The Leopard 2A7 is the most recent mobile hell-gun from the always reliably efficient German war industry. People who know this shit better than I do rank this particular piece of mobile all-purpose stopper as single-handedly the best tank in the world, thanks to its, well, everything. Its firepower, protection, and mobility are all on a level few other land attack vehicles can even dream to compete against, with the added bonus that this thing's choppy design makes it look like an end boss in a mid-1990s polygon shooter. My favorite thing about it, however, has to be that bulldozer blade attached to it, presumably to enable the Leopard to easily push through barricades and rubble in the urban environment it's specifically designed to wreak havoc in. This, complete with all of its other offensive and defensive benefits, essentially makes the Leopard 2A7 the wet dream of Captain Killdozer, one of the world's few real-life super-criminals and a Cracked alumnus (of course).
Wait, shit, doesn't that make this more of a supervillain vehicle?
The Hero We Need To Drive It:
Sorry, did I say "hero"? Did you really think this would be anything but a setup? HahahahaHAHAHA! You fool! You've walked right into my trap.
Timothy OLeary/iStock/Getty Images
Rampant mustache twirlery! Rampant, I say!
Actually, I'm kind of disappointed. You really should have seen this coming -- the whole "ah, but it was me all along" twist is a stock plot you'd think the world would have been sick of by the time M. Night Shyamalan used it in Unbreakable. Shit, I even straight-up told you my endgame was a big-ass fight in front of your home, specifically. Alas, you chose to ignore the signs, and that, friend, is how you came to stare down the barrel of a 120 mm smoothbore cannon in your puny, flying car that offers you no escape because it's still a fucking prototype with tons of kinks. Your demise is imminent. Your only, laughably tiny chance of survival is pushing the narratively convenient red button by your gearstick that will launch the self-destruct mechanism of my unbeatable war machine for some reason. Still, I've got you in my sights. You'll never make it. It's a million-to-one chance.
But it just might work.
For more from Pauli, check out 5 Ways To Abuse Your Body To Greatness (That We Tested) and 5 Pet Products For People Who Probably Shouldn't Own Pets.
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