"Wait, what?" you say. "Pens are no toys, unless you misspell them in a hilarious way, and even then, holy shit that's inappropriate when you're talking about kids." While that is true, narratively convenient strawman reader I just made up, I'd like to point out that if you think kids aren't playing with pens, you've clearly never been in a math class full of 11-year-olds on a particularly sunny Thursday afternoon. I once ended up with a half-sleeve pen tattoo of Tic-Tac-Toe before the teacher noticed.
Remember that one kid in class who always kept poking people with his pen (yes, I'm talking about the actual writing tool, you creep) and/or attempted to draw some bullshit on their skin with it? Remember that one time he got reprimanded by the teacher for etching swastikas on Timmy's forehead again and got into such trouble that he begrudgingly abandoned his pen fixation and moved to other flavors of ADD?
Because that kid is all grown up now, and he sure as shit remembers.
At least, that's the only way I can explain the existence of the humble tactical pen, the only weapon in the world literally capable of both kicking ass and taking names. It's not just some random spy-pen-gun, either -- it's a fully functional pen that just happens to be constructed in a way that can kick your face from here to next Wednesday. Boasting features such as DNA catchers and glassbreaker tips, these stabby, airplane-quality-aluminum things are apparently a pretty huge industry. Gun manufacturers including Smith & Wesson and Colt all have a tactical pen or 16 in their product catalog. Here's a guy from UZI (yep, that UZI) demonstrating how to thoroughly wreck an armed and armored person with one:
"The guy was demonstration. The pane of glass was personal ... it fucked my wife."
That leaves just one question: Why the hell does this product exist? I understand those sturdy flashlights that you can use to club an enemy, but I can think of only two scenarios where you would both be the kind of person who owns a fucking tactical pen and have absolutely no other weaponry on your person when push comes to shove; either you're a Navy SEAL who's six weeks into his mission and literally all of his other equipment (including at least two pairs of rolled-up underwear) is already stuck in the ribcage of some enemy or another ... or you're that fucking pen-happy kid as an adult, putting finishing touches on your time machine in order to deliver a box of these fucking things to your 10-year-old self. Let's see them take your pen away from you this time.
RC Vehicles With Weapons
Ah, radio-controlled toys! A decent-sized RC car was the coolest present a kid growing up in the archaic pre-widespread Internet days of the 1980s or 1990s could imagine, at least for the 15 minutes or so that it could provide entertainment.
See, that's the thing: A thing that just moves around isn't going to be any fun for your average kid unless it actually does something. That something being "attack something else." As such, ride-pimping was aplenty: While some kids were satisfied just bumping their RC cars on peoples' ankles, others started customizing theirs in a way that would in later life earn them a stint on Robot Wars or, alternately, in prison. Thanks to an ill-advised kamikaze attempt aimed at a nearby rose bush, I blew up one car with fireworks after a couple of weeks, then pretended it got lost because I was kind of a shitty kid that way.
And now that the kids from those RC warrin' decades are adults with actual budgets and shit, is it really any surprise that some of them are building on that thought?
It's not. So here's a video of a radio-controlled drone tasing a man.
Twelve-year-old me just punched the sky.
Just nonchalantly flying in, all radio-controlled-helicopter and shit, and straight-up electrocuting an intern. Let's watch that again:
I just ordered 1,000 of these for the Cracked offices, and I don't even physically work there.
Why did they do this, you ask? Why, because they'd seen these things in sci-fi movies and video games and wanted to show they were possible. That's right: People are now building remote-controlled childhood-dream-toy murderbots, just because they fucking can. Tell me we're not living in a beautiful world.
For more from Pauli, check out 5 Famous Cities That Hide Movie-Worthy Secrets and 5 Crazy (But Intriguing) Celebrity Conspiracy Theories.
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