If Hollywood Remade 'The Gobots'
Well it was only a matter of time I suppose. With the first Transformers movie succeeding despite its substantial terribleness, and the inevitable success of the sequel and it's even more inevitable terribleness set to hit theaters this week, two facts have become obvious to the beady eyes of the Hollywood Producer:
1) Giant robots are awesome
2) People are stupid.
And what better way to capitalize on those two key facts than by making a giant robot movie guaranteed to be worse than the Transformers: a resuscitation of the Gobots franchise - the original Transformers knock off?
Well it's happened, and thanks to the help of a nave young production assistant who thinks I'm going to put in a good word for him with Tom Hanks (I'm not even going to mention him the next time I see Tom) I've managed to obtain a few select pages from the Gobot movie script. It's pretty thrilling stuff, but I should caution any Gofans out there that Gospoilers lie within. Gotread carefully.
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Note: We think we've talked Segway up to $300 for the product placement. We could use it.
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Note: If we can get "Highway to the Danger Zone" for this scene we definitely should.
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There needs to be a Zoids movie now. somebody needs to get on that. It not only has robots but robotic DINOSAURS. The possibilities. We can get Megan Fox and...
Replyi always thought gobots was stupid, so very STUPID and UGLY and did i mention they were STUPID?
Replysoundwave says!: 'Transformers SUPERIOR! Gobots INFERIOR!
I know this has been said before, but... gobots were around before transformers.
Replyif I remember it correctly, the gobots already existed in 1984 and transformers came out in 1985.
(I could be wrong about the dates, but I'm pretty sure gobots existed before transformers and I was really surprised when I found out most people at least on the internet, seem to think it's the other way around).
Heh. Funny thing....
ReplyYou're right Medusa. Excellent call!
Is it not worth noting (I looked through several responses, but by no means all) that Transformers is the actual knockoff? Gobots came first, although they were not as successful...
ReplyGimp - Regarding the bullies whaling on the kid... yes. Where do you think all the effects are going to go in a GO-BOTS movie, into the bots? Hell, no. Into the whale-related beating in the first two minutes of the film.
ReplyThe first twenty if the credits sequence is long enough.
Michael Bay just called me. He wants your movie.
ReplyHe wants it SO BAD.
Jrq,
ReplyMy biggest beef with transformers was the awful storytelling and cheesiness. It had one of the most obvious and anti-climactic climaxes I have ever seen.
To refresh, the whiney brat who's last name I'm pretty sure is french for "the beef" has this cube and optimus prime, beaten, is begging him "put the cube in my chest". The beef then turns around and sticks it in Megatron's chest, and we're done. All the fights and overused badassness is rendered useless with a 10 second act that was completely obvious to everyone (except apparently optimus prime and megatron... the fools). Also just watching it I felt like Bay was mocking us. The whole movie is based entirely on special effects and that's not what I pay to see a movie for. Give me plot, substance, wit, drama. If the best you got is GM pimping their rides and turning a truck into a computer manufactured cheesy idiot, I'll just watch it illegally online.
Does that answer suffice?
"Give me plot, substance, wit, drama."
Yet, you willingly paid for and watched a movie which clearly depicts giant robots.
Like, get some help, dude. Seriously.
jrq:
ReplyI assume you mean the first bay movie, not revenge of the fallen.
well. The plot DID make no goddamn sense. Magic codes burnt into glasses? taking this magical mystery object that all the evil robots want into a CITY for safe keeping?
The humour was forced and unfunny. Pissing robots, hilarious. We're not 9 years old. Sure a transformers movie should be fun for kids, but you can do that without insulting toilet humour.
it would have been so EASY to make a fun movie with this premise that everyone could enjoy on some level. While it wasn't as bad as it could have been, the squandered potential was infuriating for anyone who was even a vague fan of the source material.
usually i don't post comments that arent about the article at hand but i' m seriously searching for someone to coherantly tell me what they think sucks so hard about the transformers movie. i could get it if somebody were to say something like the plot made no sense and explain why but everywhere i go on the internet i just see crazy rants where fans whine about how bumble bee isn't a volkswagon beetle circa 1986 anymore or how the movie had more humans than bots although the producers saidit was because they didn't have the special effects money to animate giant fucking robots in every scene and it would be improved in the sequel which proved true. and yeah micheal bay is the king of 'splosions but he does his best to tell a good entertaining action story. i mean damn at least the people making this movie tried to keep the tranformers in character only updated for mordern day. you transformers fans really don't know how good you have it, did you see what they did to dragonball. now that was an obvious exploited cash-in that threw away the spirit of the source material and its plot to create thier own retarded story that they didn't even bother to try to make sense
ReplyYou REALLY wanna know what sucks about that cinematic abortion? Well pull up a chair! First off, if that idiotic cube was so powerful and dangerous, why the hell would the Autobots risk losing it to a group bent on universal destruction and conquest just because they might hurt a person or two? That's just f**king irresponsible!!! "Sorry, we'd LIKE to defuse the nuclear device but those garden slugs are pretty mad about us being there so we'll leave!"?!?
Secondly, the CGI in that movie was so terrible that all the hand to hand fight scenes look like someone threw a speaker magnet into the silverware drawer and kicked the ball down some stairs! Easily impressed imbeciles will watch it and think "COOOOOL!!!" whereas anyone with two brain cells to rub together would think "What the hell am I watching? OW f**k!!! My head is pounding!"!
And finally, as to your question about why everyone else on Earth thought it was an awful movie with a ridiculous storyline except you. I have to ask... What the flyin' f**k made YOU think it WAS a good story?!? That fact baffles me to no end! It's like he got an eight year old kid to describe the Transformers to him for Four and a half minutes before saying "Yeah yeah, I got it" and making that piece of crap!
Does that help?
That last comment contained at least half the amount of hate felt tiwards the Germans in WWII, but yeah, transformers was basically a combination of plot holes and clichéd story devices all glued together with mediocre CGI
This is the same motherfucker who wrote the G.I. Joe movie, isn't it?
ReplyGoBots: The Poor Kid's Transformer.
ReplyAnd it didn't take you half an hour to change the damn toy!
I need a Segway so I can look like a pretentious oh-so-painfully modern asshole who's too lazy to fucking walk...how fast those things go? 5 MPH? Hey, as long as it transforms, right?
ReplyI'd watch the SHIT out of that movie.
ReplyI didn't think it was funny. Plus, GoBots was before my time. Ah well.
ReplyThis needs to be a broadway play!
ReplyI thought, man, that's damn near perfect Chris.
ReplyUntil I saw the comment
"The ending needs to zoom out on Nick making the dick-sucking gesture and keep zooming out until we’re in space looking at earth, then zoom out to find out Earth was on a TV monitor, then have some villanous villan laughing about what fools all these Earthlings are.
THE END… ???"
How fucking awesome is that?
P.S. Funny script though.
ReplyNearly everyone is missing the point of why Transformers sucked, they developed a particular CGI technology and then found an application for it by writing a shit story based around a children's cartoon/toy range. It is the creative equivalent of wiping you arse and then having a shit.
ReplyRant over, until I have to endure the no-doubt retarded sequel with my six year old son.
What would LEADER 1 and CY-KILL look like and then there ol ZOD
Reply