Dear gay people,
Much to the chagrin of the "moral majority" and the "religious right," it seems gay marriage may soon become a reality in my home state of New York. At the time of writing, we await a razor-thin vote in the State Senate that could make us the sixth state in the union to recognize your right to marry. And even if the upcoming bill fails, the tide is clearly turning in the favor of gays just like you.
Who's to say why? Maybe we're just tired of spouting off about you burning in hell for your sins when so many of you sinners are our brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, and clergymen. I mean, there sure are a lot of you out there, and all that finger-pointing and vilifying hasn't made you guys like girls any more, or you girls like Melissa Etheridge any less. And even though I keep hearing that the gay lifestyle is a nonstop hedonistic, immoral sinfest, for some weird reason you hedonist, immoral, sinners just keep wanting to get married to the people you love.
The thrill-a-minute, sexually extreme road to Hell.
And good for you. But even if fewer straight people are filled with hatred and fear of gays, I'm not sure gays are filled with the appropriate level of hatred and fear of marriage. And since everyone at Cracked says I'm probably great at filling gays, I thought I'd impart a few tips.
So listen up. Before you get all excited about equal protection under the law and freedom; before you start rejoicing about being allowed to visit your partner of 40 years in the hospital because you're now considered part of the immediate family; before you start disco dancing about your possessions passing to your spouse as a matter of law upon your death; before you start body-waxing in delight that the state recognizes your love as, just that, love, there are some things you ought to know:
I don't care if you're straight or you're gay, in every relationship there's always one partner who wants to commit first. Through the centuries men have had to push off their girlfriends' attempts to get them to settle down. "Oh, now's not a good time, babe. When we're more financially secure. When we can go three weeks without fighting. When I'm sure I can't get someone hotter." (Actually, straight dudes usually leave that last one out.)
But you guys have it made. "Sorry, baby. You know I love you. I'd marry you in a second, but, y'know, my hands are tied. Damn government!" Perfect. You give your airtight justification, then you have hot gay sex and head off to work at the hair salon or the poetry factory or wherever you gay people work and have more hot deviant sex with your coworkers in the bathroom. It's awesome. I mean, don't get me wrong. Of course, we heterosexuals absolutely value the sanctity of marriage. I mean that's why adultery is almost completely unheard of in the straight community. But you guys! Damn, you have a "get out of marriage free" card. You can pretend to really want to marry your partner, but, then -- and this is the point that I'm not sure I've stressed enough -- totally not marry them. And it's OK. Have you overlooked this somehow? Look, I know filing joint taxes is awesome and everything, but are you sure you've thought this through?
"This will never work. I am so totally set."
Man, you guys don't know how good you have it! Your love is still illegal in some places. There are people who want to murder you because they find your sexuality physically disgusting and morally repugnant. Homosexuality has been associated with secret sex in closets and clandestine locations all for fear of being detected and with dire consequences. Do you know what that means? Gay sex is incredibly hot.
Do you realize straight dudes have to fuck their secretaries on their desk while their boss is just outside their door and their wife is on hold just to approach one tenth of that level of hot forbidden lust? Do you realize what you're giving up? Do you understand how many boring heterosexuals would just love to come home from work being able to say, "Damn, it feels good to be a Sodomite! Imma put on my leather chaps and bang some dude I just met." Or, hell, even if you're not into that freaky stuff. Even if you've been dating the same guy for years, you can get home from the office and say, "Honey, let's break some laws ... WITH OUR COCKS!"
"Sigh. I wish my erection had to the power to break laws while engaged in consensual sex."
But if gay marriage is legal? Wow, talk about erection poison. Picture it. You come home from a hard day of choreographing a Broadway show. Your boyfriend is in the kitchen cooking something gay, and you greet him with a kiss. (Totally legal!) Maybe you embrace. Then talk about your day. Maybe you two even make it to bed. Next thing you know, you're making love. State-sanctioned, love-based sex between two consensual adults who care deeply for each other. YAWN. I mean, fuck. If you were gonna do that, you might as well have married some chick. I know you don't dig women sexually, but married people don't have sex anyway so y'know, it's not like we're asking very much of you.
Now I might not know a lot about gay people, but TV has taught me enough to realize what gays are good at: being fat girls' best friends; advising lame straight people how to be hip; and interior decorating. In fact, the latest completely manufactured statistics say that these three jobs account for 90 percent of the gay economy.
Admittedly, I'm still gathering support for my lesbian statistics:
But answer me this: are you willing to give up your jobs for marriage? I know, I know, I can hear you now: "But Gladstone, can't I marry the love of my life and still be a personal stylist?" To which I say, "No, of course not, you silly gay person!" (I'm sorry, I don't know your first name.) Who the hell would trust a married person to tell them what's hip? The whole point of getting married is letting yourself go and not giving a crap about what you eat or how you dress. We straight people know that being gay is a 24/7 life of making sure you have washboard abs and no trace of body hair. That's what we love about you. Your dedication to being so much cooler than us. Do you really want to throw all that away? You're our sexy, fit, sarcastic drama queens we use in small doses for comic relief and well-reasoned wardrobe choices. Why would you want to lose all that just to be a real person with full rights under the law?
And what about being BFFs with fat girls? I mean, I don't pretend to understand the economics of how that job pays (do you guys use our currency or do you just like barter in rhinestones and Streisand records) but I'm sure it must be very profitable. I mean, why else would so many of you do it? Do you think your husband is going to wait for you at home after he's slaved all day preparing you a dinner of seared tofu and flirtinis while you're off telling your gal pal that she just needs to find a man who appreciates how pretty her face is? It ain't happening.
"Well, did you tell her it's what's on the inside that counts? And that still didn't work? OK. See you in a few more hours. No problem."
And an interior decorator? What do married people know about cool apartments? I'm married. We care about functionality. The coolest thing in my house is an ottoman with a top that lifts up so you can store magazines in it. Once you get married, you'll be out of touch with all those cool interesting people that hold designer drug parties in abandoned factories in the meat packing district. "Oh, Julian, when you're done snorting that "Krunkel 9," you absolutely must check out these petrified wolf penises from Alaska! They make absolutely divine centerpieces." Yeah, those days are over, Julian. (Julian? Is that your name? I'm just going by what the wolf penis chick said). But yeah, no more of that. Weekends will be filled with trips to Costco to buy toilet paper in bulk and those 40 slice cheese sampler platters you both like.
Face it: your days of being cool outsiders with unique perspectives are over. You're gonna be just like the rest of us now. Boring and domesticated, and probably without any reality TV characters to claim as your own. Sure, some of you may have already been living with your spouses for five or 60 years; you may have dedicated your lives to the care and love of one other person; or even raised a family, but you were still badasses on the outside of decent society. And now it seems, due to your short-sighted persistence, we're finally letting you in. Well, I hope you're happy.
Check out more from Gladstone in Adam Lambert vs. Clay Aiken: The Gayest Feud of All-Time and TV's Greatest Off-Screen Quotes and Catchphrases.
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