Yes, you read that right. I'm talking about those GoBots. Although technically older than their more famous kin, GoBots were never more than knockoff Transformers, thanks to their lazy design that left them looking like someone had hacked their transformation process and rigged it unable to progress beyond "just prop that car upright and give it a face." They were no one's favorite toy, including mine; in fact, Kid Pauli was introduced to the concept of bitter disappointment with the GoBot figure that the box claimed answered the name "Sky Gun," but collector sites tell me its true name is the far more apt "Wrong Way."
Fuck you beyond all repair, rotor dick.
Yet, despite the "hey, I know he wanted Optimus Prime, but that other thing looks just the same and is way cheaper" nature of this stupid damn franchise, I find myself yearning for a GoBots movie. Why, you ask? Why this madness?
Because apart from the occasional Pacific Rim, the giant robot genre is so irrevocably fucked that we might as well green-light this shit, too. Also, a GoBots movie might actually wind up pretty excellent, specifically because of the horrible street cred the Transformers franchise has given huge robots. Imagine superhero movies had never exploded the way they did, quality wise, and, instead, some douche with a penchant for explosions had been force-feeding us with awful (but commercially successful) sequels for Shaquille O'Neal's Steel for the last decade. How cool would a genre deconstruction movie like, say, Mystery Men or Kick-Ass seem at that point -- especially as it would be a good movie in its own right. (Screw you, Mystery Men is awesome, and I won't hear a word against it.) That's the situation now with Transformers, and I think GoBots are just the ticket to slap the genre a step closer toward quality, even if it involves a cast of smirking blue poop rocks and pistol-bots with handle dicks.
Pictured: a robot that sure as shit won't be voiced by Peter Cullen.
The world's retinas have been hate-fucked by "serious" movies about transforming giant robots for the better part of a decade -- by now, we should be more than ready for a deconstruction and/or gentle parody take on the subject. So get Matthew Vaughn on the phone and go all Kick-Ass and/or Kingsman: The Secret Service up that shit. I guaran-damn-tee that it won't be worse than whatever bullshit the next Transformers movie is going to throw at us.
And hey -- if the inevitable huge-ass budget proves to be a problem, this wouldn't necessarily need to be a super expensive film. In fact, Cracked already has a script sample for a budget version of GoBots: The Movie, courtesy of our own Chris Bucholz circa 2009.
Pauli is a Cracked freelance editor and weekly columnist. Join his gang on Facebook and Twitter.
For more from Pauli, check out 9 Recipes From the Saddest Cookbook Ever (Tested) and 5 Painful Things Everyone Needs to Realize About Themselves.
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