To anyone with an interest in the matter, it's become painfully obvious that Nicolas Cage is making movies strictly for the paycheck these days. In short, Nicolas Cage has become a sad real-life embodiment of the deranged lunatics he was once (and now understandably is) so adept at portraying on screen.

Why He Doesn't Deserve It

Aziz Ansari and/or Chris Rock recently joked that being a comic is way harder than being a musician, because comics are expected to come up with completely new material constantly, whereas musicians can play the same hits for an entire career. I'm not sure who came up with that comparison first, but I think they're both wrong.

I suspect most musicians with any sort of back catalog to their credit would love nothing more than for their new stuff to become popular enough that people are content just hearing that, as opposed to screaming out requests for decades-old hits night after night. They probably wouldn't bother making new music if that wasn't the case. If your chief complaint as an entertainer is that fans expect and encourage you to try new things, you should examine your motivations for wanting to be an entertainer in the first place.

What does this have to do with Nicolas Cage? The answer, of course, is Neil Young.

Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Yes, of course.

In keeping with the spirit of this article, don't take the fact that I bashed his stupid "high-resolution music player" last week as some sort of sign that I dislike Neil Young. Quite the opposite. In the annals of music history, he's like my third or fourth favorite person ever, primarily because he's built a career on giving not a single shit if people actually enjoy the work he's doing. He doesn't record a weird '80s synthesizer-laden album full of electronic dance music and then hit the road to play "Heart of Gold" and "Cinnamon Girl" to throngs of adoring fans. No, he makes that album, puts on a skinny tie, plays that album in its entirety, and then records it all so you can still see it decades later on DVD.

It is a path he has been on his entire career. He has never wavered from it, and people love him for that, even if it means running the risk of being unexpectedly subjected to hearing a concept album about the environment in its entirety when you spend money to see him in concert.

For all intents and purposes, Nicolas Cage is the Neil Young of movies. Just like Neil Young, we tend to forget that, even back when it seemed like he was doing nothing but great work, a quick examination of the facts reveals that there has never been a time when Nicolas Cage wasn't shitting on his body of work by making movies so terrible that they border on self-sabotage. Sure, Neil Young mostly ruled in the early '70s, but he also followed up the biggest success of his career, the 1971 album Harvest, with a terrible movie with an equally terrible soundtrack by the name of Journey Through the Past.

With that in mind, can you remember what Nic Cage came back with after the one-two punch of Raising Arizona and Moonstruck? That's right, Vampire's Kiss, a movie you've never seen about a publishing executive who thinks he might be a vampire. As terrible as that movie might be, I can guarantee Nicolas Cage is the best thing about it.

Wikipedia
That and the poster, obviously.

What I'm getting at here is that Nicolas Cage is not a once-great actor who destroyed his own legacy. Nicolas Cage is an unspeakably talented actor who takes a lot of chances without regard for how any of them might impact his reputation or career. Yes, he's hit a bit of a rough patch in terms of making "great" movies, but he's got a lot of years ahead of him. Many people had given up on Neil Young after he spent the entirety of the '80s making terrible music, only to welcome him back to work right at the end of the decade when "Rockin' in the Free World" came out and put him back in everyone's good graces.

Nicolas Cage will have another hit someday, and you will love him again when he does. What makes Nicolas Cage special is that, even then, he still won't give a shit what you think, and you'll know it when Wicker Man 2 comes out a few months later.

I don't really know how to address this one. Are we saying Anne Hathaway is ugly? She's not. I'm not sure what else to say. Forest Whitaker has a crazy eye, no one hates him for it, you know?

Buzzfeed

You sound stupid.

Buzzfeed

While I agree that it isn't the strongest screenplay she's ever written and her directing work was much better on Inception, it still seems like a bit of a stretch to blame the relative shittiness of The Dark Knight Rises on Anne Hathaway. At least part of the blame falls on the fact that it was a stupid movie. Beyond that, if you weren't satisfied with her portrayal of Catwoman, by all means, tell me who did it better?

Go ahead, say it!

Right, everyone sucks as Catwoman, because Catwoman is a stupid character. That said, you'd probably take the role too if you were an actor.

Buzzfeed

If you saw Love and Other Drugs, that's your fault, not Anne Hathaway's.

Buzzfeed

Good.

Buzzfeed

Citation needed? I don't know, but everything else is basically this said eight different ways. As far as I can tell, the biggest knock against Anne Hathaway is that there isn't anything to hate about her. That's definitely boring, but do we need to be such dicks about it?

For a handful of folks here in the states (like me) and just about everyone in England, where Oasis is still popular enough that they set a U.K. record by selling 500,000 tickets for their 2009 tour in just seven hours, an Oasis reunion is huge news. For everyone else, it's a good reason to revisit all the reasons people learned to hate Oasis so much during their heyday.

Why They Don't Deserve It

Liam and Noel Gallagher, for lack of a better term, are a couple of cunts. Relax, ladies, it just means "jerk" in England or whatever. Kids say it in school and such. If anything, it's England's egregious and continued use of the term "fag" that should offend people.

Jason Oxenham/Getty Images News/Getty Images
It's a disgusting habit.

Anyway, people don't like the Gallagher brothers much, because the Gallagher brothers aren't very likable. Sure, most of their antics are right in line with the kind of thing that people adored about the Sex Pistols and bands of the like, but for some reason, people are a lot less tolerant of it coming from Oasis. Is it because Oasis also happens to "borrow" a good portion of their catalog from other artists? So do a lot of people, but to their credit, at least they aren't the Spice Girls with cheap guitars, which is a perfectly accurate description of the Sex Pistols, whether anyone wants to admit it or not.

"Which one of you is Ginger?"

I've always seen Liam and Noel Gallagher's unspeakably terrible personalities as something else, though. To me, Oasis has always been an embodiment of the notion that love conquers all.

YouTube
Including the need for manicured eyebrows.

Sure, if you get them in the same room for more than a few minutes, it's obvious that the two can barely stand to be around each other, but that just makes the fact that they stuck it out long enough to release seven albums over the course of a decade and a half all the more impressive. No matter how successful a band may be, they don't usually survive one member sitting in the balcony smoking cigarettes, drinking whiskey, and heckling the other members loudly just a few short hours after dropping out of a televised concert with claims of a sore throat.

Yes, that happened to Oasis, and no, I don't know the exact spot in that 45 minute video where you can see it. I'm sure some helpful Oasis fan in the comments section will have the answer you seek, though. Anyway, Kurt Cobain would've shot Dave Grohl in the head for pulling a stunt like that, and coming from anyone else, Noel Gallagher most certainly would have as well. Liam Gallagher is his brother, though, and no matter how much of a bloody cunt he may be, at the end of the day, those two will always love each other. They even wrote a song about it.

Are the Gallagher brothers assholes? No, but only because the proper term is "arseholes" where they come from. Beyond that, yes, totally. That doesn't make watching them pretend to hate each other any less enjoyable, though.

Oh, but there's also the part where she milks unfortunate crimes for entertainment purposes, right? Yes, because America's Most Wanted and Cops never had commercials, apparently. Everything on television is there for entertainment, first and foremost. If there is educational value to be found in something you watch on television, that's because it's programming aimed at people who are entertained by learning shit, not because those are the "good" shows. Nancy Grace wouldn't have a career in television if there wasn't a huge segment of the population that loves to watch courtroom drama unfold in real life. You do realize people just show up and watch that shit in person, right?

Happy 20th, O.J. trial!

Getting mad at her for calling play-by-play on a court case is no different from getting mad at Al Michaels for doing Sunday Night Football. In both cases, their job is to add commentary to an event that a lot of people want to watch. I understand that Nancy Grace's delivery doesn't sit well with a lot of people, but so what? A lot of people thought John Madden was annoying as shit as an announcer, but he kept the job for a whole lot of years nevertheless.

Wikipedia
Probably because he's the only man on Earth who knows how to properly cook a turducken.

If anything, I'd think people would be a little more understanding when Nancy Grace goes overboard the way she does, given the subject matter she's dealing with. There are a lot worse things a person can be passionate about than justice for murdered children, you know?

Why All the Hate?

Tyler Perry, first and foremost, gets hate for making terrible movies. Sure, most of those people have never seen a Tyler Perry movie to know for sure how bad they really are, but what do you need to see? Isn't the poster usually enough?

Can't wait to never see it!

That's basically Big Momma's House Part 6 or something, right? Just more of that cross-dressing comedy that Dave Chappelle complained about way back when he first resurfaced after his Comedy Central debacle. Spike Lee basically said as much in an interview when asked about Tyler Perry's success, and it's a hard point to argue against if you're basing your opinion on movie posters alone.

Why They Don't Deserve It

Here's what you don't realize about Tyler Perry's Madea movies -- they are dark as shit. If you think I mean that in a racial sense, you're racist. Everyone else should understand that I mean that, underneath the surface, those movies are barely comedies. Take the chucklefest that is Madea's Family Reunion.

Not exactly the cast of characters you'd expect in a movie with a sentence like this in its plot summary:

"Vanessa is trying to find love while struggling to forgive her mother for allowing her stepfather to rape her numerous times in her younger teen years."

Excuse me? Where was Big Momma when all this was happening? Or how about this pair of dandies from Madea Goes to Jail?

"Candace runs away from Josh's apartment and is back on the streets working as a prostitute, until she gets picked up and arrested by an undercover cop."

"He ended up leaving Candace behind at the party, where a group of his friends gang raped her, for which Josh continues to harbor deep-seated guilt."

See, Tyler Perry's Madea movies aren't the black version of the Ernest Goes to Camp franchise, no matter what the posters may imply to the contrary. Rather, they're more like the movies Spike Lee probably thinks he makes posing as Ernest Goes to Camp movies as a means to rope in audiences that wouldn't normally be drawn to a drama about rape and other assorted family matters. It's kind of like how Babe: Pig in the City seems like a silly kids' movie from all outward appearances, but is actually a sort-of drama that touches on a bunch of social issues. Gene Siskel named it the best film of 1998, and no, I'm not making any of that up.

Wikipedia
The Tyler Perry of animal movies.

Dismiss it all you want, but Madea is possibly the most subversive character in Hollywood right now. Those movies are not Tyler Perry at his silliest. They are Tyler Perry being way too heavy for most audiences to handle.

Adam would like it a whole lot if you'd download the latest episode of his podcast and/or watch him tell jokes at Rooftop Comedy. Then come see him do that in person the first and third Tuesday of every month at Westside Comedy Theater in Santa Monica. Once you have all of that out of your system, follow him on Twitter and Facebook.