Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook
New York just legalized gay marriage in time for Pride Week, a cruelly timed challenge to monogamy for all the naked float dancers expecting a very different kind of happy ending. Civil rights and referendums go together like peanut butter and K-Y Jelly, and most politicans have the moral courage of a starving cockroach, but in a double rainbow miracle, they noticed a majority of New Yorkers think two loving adults should share a life together, unless they are the stars of The Bachelor, in which case, they are force-fed spiders.

Us Weekly. More you than me, to be honest.
Happiness is not recognizing anyone on the magazine covers

Some ask, "Why is gay marriage such an important issue right now?" The answer is, "So you don't notice the banks stealing your tax dollars." And it's true that most Americans have nothing against gay men* even if they don't want their daughter marrying one.

*Except that they lack breasts, which is a character flaw.

None of that matters, though, because it can't answer opponents' ironclad premise that homosexuals are fags. Why extend rights to someone who's not technically human, like zombies or people with diabetes? That's the core of opposing arguments, which do for reasoned debate what MC Escher did for staircases. Even though our most pornographic science proves no sane person objects to lesbians, Logic does not shine her symmetrical good looks on people obsessed with strangers' genitals. If it did, we wouldn't have toxic notions like female circumcision, celebrity fleshlights, and vajazzling.

You can't copyright a retrovirus
That same myopia afflicted us with Color Me Badd

If someone's not going to argue logically, you won't sway them logically. Your response will have to be even crazier. That's why I present you with maniacal rebuttals to the five most common arguments against gay marriage, plus one solid one for after you break their minds.

Warner Bros. They own everything. Even YOU!
1, 2, 3, 4...5! It's like that plus Martian Manhunter

The case against gay marriage is laid out courtesy of writer Seth Forman and the obstetrician who dropped him. My replies are courtesy of not being an overpanicked schmuck. Try them out on Great-Aunt Prejudice, or the anti-gay senator fellating you in an airport bathroom.

Marvel wants you to know it doesn't discriminate.

Translated into sanity:"The unpopularity of my beliefs shakes my faith, therefore I am oppressed. Soon I will be forced to perform marriages against my will."

Look, there's no debating that the holy book of the majority should dictate all the secular laws for everyone else. That's just common sense until your side isn't winning. The Bible states in Genesis that marriage is between a man and his mutated rib, which is as painful as it sounds, but at least the Constitution allows it.

In time, God expands this beautiful concept into a union between a man, his swinging wife, and her abused servant. Under His divine plan, marriage blossoms into a sacred contract between a rich rapist and his victim, a king and 700 fine, foxy ladies, a man and his brother's widow, and occasionally a man and his own daughters when the wine is alright. Somewhere in there, you are also allowed to marry a pie if the pie is willing to convert.

Hendrik Goltzius, you philistine
There's a Lot wrong with this picture

Those of us raised Catholic were even taught the perfect marriage is a man, a woman he never has sex with, and God sneaking in after the engagement to cuckold him, because honey, a good man will forgive you, but a powerful dude is a fleeting opportunity. It's a lot like my ex-girlfriend, now that I think about it. Women: am I right, fellas? Can't live with 'em , can't marry a man in 90% of the country.

Anyway, the point of the Bible is that even though God wants gay people to know what a mistake He made in them, Jesus just as explicitly wipes out the old laws. After the New Testament, Christians are free -- nay, obligated to dip shrimp in tartar sauce, leave witches unstoned, and wear mixed fabrics (even though the Gay Bible still forbids that last part).

I don't want to come off as anti-God, because it's hard to argue with anyone talented enough to invent Lynda Carter; I'm just saying even the Bible doesn't agree with the Bible's definition of marriage, so why let any one faith dictate the argument? That's when most opponents fall back to natural law...

Marvel wants you to know it doesn't discriminate.

Translated into sanity:"Homosexuality only leads to pregnancy in ancient creation myths and certain species of hellbound lizard. If a couple isn't ready for children, they must do like the animals and wait till the time is right. Then, like lions, they should copulate 70 times a day in ten second stints. Two males may also stalk a female and pen her into a rapefest, just like nature's perfect cheetahs. And who are we, in our hubris, to challenge the natural order of black swan threesomes?"

It's true that Mother Nature created woman, like the queen ant, to store sperm in her abdomen for six months, churn out ghastly quantities of eggs and then clone herself parthenogenically. But it's also true you don't have to count any further than five plain ol' everyday ducks to see nature is totally gay for gays. If there's anything funnier than a duck with a lisp I'd like to see it.

Warner Bros. be for hose
The Jones-Blanc Index proved that was the height of comedy

Even though nature made Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve, the two things I've learned from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" debate are that gays are limp-wristed silly-billies who think rifles are for planting daisies, and that gays are unstoppable rape-machines with indefatigable erections who will trench a fellow soldier's colon to use as a foxhole. So all we have to do is find those two kinds of gay and make them marry each other. Voila! Balance restored. Thanks, nature!

So while you're in your air-conditioned apartment carefully stranding E-Z-Cheez on your lover's body so as not to smear any on the rayon sheets, won't you please spare a teardrop for the natural order?

Marvel wants you to know it doesn't discriminate.

Translated into sanity:"Better to have no parents at all than loving parents that make strangers uncomfortable. Rather than teach children and social workers kindness and respect, society should cast orphans into the dark, loveless solitude that foreshadows their inevitable early grave."

I don't want to call Forman homophobic, but he's the only dad in the state whose children aren't allowed to look directly at rainbows. The apples in his crisper could only touch oranges, if he weren't too afraid to buy fruit. He wears three layers of lady's silk gloves to masturbate, but can't finish unless he pictures a skinhead kicking the city of San Francisco to death.

Woah! Maybe not that far. That was a dark place we just went.

Rather than admit they're quivering fearballs, authoritarians love to fob their issues off on kids. The advantage is not needing any data to back up your claims. All the other guy can do is come out Pro-Thing That Might Maybe Hurt Children Because We Said.

It's got to stop. I don't know if you've looked around lately, but this country is lousy with orphans, orphans, ORPHANS! I'm partially to blame, because of my murder sprees, but I make up for my orphan-footprint by shoveling the urchins into the furnace of my antique steam-train as I ride around the country, teaching lucky non-orphans about science. Let us shake society's apron free of these human breadcrumbs! Let us plant them on the presumably non-erect laps of childless gay couples.

Columbia Pictures
What? MORE! Never before has a boy wanted more porridge or parents!

Most adoption agents don't frame their interviews with, "As one of The Gay, how many times a week do you plan to molest this child?" and the ones who do are fired before learning the answer: six, but the molestation takes the form of making them listen to Broadway. That's a stereotype I'm comfortable with after a gay roommate inflicted the Jekyll & Hyde soundtrack on me for 9 weeks straight (or rather, 9 weeks gay). But you know what he didn't do? Harm any children. What's worse for a kid -- two successful moms or one that's adopting because her cats died?

Marvel wants you to know it doesn't discriminate.

Translated into sanity:"Marriage only exists for women to trap men, who would stick it in a blender if the setting was low. We're just a few gay marriages away from marrying rocks."

Good! It's the 21st century! I want to see some weird stuff that's not on YouTube. Bring on the mutants and sentient holograms and the Chihuahuas possessed by an angel who love them both too much to choose. We live in a world full of Japanese dream machines and cyborg cells with nano-armor, but you think gay marriage is going to irrevocably alter humanity? Dude, people in the future are going to do high-speed leukemia as a party drug.

Who owns this? Eminem? Columbia? WARNER BROTHERS? (dun dunn DUNNNN...)
The future should be exciting.

Look, we all struggle with our personal kinks. A woman's dazzling mysteries aren't enough for me anymore - I need to marry a roller coaster. But just because I project personality onto an inanimate object, society calls me a freak.

All that will change for me once gays have their marriage rite. Then it's me on the beach with a priestess named Ursula Moonbeam sealing my fate to the Cyclone's. No one can tell me no! Not the government, not God, not even my ex-wife the dog (but that's also because it's still a long road to equal rights for transsexual dogs).

I say, if we're going to ruin traditional marriage, let's ruin it BIG. Let's explode marriage so hard that signing the certificate gives Michael Bay an orgasm. Let's genetically engineer a man to sweat lava and to fall in love with a woman made of ice. Let's impregnate the planet Venus with Mars's baby, only to have trans-celestial Pluto claim paternity. Let's assassinate Death so that all marital partings are bitter ones. Let's distract ourselves from the real issues that leave people impoverished, maimed and dead in this country!

Marvel wants you to know it doesn't discriminate.

Translated into sanity:"*gasp!* How dare the school teach children about the world and then ask them to form their own opinions?"

Seth Forman wrote an entire book, so I know he understands words mean things, even if 88% of them are alarmed ways of noticing gay people exist. He wonders where the sympathy is for bigots who get called bigots, he thinks a wife will drop her husband like a stripper's dress the second she gets the lesbian green light, and that government employees are too beholden to the Constitution. Every one of this chicken's complaints is that we won't be quite as openly allowed to mistreat gays.

Seth, it's not the school's job to teach kids how to feel about issues. It's the school's job to sour kids on learning. Also to give them the whole story so they can learn to capably navigate the world -- yes, even a world where gay people don't spontaneously combust. You can infect your kids with your prejudices the other 17 hours of the day.

Look, there are a lot of things I want for America: ray guns, the criminalization of stupidity, and a law that says Jennifer Love Hewitt has to buy me a drink every time I make her laugh. But only the ray guns are in keeping with the principles of this country. The other two try to legislate bad choices. If you never make a bad choice, you're not learning and growing. You're just Formaning your way through life, which I don't need to tell you, involves a whole lot of short, quick steps with one's buttocks firmly clenched.

Marvel wants you to know it doesn't discriminate.

Translated into sanity:"We must never permit authority to tell us what family is when we know in our hearts what is right. Now listen carefully as I explain the strict limitations of our hearts."

Gay marriage upsets all the right people, like Archbishop Timothy Dolan, who leads 2.6 million Catholics (presumably over a cliff). He says kids deserve better than the love of their gay parents, which is a classy thing to tell a baby. He also double-reverse batarangs the Chinese government's child-killing policy into the future of gay marriage with the internal consistency of Schrodinger's box, but not one sweet lick of shame.

The people who create this non-debate don't really care about morality or kids. They care about order and control. They care about rousing the rabble just enough to keep them scared, angry, and obedient. These are the people who would rather win than succeed. The best thing you can do is laugh in their apoplectic faces.

Every time you do, you take away a little of their power. Even though both of us are writing hateful screeds on the internet and neither of us is having sex, the bishop gets respect for spreading misery, but I get ignored by Jennifer Love Hewitt, a woman so lovely she could turn a duck straight.

Luke Ford
Hewitt? Love to, but I haven't theduthed it yet, thport.

But if you refuse to take them seriously and go on living life? They can't stand it. They can scream at strangers with a straight (maybe too straight) face that loving families destroy love and family, but they can't laugh at themselves. They'd rather bend Sweet Lady Logic like a Czech gymnast than admit they're being horrible to their fellow human beings.

Public domain! Wheeeee!
LEFT: Dignity and grace
RIGHT: Living, frothing hate-napalm

But family's not just your gene packet, it's the people who put your well-being ahead of theirs because you'd do the same for them. It's the people you don't worry about getting mad at because no matter how much you scream and swear you know you love each other. It's your clan, and you don't ask each other to be someone else or accept less in life. Instead you work yourself to the bone for them, because when bastards single you out, they're the ones who stand by you, even when fear-mongers tell them they'll go to Hell for it.

And if that's who's in Hell, I'd rather go there than Heaven.

Brendan McGinley doesn't know Love, so hate for hate will have to do.
To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments