And if you think what I've told you so far is the weird part, you sorely underestimate the Internet's potential for batshit. He sees encoded messages in TV commercials, such as Obama's assassination in wristwatch ads. Or my personal favorite: a "very obvious" secret message from The Devil himself, embedded in a Miracle Whip commercial. Behold ... Stacy's Deviled Eggs!

Sincere or Satire?

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I'm going to transcribe a section of the above video and not add a single joke to it, because that would be like drawing a dick on Mona Lisa's forehead:

Did you happen to count the number of deviled eggs? Well, there are 16 of them. And 16 is not really an end-times number. I mean, you could add 6 plus 1, which gives you 7 -- that's not really Satanic. 16 deviled eggs are made from 8 whole eggs ... but 8 is not really a number associated with evil. But if you understand that you count eggs by the dozen -- that is by the number 12 -- then you realize that eight-twelfths of a dozen is two-thirds of a dozen ... then we indeed do have a number for the Antichrist. Because two-thirds represents "man over God." And yields the decimal .666.

We could simply say the poor guy has some obsession and schizophrenia issues and feel sorry for him, but what if he's pranking us all? He plainly knows how to build an audience.

thirdeaglebooks via YouTube
The case can be made.

Shoot, he even looks exactly like Norman McCay, the prophet of Armageddon nobody believed in DC Comics' Kingdom Come. Is Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice running the longest viral marketing scheme ever conceived?

DC Comics
Well played, DC.

Even other, impossibly more austere Christians have marked him a fraud.

But in an interview with a skeptic blog, Tapley asserts he is not a spoof, so he's really gambling it all on refereeing this game of revelation. However, as proof that not even false prophets are all bad, he is ardently anti-hippie.

thirdeaglebooks via YouTube
If anything unites all faiths, it will be our hatred of hippies.

The thing I really like about this video is how succinctly it adopts Jesus' message that you should throw stones at strangers.

Listen, I get it. I went to Catholic school. I'm used to religions teaching that homosexuality is wrong while hiring the loveliest gay people you'll ever meet to teach it. But this video is aimed at gay people's friends and families to say, "Don't love your neighbor so much." They've mistaken the meaning of Christianity so badly their next project is a time machine to save Jesus from the cross.

And I don't care what your politics are: left, right, Whig, Federalist, Loyalist, Know-Nothing ... don't drag your kids into your political sniping (and they totally do -- in the above video, they hand their 8ish-year-old son a sign that says "KIDS 4 ADULTERY -- WAY 2 GO, DAD"). It's only going to be embarrassing for everyone when they grow up to be whatever's the opposite of your beliefs: gay hitmen, Anarcho-Collectivist rodeo clowns, clan chieftain of the Berserker Horde, whatever.

Sincere or Satire?

Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images & mysondanube/iStock/Getty Images

It's obviously sincere, but the video thinks it's satire. The Poemeter was never meant to measure this level of inverse pressure, and as you can see above, the inherent vacuum cracked its lens.

If I were teaching a class on satire at the University of Don't Be a Dick, I'd fail this project for its heavy equivocating, with additional points deducted because it's so boring. It's scared of behavior so commonplace it might as well faint at the notion of women's exposed shoulders.

FV Max via YouTube
Which are way more offensive in this case.

But later that night, that failing grade would haunt me into insomnia, because this could seriously be the most brilliant satire ever made. It convinced a place as foul as the YouTube comments section to stop using and misspelling homophobic slurs. These might be the most clever gay rights activists on the planet, and I failed them. I failed them because they were light years beyond my own teachings.

FV Max via YouTube
Stare into the unwelcoming eyes of genius.

There's another reason why they might have made this video. I shouldn't say that the male lead is in the closet, but I'd wager a 10-spot that his breath smells like mothballs and strawberry lube. If you drew a radian two counties from his house, you'd have a map of all the motel mattresses that are stained with shame-sweat angels.

Mind you, while not all extremism is so hateful, it sure is patronizing ...

His knowledge of impish habits is bottomless. Do leprechauns like mushrooms? You'd better believe those leprechauns want to go dutch on some mushrooms. Can you attract leprechauns with green and white lights? Only if they twinkle, you gnome-luring bastard. Do leprechauns really wear belt-buckled hats and dandy vestments? One million party supply stores can't be wrong!

Let me ask Valentine a question, if he's so smart: If leprechauns and evolution are real, how come there are no monkey leprechauns? Science may never know the answer, but that doesn't stop this tow-headed spiritual remora from characterizing the Fine Folk as the fifth dimension's most laughable residents.

Valentine has written many books, all of which feature the same adorable child and terrible graphic design.

Myst of Oracle
That kid, though, he seems like an all right kid.

Valentine's frequent collaborator is "Doctor" Christian von Lahr, who has a "Doctorate of Metaphysical Sciences." That's like being pope of the Burning Ice Kingdom, in that even if such a thing existed it would be made of two mutually exclusive concepts and still make you the ruler of make-believe.

Von Lahr is best known for pretending to interview Michael Jackson 48 hours after the King of Pop's death. That is an impressive achievement in the race to exploit a man's untimely demise.

mystoftheoracle.com
Especially from a guy who looks like he'd get winded by moving the Ouija glass.

If you have a wish, these hucksters want you to know leprechauns will grant it. Want a "shiny, grand new car"? Leprechauns will be happy to give you one in exchange for booze and mushrooms. Fiscal policy like this is exactly why the Fairy Kingdom got eaten alive in the free-trade market.

Sincere or Satire?

Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images

A mix. I'm thinking Valentine might actually believe this claptrap, but von Lahr went out and bought a McDegree from a diploma mill called the University of Metaphysics. When you tout faux legitimacy, you're admitting your racket is suspicious. But if you want to spend $350 for a one-hour reading with him, go ahead.

It's hard to critique bullshit of this magnitude, because it takes place entirely inside von Lahr's giant, rectangular skull ... and that's what he's counting on. I once had a street psychic ask me if I wanted a reading. When I politely declined, she asked why, and I said I didn't believe in that stuff. "That's OK," she chirped, "It's just for fun."

That's the level of critique psychics are used to: She openly admitted to making shit up and asked me to give her $20 for it. But for that same $20 I could go see Age of Ultron in IMAX, which is no less real, lasts nine times longer, and doesn't need a liar to describe it to me secondhand.

Marvel
Joss Whedon: You're the only one who can read my mind.

With that in mind, let's look at action devoid of statement and see if it's still a Poe candidate. YouTube user Gorilla199 was having some problems, so he prayed on them, like you do. While he was praying he saw a bush that resembled a face.

Gorilla199 via YouTube
Though not Bush's face, since he's never expressed regret in his life.

What happened next was an avoidable tragedy, but a clear-cut case of spiritual self-defense. Shirtless, he bravely strode up to the clearly evil bush and beat the living shit out of it with a broom.

Stand your ground even when it's against the ground.

Once he had slaughtered Swamp Thing, Gorilla199's problems stopped. PROOF OF CONCEPT!

My first question is why was he praying shirtless with a broom and a video camera? Those are conditions for filming a highly specialized category of pornography, not touching the mind of God.

My second question is how long in the growth of the tree was Satan plotting to show a guy a mournful expression? It seems like an inordinate amount of foresight and power to get hit by a garden tool that could only repel an attacker in a slapstick comedy.

Sincere or Satire?

Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images

Despite his goofy actions here, Gorilla199 has a lengthy and totally sincere filmography identifying followers of the Beast (medical doctors, if you were wondering) and harassing other conspiracy theorists -- such as when his repeated efforts to debate David "All Politicians Are Secretly Lizard People" Icke bore fruit:

This is the weirdest season of The Only Way Is Essex ever.

Think how big a crank you have to be to argue with David Icke in public and he still looks like the reasonable one. These are two grown men who believe they're surrounded by soulless Archons of the Apocalypse, and they hate each other's guts because they can't agree which kind of immortal reptilian humanoids are out to get them.