"Boulevard"? That word's about as sexy as "dysentery" or "Hasselhoff." The fact that it's sung as out of tune as every other word isn't helping. And what's with all that music in the street? Are there bands all over the place, trying to out-music each other, or did a dump truck full of music tip over? Is it disrupting traffic? I mean, he's not talking about the quality of the music; he's clearly talking about quantity. There's just so much of it, and I guess he really likes that. But wait, there's more. There's the chorus:

I am the night rocker
I wanna rock you all night long
I am the night rocker
I wanna love you in a song
It's a sweet lullaby
And I know you want to fly
So come, let's fly away
I am the night rocker

He's the night rocker; he'll rock you all night long. His story checks out when you do the math, but something tells me there'll be less rocking and more half a glass of fiber supplement before bed.

Here's a sample lyric, spelled phonetically for your enjoyment:

And I think to myself, "Wow, what a byoo-dee-full world."

The Beatles somehow dropped their accents entirely when they sang, but Pesci manages to ham his up by a couple of degrees on the Tony Danza scale. But he's in character, right? So it's charming? Well, here's Pesci busting out his '90s rap groove for "Wise Guy," a song about how he'll sexually violate your female relatives and then kill the men in your family, if time permits.

First, to ease us into the song:

It's the bitches that'll get yas
It's the bitches that'll get yas
It's the bitches that'll get yas

The stage has been set. We're already wary of bitches because we know they will get us. What next, Cousin Vinny?

A made man, fact like my ass is fat
Catch Joe in Bermuda throwing 'em back
Sipping on Tequila with a straw hat
Put the prez on hold, tell him I'll call him back
Tow away zones? I don't get a ticket
Any crime committed, that shit is acquitted
I'm a goodfella, I'll tell ya if I did it
Freak scenes with your wife last time I hit it
Cuz I'm more man than you'll ever be
And it was probably your wife in bed with me
If you see me you better look the other way
Double cross me you won't live to see another day
I got seven cars in my garage
A limousine with a TV and bar
I'm a star
Don't do blow and I don't sell crack
Stay alert, I got someone to whack

Via Pfsyn.com
Fuck the Oscars. Get this man a Grammy.

This is all presented with unbridled sincerity, like a latter day Kanye West. Why was Pesci probably sleeping with your wife -- what the hell did you ever do to him? For that matter, what war crime did you commit to make your wife turn to Joe Pesci for comfort? And why do we care about the TV in his limo? Minivans have TVs in them. And most bizarre of all, how does he go from callously ignoring parking tickets to straight-up murder? This verse got out of hand.

Even more shocking is that, yes, Pesci actually is/was a singer and released an album before his acting career took off. He was almost in The Four Seasons, in fact. So what happened? We can only assume all those blows to the head during Home Alone ruined him.

If you sing with me
We can fill the world with harmony
If you dance with me
We can create a better place to be
Walk with me, feel me musically
You gotta let the music be the remedy
If you sing with me
We can change the world with a melody

You're going to think I'm joking when I tell you this, but I swear to you that I'm not: That song is literally just called "Music." And now I can't stop laughing, thinking of him saying things like, "This is a poem I wrote for my youngest child, Daughter. It's called 'Poem.'" Here's what it sounds like:

You can almost see Seagal playing a brightly colored plastic ukulele while a cartoon lamb sings backup vocals. The album is so unfocused it's hard to imagine anyone not in the midst of a bath-salts-fueled rage appreciating it for anything more than its comedy value. This is epitomized in the song "Lollipop," for which nothing can prepare you either physically or emotionally. You're not ready to hear this song; no one is. It's what happens when a sleepy white guy who fancies himself a Native American/Japanese warrior tries to become Bob Marley. The result is the Lords Of Darkness wincing and putting tentacles in their ears while the inventor of music shoots God a quick "I'm sorry" Hallmark card. Ostentatious and exaggerated criticism? I dare you to listen to the song that spawned these lyrics:

My girl Lollipop
My girl Lollipop (woooh yeah)
You make my heart go giddyup (woooh yeah)
You are as sweet as candy (woooh yeah)
You are my sugar dandy (woooh yeah)

That's, sadly, the least-stupid part of the song, and Seagal sings it with a mumble-mouth vaguely Jamaican patois. Should any decent human ever have to use the word "patois" when discussing Steven Seagal? God no.

T's "Don't Talk To Strangers" is probably the album's most egregious example of a badass tough guy from yesteryear shitting all over his own image for the sake of pandering to children. His voice takes on the affectation of one speaking to a dog that has a penchant for running into windows.

You're walking home after school
And this man drives up, and he's acting real cool
He'll say, "You want some candy, or do you need a ride?"
You just say, "No thank you, sir. I'm doing just fine!"

Bam! Abduction thwarted. I love it when a plan comes together.

When you're afraid my love will guide you
We'll cross the deepest ocean 'til we reach the other shore
And when you think you're out of love, I'll give you more and more

These are abrasively bad lyrics, like musical sand paper doused in Tabasco and rubbed on your asshole. The sorts of things a sixth-grader writes inside his binder during algebra because he's convinced if he ever meets Dave Navarro this is the song that will make him famous, and it was totally inspired by the time at that party when he felt Stephanie's boob. Wait, it gets worse:

I still remember when you gave your heart to me
It was a year ago today
We made a promise as I held you tenderly
A gift of love and holiday

That's from Furlong's holiday opus "It's Christmas Time," a festive ditty he had the balls to include in the same curiously robotic monotone as the entire rest of the album. Keep in mind this album was released in 1992 to capitalize on Furlong's Terminator fame, which means it was recorded in his mid-teens, and every song is about his undying love for some nameless girl who's in for an unfortunate romance -- except one: Furlong's aggressively terrible cover of The Doors' "People Are Strange," an addition clearly meant to punish Jim Morrison in the afterlife for some unnamed crime against Furlong's family.

Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: to get there you'd have to cross a bridge. Sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy, if you fell off you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer as they discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!

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