On the off chance that someone reading this is still on the queasy side, I won't go into details re: precisely how the victims were killed. I'm specifically avoiding phrases like "drugging and brutal abduction," "up to five weeks of torture," and "death by massive butt trauma." That last one is not meant in a "Sir Mix-a-Lot finally found his match" way, incidentally. Someone stuffed large blunt instruments up the victims until they died of blood loss. That's, like, the fifth-least-dignified non-Nickelback-related death in existence, and it wasn't a one-off, either; this was the actual method these people used to kill.
Feel free to cringe. I know I did.
It's estimated that the "Family" behind the murders was/is about a dozen-strong clique of influential area men, and the killings were just one small part of their operations: They're suspected of having kidnapped, mauled, and abused young men on a regular basis throughout the 1970s and well into the 1980s.
Well, that's what they say, anyway. Despite a $5 million reward, all the authorities have managed to get so far is a whole bunch of hunches and a local creep called Bevan Spencer von Einem (which, strangely, would make an excellent rap name), who was nabbed for the 1983 murder of the son of a local news anchor but couldn't be conclusively connected to the several other nearly identical butticides.
In other words, today's Adelaide may very well have a whole bunch of elderly horror movie monsters running around, presumably busying themselves by training a new generation of ass murderers to protect their place in Australia's very competitive terror pantheon.
And upgrading their weapons.
Pauli's Favorite Theory:
This is where I'd normally weave some grand, jokey theory about this whole thing being a front for the Illuminati or lizard people or some shit, but you know what? I really, really want this all to be the work of one guy, and I want that guy to be the one they already caught.
Let's talk about Bevan Spencer von Einem. There's very little doubt that he drugged and at least played a large part in killing the news anchor's son, likely dumping the body as well. However, that's just one little hillock in the eternal horrorscape that is this guy's mind. Von Einem has been linked to several other brutal murders, including a few non-Family ones. Oh, and he was also a prime suspect in yet another of Australia's most famous unsolved crimes: the abduction of the three Beaumont children, who disappeared in Adelaide in 1966 and were never found. There are theories that link von Einem and his skills of sedating victims to the case, and a witness has allegedly stated that he admitted abducting the kids in order to perform experiments on them. Not the kind of "experiments" you assume, either -- he supposedly performed surgery on them to "join them up."
Let's ... let's just reuse that kitten picture at this point, shall we?
Just fucking let that sink in for a moment, will you? What we have here is a notorious and pretty unrepentant sexual sadist who may or may not have pulled a real-life Human Centipede on a bunch of kids. Here are our options: Either he was a one-of-a-kind case, safely tucked away -- or there are a dozen more of these fuckers still running free. Which one would you prefer?
(And no, Tom Six, your opinion does not fucking count.)
Pauli forgot to mail you the complimentary brain bleach, so this would probably be a good time to watch a cat video or something. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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