5 Real Life Soldiers Who Make Rambo Look Like a Pussy
We all understand that action movies are cheesy escapism. After all, could one commando really take out a whole compound full of bad guys?
Actually, yes. It turns out the history books are full of stories of soldiers doing things so badass they'd hesitate to put them into a film for fear of killing the realism. Like these five, for example.
#5.
Simo Hayha
Who Was He?
Simo Hayha had a fairly boring life in Finland. He served his one mandatory year in the military, and then became a farmer. But when the Soviet Union invaded his homeland in 1939, he decided he wanted to help his country.
Since the majority of fighting took place in the forest, he figured the best way to stop the invasion was to grab his trusty rifle, a couple of cans of food and hide in a tree all day shooting Russians. In six feet of snow. And 20-40 degrees below zero.
Can you spot Hayha? Neither could the Russians.
Of course when the Russians heard that dozens of their men were going down and that it was all one dude with a rifle, they got fucking scared. He became known as "The White Death" because of his white camouflage outfit, and they actually mounted whole missions just to kill that one guy.
They started by sending out a task force to find Hayha and take him out. He killed them all.
Then they tried getting together a team of counter-snipers (which are basically snipers that kill snipers) and sent them in to eliminate Hayha. He killed all of them, too.
Over the course of 100 days, Hayha killed 542 people with his rifle. He took out another 150 or so with his SMG, sending his credited kill-count up to 705.
Since everyone they had was either too dead or too scared to go anywhere near him, the Russians just carpet-bombed everywhere they thought he might be. Supposedly, they had the location right, and he actually got hit by a cloud of shrapnel that tore his coat up, but didn't actually hurt him, because he's the fucking White Death, damn it.
Finally on March 6th, 1940, some lucky bastard shot Hayha in the head with an exploding bullet. When some other soldiers found him and brought him back to base, he "had half his head missing." The White Death had finally been stopped...
...for about a week. In spite of having come down with a nasty case of shot-in-the-face syndrome, he was still very much alive, and regained consciousness on March 13, the very day the war ended.
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Wahlberg) from Shooter:
In Shooter, Mark Wahlberg plays a reclusive, worn-out ex-sniper trying to escape the ghosts of his past. Bob Lee is called in by the FBI who want to know if he (hypothetically) wanted to murder, let's say, the president, how would he (hypothetically) do it? They claim that he's "the best there is" because after years of training with long-distance shooting, he successfully killed 70 men in the desert with one of these:
Why it doesn't Compare:
Aside from the obvious fact that Hayha killed over 10 times as many men after only the most basic military training, he did it in 40-below weather, in the middle of the forest. And he did it all with one of these:
#4.
Yogendra Singh Yadav
Who Was He?
Yogendra Singh Yadav was a member of an Indian grenadier battalion during a conflict with Pakistan in 1999. Their mission was to climb "Tiger Hill" (actually a big-ass mountain), and neutralize the three enemy bunkers at the top. Unfortunately, this meant climbing up a sheer hundred-foot cliff-face of solid ice. Since they didn't want to all climb up one at a time with ice-axes, they decided they'd send one guy up, and he'd fasten the ropes to the cliff as he went, so everyone else could climb up the sissy way. Yadav, being awesome, volunteered.
Half way up the icy cliff-o'-doom, enemies stationed on an adjacent mountain opened fire, shooting them with an RPG, then spraying assault-rifle fire all over the cliff. Half his squad was killed, including the commander, and the rest were scattered and disorganized. Yadav, in spite of being shot three times, kept climbing.
When he reached the top, one of the target bunkers opened fire on him with machine guns. Yadav ran toward the hail of bullets, pitched a grenade in the window and killed everyone inside. By this point the second bunker had a clear shot and opened fire, so he ran at them, taking bullets while he did, and killed the four heavily-armed men inside with his bare hands.
Meanwhile, the remainder of his squad was standing at the top of the cliff staring at him saying, "dude, holy shit!" They then all went and took the third bunker with little trouble.
For his gallantry and sheer ballsiness, he was awarded the Param Vir Chakra, India's highest military award. Unlike the Medal of Honor, the Param Vir Chakra is only given for "rarest of the rare gallantry which is beyond the call of duty and which in normal life is considered impossible to do." That's right, you actually have to break the laws of reality just to be eligible.
And we imagine the medal looks like two, brass testicles.
It has only been awarded 21 times, and two thirds of the people who earned it died in the process. It was initially reported that Yadav had as well, but it turns out that they just mistook him for someone less badass. Or they just figured no real human being could survive a broken leg, shattered arm and 10-15 fresh bullet holes in one sitting.
The best Hollywood could come up with:
John McClane (Bruce Wilis) from Die Hard:
Why it Doesn't Compare:
McClane has a fairly impressive resume of badassery, climbing through elevator shafts and killing terrorists with his bare hands, much like Yadav, except Yadav took more bullets in 10 minutes than McClane did in the entire series without even slowing down. Plus, he was fucking 19-years-old! Try to imagine a high school Bruce Willis screaming, "yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!"
Exactly.
#3.
Jack Churchill
Who Was He?
An allied commander in WWII, and an avid fan of surfing, Captain Jack Malcolm Thorpe Fleming Churchill aka "Fighting Jack Churchill" aka "Mad Jack" was basically the craziest motherfucker in the whole damn war.
He volunteered for commando duty, not actually knowing what it entailed, but knowing that it sounded dangerous, and therefore fun. He is best known for saying that "any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed" and, in following with this, for carrying a sword into battle. In WWII. And not one of those sissy ceremonial things the Marines have. No, Jack carried a fucking claymore. And he used it, too. He is credited with capturing a total of 42 Germans and a mortar squad in the middle of the night, using only his sword.
Churchill and his team were tasked with capturing a German fortification creatively called "Point 622." Churchill took the lead, charging ahead of the group into the dark through the barbed wire and mines, pitching grenades as he went. Although his unit did their best to catch up, all but six of them were lost to silly things like death. Of those six, half were wounded and all any of them had left were pistols. Then a mortar shell swung in and killed/mortally wounded everyone who wasn't Jack Churchill.
When the Germans found him, he was playing "Will Ye No Come Back Again?" on his bagpipes. Oh, we didn't mention that? He carried them right next to his big fucking sword.
After being sent to a concentration camp, he got bored and left. Just walked out. They caught him again, and sent him to a new camp. So he left again. After walking 150 miles with only a rusty can of onions for food, he was picked up by the Americans and sent back to Britain, where he demanded to be sent back into the field, only to find out (with great disappointment) the war had ended while he was on his way there. As he later said to his friends, "If it wasn't for those damn Yanks, we could have kept the war going another 10 years!"
The Best Hollywood Could Come Up With:
Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert DuVall) from Apocalypse Now, of "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" fame.
Why It Doesn't Compare:
Well, truth be told, they're pretty much the same person. They're both at home on the battlefield, they have the same philosophies of war and both of them seem to be immune to mortar fire and bullets. Churchill's basically a crazier, Scottish version of Kilgore. With a big fucking broadsword. Like if Kilgore was played by William Wallace from Braveheart on crystal meth.
Can someone tell me why Roy Benavidez was left out of the list? The man fought with his guts hanging out and saved his fellow soldiers.
ReplyBecause it was written 3 years ago
I really, deeply think that Simo Hayha should be 1#. What, just because he's not american he doesn't deserve praise? He killed 700 people in freezing temperatures, put snow in his mouth so his breath didn't give him away, removed his scope so enemy snipers didn't see the shine of the scope lenses, so he had to snipe with the iron sights. He also received an explosive bullet to the face, survived russian bombings and artillery strikes and also got to live 96 years. I don't think you could get any more badass and awesome than that. I don't think it's possible.
ReplyWhether he's American or not has nothing to do with anything. They usually put one of the best ones first so that you'll read the entire article. Being listed first is usually even better than being #1. Besides, the guy who actually got #1 is basically Captain America but kicks the same amount of ass without that sissy super serum and unbreakable shield stuff.
For these guys, badass is a HUGE understatement.
ReplyI know you don't want to include Germans, but some of their stories are insane. Take Erich Hartmann, pilot, flew 1400 missions, shot down 350 Soviets and crash landed his plane 14 times. Ridiculous.
Replygod nr1 is insane... in a good way.. asked hollywood to remove parts that would be too unbelieveable...?? oh god i couldnt hol it back anymore that was just crazy.
ReplySergeant York (film) 1941 staring Gary cooper.
ReplyOne of the only true stories Hollywood did not screw up
read the wikipedia page, the bullet only hit simo hayha in the jaw
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesLol wikipedia
Go get yourself shot in the jaw and tell me how it feels after, ok?
It said head. Jaw's on the head.
Right. ONLY in the jaw.
Just watched Sergeant York in my film history class, I remembered this article right away!
ReplyDefinitely a badass
Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb!
ReplyHow come you don't have Gary Cooper playing Sgt. York for Sgt. York instead of Rambo?
ReplyIf you ever make a revised list, i have a name that definitely should be on a most BadAss list. Lauri Törni, or as Americans know him as Larry Thorne. That dude was BadAss!
ReplyKapteeni Törni/Hauptsturmführer Törni/Captain (Post Mortem Major-) Thorne was indeed badass, between the bounty the Soviets placed on his head during WWII, training US. military in winter warfare, completing missions that numerous others had attempted and receiving his commission in US. Army as a frickin' Green Beret he deserves a place in AT LEAST one article in Cracked. Three different countries promoted him to the rank equal to army captain, and the last one made him a Post Mortem Major, he was also awarded the Finnish equivalent of the Medal of Honor, in comparison, first three were awarded to generals while the fourth was awarded to a Private named Vilho Rättö for destroying four Soviet tanks with an AT-gun he had never seen nor used before, apparently the gun in question had no sights as they had been destroyed by either bullets or shrapnel, the gun was known in the Red army as "Proshait Rodina", meaning "Goodbye Motherland" due to the tendency of the Soviet AT -crews operating one dying soon after revealing their positions after using it (yes, the gun in question was of Soviet origin and Private Rättö had just captured it by himself.)
When I was twelve, I saw Audie Murphy's boots in a museum. Just being within ten feet of his footwear made hairs sprout on my chest.
Replyfew things about Häyhä:
Reply1) When he got shot he was reported KIA, when he woke up and read about his death from a newspaper he called his family with a message "stop the funeral, you are lacking the dead(body)!"
2) in late 90s Häyhä was interviewed, and one of the questions was what had made him so good shot, Häyhä answered with one word; "practice."
3) After the war he reportedly went hunting with the dicta-I mean, president Kekkonen, and Iswear I have seen footage of him hunting with marshall Mannerheim as well.
This was the first article I read on Cracked and it's still my favorite.
ReplyMind over matter.
ReplyThe Brass Testicles means he has balls of steel... or brass
ReplyGood job! You riddled out the symbolism.
You didn't mention that Hayha shot the guy who shot him after being shot himself.
ReplyDUDE HOLY s**t !!( IN AN Indian ACCENT) EXCELLENT !
ReplyWhoever said that bit about truth being stranger than fiction because truth needs to make sense must have retroactively read this article...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThey're awesome.
Awesome they are indeed. I read a post earlier where someone said they did not even feel like a male next to these guys. I would like to call your attention to a woman named Lyudmila Pavlichenko. She had 309 confirmed kills.In her area of operations in the Crimea she was as feared as Vasiliy Zaitsev at Stalingrad. She was wounded by mortar fire, but after recovery, she went on to train snipers, so she was to be responsible for more Nazi deaths. She became the first Soviet citizen to be received by the US President.
^ Yeah, and some of her activities weren't even unsealed from Soviet military archives until after the Cold War. It's like "what more could this woman possibly have done?" LOL.
So there IS a woman. The thought crossed my mind that we were missing a fem fatale on this list. Glad we got that cleared up. I was creating them into a hollywood-style spec-ops team in my head, and there was a clear lack of the other gender present. Well, not any more.
Audie Murphy tried to enlist in the Navy not the Air Force. The Air force wasn't a separate branch until after WW II. There was an Army Air Corp but technically you still would have been in the army. That's O.K. Cracked.
Reply