TV's Greatest Off-Screen Quotes and Catchphrases

This week, TV Land released its top 100 TV catchphrases. Frankly, this is one list we could’ve done without. We’ve already heard the Budweiser “Whassup?" and Emeril’s “Bam” to the point of being sick. Why the hell do we need a list to remind us of these overused quotes we’ve been trying to get out of our head?

What we do need is a compilation of the stuff we haven’t heard before. Everybody knows that in real life TV stars talk a lot cruder than the PG one-liners they sprout on air. Well, we got the crude stuff for you. We’re not proud how we did it (let’s just say it might have involved some dumpster diving for trashed reels), but that’s nothing a good shower and some Febreze can’t fix. Besides, the results were worth it.  

“Take ten, guys. The folks from Industrial Light and Magic are still working on Mr. Trump’s ‘hair.’”

-Director, The Apprentice

“Hey Diamond. Thanks for your advice. I’m gonna do Showgirls.”

-Elizabeth Berkeley, Saved By The Bell

“For the love of God, Mr. Rather. Please put on some pants!”

-Production Assistant, CBS Evening News

“Hey Jerry, I know we’re parodying Johnnie Cochran, but does this Jackie Chiles character have to be black?”

-Michael Richards, Seinfeld

“No Chris, you can’t be both the host and the bachelor this season.”

-Producer, The Bachelor

“I don’t give a good goddamn about your production schedule, Roddenberry. The Vulcan and I don’t kill Klingons on Yom Kippur!”

-William Shatner, Star Trek

“Sorry, Reiner. I only have sex with famous directors.”

-Sally Struthers, All in the Family

“I want the million dollar question to be ‘how big a bitch is Kathie Lee Gifford?’”

-Regis Philbin, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

“Guys, it’s just a stupid disco movie. I’ll be back next season.”

-John Travolta, Welcome Back, Kotter

“Quick, get the President a dictionary. We need to look up 'sexual relations.'

-Vernon Jordan, Clinton Presidential Address

“Simon, he’s just some delivery boy from Steve’s Deli. Do you think you could spare him the lecture about your turkey club being ‘an abomination to the culinary art of sandwich making?'”

-Ryan Seacrest, American Idol

“Okay, Lights. Check. Sound. Check. Pound of cocaine for Mr. Williams. Check.”

-Production Assistant, Mork & Mindy

“Enough with the lectures, Conrad. You talk to us kids like we’re gonna grow up to be a bunch of thieving, abusive crack addicts.”

-Gary Coleman, Diff’rent Strokes

“Hey Lauer, you’re not foolin’ anyone with the buzz cut, baldy.”

-Katie Couric, Today Show

“For the last time, I just matured. I did not have a full plastic surgery makeover after the '80s.”

-Patrick Dempsey, Grey’s Anatomy

“If I give each one of you suburbanite whores a car, will you promise to drive the fuck away from me?”

-Oprah Winfrey, The Oprah Winfrey Show