It's called the JPX Jet Protector, and it's essentially a gun that shoots a torrent of liquid pain into your face from a much farther distance and with more accuracy than your average tear gas spray could ever hope to achieve. It also has the worst fucking marketing team in the world, considering that this quote is actually used in the promotional video:

YouTube
"Johnny Piexon's Invisible Masturbation Cape: With our products, the world is your bukkake!"

Look, I get that we live in a world where, occasionally, folks need to get maced, and other folks who don't get maced anyway. Still, I think giving authorities a weapon that can deal out Satan's money shots left and right before you can blink -- especially as a huge percentage of cops are not exactly known for the marksmanship abilities necessary for these kinds of headshots -- is pretty much just reenacting those chaotic water battles of yesteryear, only now everyone gets swollen eyes and tons of screaming opportunities.

Aaand that's why I propose we keep these things the shit off the streets, and instead buy them all and set up a reality show where a bunch of G-list celebrities water-pistol fight each other with them.

As you may have registered from the several protests in the area that have made the news recently, Turkey is in a tumultuous political state of the sort where things are less "let's sit down and discuss this" and more "let's hurl insults and rocks at each other until someone blacks out." There are protests. There are throngs. And, as is often the case wherever those things occur, there are shitloads of riot cops making sure everyone they consider too rowdy leaves with less teeth than they started the day with.

One of their most effective tools of crowd control is the TOMA crowd control vehicle, which is basically the garden hose of childhood, only Super Saiyan'd the hell up and placed atop a SWAT van. Your average TOMA can shoot plenty more than plain water, too; other available options include foam (because every protest carries the inherent potential to get fabulously down) and if they're feeling particularly dickish, dye. Because fuck you, dude, you should've thought twice before joining the Green Party. All this might make TOMAs sound like something Burgess Meredith might use against a pajama-clad Adam West, but when you see it in action, it's fucking terrifying:

via YouTube
Be glad I didn't link to the ones where they flat-out run over the protesters.

And those are just the original TOMAs, which are basically large rape vans that shoot streams of suspicious liquid at people, a mental image that will make your next viewing of the above video infinitely more interesting. There are newer, flashier versions out there too. Here, take a look at the next-gen TOMA2:

Via Wikipedia
Because they totally needed to make that thing even more intimidating.

Man, that fucker is ready to start a Water World War all by itself.

Hey, remember that stupid-ass lightning gun example that I threw out as an offhand joke in the intro? Surprise, motherfucker -- that baby was a brick joke, and this is where it lands. Also, that link is to TV Tropes -- for the love of Cthulhu, finish this column before you click it, lest you be swept away like driftwood and never be seen again.

Uh, where were we? Right, the lightning gun. It is, in fact, a lightning shotgun, made by none other than the good people behind the totally-not-lethal-except-when-it-is weapon we know as the Taser. Also, apart from the platypus, it's the stupidest-looking thing in existence that can kill you:

Taser International
You know, aside from any laugh-related heart attack.

That, friends, is the world's angriest chubby policeman inexplicably threatening you with what appears to be a large, goofy toy gun. I wouldn't be half surprised to see a Hello Kitty face on its side. Alas, like I said, it can kill you. Even the manufacturers of that particular version don't bother hiding it:

Taser International
"Less-lethal" is to "safe" what "Adam Sandler" is to "funny."

Still, it's a shotgun that fires rounds that electrocute you, which should be more than enough to make the boners of our notoriously toys 'n' testosterone-happy police shoot right off the Brinell scale. How come every officer isn't carrying one of these lightning boomsticks, drunkenly firing voltage at passersby while screaming "BOW TO THE ODINSON, MORTALS"?

It's because shotgun-tasing people is bullshit in more than one way: Not only can it randomly kill people, it can also completely fail to have any effect on them at all during situations when it really, really needs to. Britain learned this the hard way when testing out Taser's XREP shotgun rounds. In 2010, a massive police manhunt for dangerous murderer Raoul Moat ended up taking on more sitcom-ish elements than such situations arguably should, when a final standoff between the police and Moat saw the cops fire two XREPs at the killer, connecting with one, that had literally zero effect. Three years later, when another round of testing resulted in the death of a 23-year-old kid due to a "medical episode," they realized the weapon was clearly part of some cruel cosmic joke and quietly returned it back to ACME. Sorry, I mean Taser International.

"Wait, what?" you say. "Pens are no toys, unless you misspell them in a hilarious way, and even then, holy shit that's inappropriate when you're talking about kids." While that is true, narratively convenient strawman reader I just made up, I'd like to point out that if you think kids aren't playing with pens, you've clearly never been in a math class full of 11-year-olds on a particularly sunny Thursday afternoon. I once ended up with a half-sleeve pen tattoo of Tic-Tac-Toe before the teacher noticed.

Remember that one kid in class who always kept poking people with his pen (yes, I'm talking about the actual writing tool, you creep) and/or attempted to draw some bullshit on their skin with it? Remember that one time he got reprimanded by the teacher for etching swastikas on Timmy's forehead again and got into such trouble that he begrudgingly abandoned his pen fixation and moved to other flavors of ADD?

Because that kid is all grown up now, and he sure as shit remembers.

At least, that's the only way I can explain the existence of the humble tactical pen, the only weapon in the world literally capable of both kicking ass and taking names. It's not just some random spy-pen-gun, either -- it's a fully functional pen that just happens to be constructed in a way that can kick your face from here to next Wednesday. Boasting features such as DNA catchers and glassbreaker tips, these stabby, airplane-quality-aluminum things are apparently a pretty huge industry. Gun manufacturers including Smith & Wesson and Colt all have a tactical pen or 16 in their product catalog. Here's a guy from UZI (yep, that UZI) demonstrating how to thoroughly wreck an armed and armored person with one:

KnifeHQ
"The guy was demonstration. The pane of glass was personal ... it fucked my wife."

That leaves just one question: Why the hell does this product exist? I understand those sturdy flashlights that you can use to club an enemy, but I can think of only two scenarios where you would both be the kind of person who owns a fucking tactical pen and have absolutely no other weaponry on your person when push comes to shove; either you're a Navy SEAL who's six weeks into his mission and literally all of his other equipment (including at least two pairs of rolled-up underwear) is already stuck in the ribcage of some enemy or another ... or you're that fucking pen-happy kid as an adult, putting finishing touches on your time machine in order to deliver a box of these fucking things to your 10-year-old self. Let's see them take your pen away from you this time.