14 Long Jokes That Are Worth the Funny Squeeze

14 Tig Notaro on Having to Give the Sex Talk Both Earlier and Later Than She’d Expected

“We are the very proud parents of two tiny baby boys. It is very exhausting to have a baby. And we have twins. So the more you add to the equation, as many of you know, it’s exhausting. Maybe three weeks into their lives, it’s four in the morning or so, we were lying in bed — at that point we were still feeding them every couple hours — and our eyes were rolling in the back of our heads exhausted. And Stephanie turned and asked, ‘How do you have sex with a baby?’ And I said, ‘You don’t.’ And that was the beginning of a 10-minute-long misunderstanding. ‘What do you mean you don’t have sex with a baby?’ ‘What do you mean, what do I mean?’ ‘What are you talking about?’ ‘Who did I marry?’”

13 John Mulaney on His Stalled Athletic Career

“I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away —​ then they’re just pants.”

12 Iliza Shlesinger on Finding Out Where You Fit in in the Dating Scene

“The next time you’re out wherever you go to meet boys — a bar, a club, Little Caesars — and you see a guy that’s hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you’re hot, he’ll be like, ‘That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You’re so adorable, that didn’t hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don’t put your thumb in, you’ll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.’ If you’re ugly — boom. He’s knocking you out ‘cause no guy’s going to take that from an ugly chick.”

11 Maria Bamford on Anxiety

“I have a lot of anxiety. I don’t know what yours feels like. Here’s what mine feels like: You’re at a party, and it’s just a regular fun party, and then someone shows up in a really pretty frighteningly realistic gorilla costume, except you can see their eyeballs inside, and you know it’s just fucking Steve Benaquist, and everyone says, ‘Oh, yeah, Steve Benaquist.’ But he won’t say he’s Steve Benaquist, and then he starts chasing you. That’s what I feel like all the time. 

“My mom has anxiety. She could not find me in the house. An object at rest stays at rest. I’m in a corner curled with my bristles to the outside. I’m asleep somewhere. She called my sister in a panic and said, ‘Maria has disappeared, and I’m worried she’s killed herself, and I have a hair appointment in town.’ Much like our nation’s airports, my mom is always at level orange and cannot discern between a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo and an explosive device.”

10 Ali Wong on Domestic Roles

“A lot of people like to ask me, ‘Ali, how on Earth do you balance family and career?’ Men never get asked that question, because they don’t. My husband occasionally changes diapers and when people hear that — oh my God, confetti everywhere! ‘I cannot believe that your husband changes diapers. What a doting, modern father, lucky you.’ When my baby girl was first born, I would do skin-on-skin contact every day to bond with her. She shit on my chest. Where’s my confetti at?”

9 Gary Gulman on Insomnia

“I have 236 movies on my queue, and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don’t fall directly back to sleep, I’m like, ‘I’ve been up for an hour and a half, I could have watched Toy Story 3 by now.’ In this economy it’s a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.”

8 Taylor Tomlinson on Out-Crazying Your Significant Other’s Ex

“I did want to be married, though. I wanted to be married. Mostly so I wouldn’t have to date anymore. I will say, though, the best time to date is immediately after a very painful breakup, ‘cause your standards are so low. Oh, after I broke off my engagement, I was like, ‘All I want to do is make out with someone who hasn’t seen me cry in the tub.’ Like, that’s all I wanted. I just wanted a fresh one who didn’t know I was crazy, who’d come in like, ‘You’re not like other girls.’ I’m like, ‘Mm-mmm, not yet.’ You’re sitting across from him at dinner while he talks about his ex. You’re like, ‘She sounds nuts.’ But in your head you’re like, ‘We would be friends. If this doesn’t work out, I’ll call her. She made a fake Facebook account to stalk you after you blocked her? That’s insane. I would never do that… on Facebook. She sounds old.’”

7 Norm Macdonald on Censorship

“All kinds of violence on the TV. You’re not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can’t watch it ‘cause they’re afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can’t even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.”

6 Trevor Noah on Confronting Your Nation’s Uncomfortable Baggage

“What I loved about being in Germany when they were talking about their history is how forthright they are about it. They know it’s painful. They know that it’s a terrible blight on who they are, but they don’t hide from it. When I saw them doing this, I went, ‘Man, I wish America did this with history.’ ‘Cause you ever see how awkward it is, speaking about history in America? It gets tense. Doesn’t matter what history it is. It gets tense. Columbus Day is one of those days. Every year in New York, there’s a fight. Here in Detroit, there was a fight. There was a bust of Christopher Columbus; it was around for 110 years. At one point, half of Detroit was like, ‘We need to get rid of it.’ The other half said, ‘Don’t get rid of it.’ It was a huge fight. New York, same thing, every year. Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples’ Day. Columbus Day, Indigenous Peoples’ Day. There was an interview on the news I saw once. It wasn’t supposed to be funny, but I found it funny. The reporter went to a guy and asked, ‘What will you be doing for Indigenous Peoples’ Day?’

“He was like, ‘It’s Columbus Day, I’m sick and tired of people coming in and changing the name. We’re proud of that day. It’s Christopher Columbus, Columbus Day. It’s not gonna change. In fact, how would you feel if somebody came along, took something that’s been around for a long time, and just decided to switch it and call it something else? Huh? How would you feel?’”

5 Steven Wright on Bedtime Procrastination

“I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, ‘Steven, time to go to sleep.’ I said, ‘But I don’t know how.’ She said, ‘It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.’ So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, ‘I thought I told you to go to sleep.’”

4 Michelle Wolf on How Scary It Is to Be Happy

“Being in love, and being happy, is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Before this, I was always single and I was miserable, and it made sense, and I knew why. Now I’m happy, and I’m in love, and it’s terrifying because it could go away at any point. But I actually think this is the key to a successful relationship. Never feel secure. No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, always think your partner could leave. ‘Cause then you’re never too mean. Like, I treat my guy like an indoor/outdoor cat. I’m like, ‘You can go, but there’s good food here.’”

3 Anthony Jeselnik Reflecting on the Holiday Season

“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list — Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”

2 Bill Hicks Giving Some Pretentious Gifted Kid Energy, But Maybe That’s Your Vibe Too

“I was in Nashville, Tennessee last weekend, and after the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m sitting there, and I’m eating and reading a book. I don’t know anybody. I’m alone, I’m eating and I’m reading a book. This waitress comes over to me: ‘What you readin’ for?’ I've never been asked that — not ‘What am I reading?’, ‘What am I reading for?’ Well, goddamnit, you stumped me! I guess I read for a lot of reasons — the main one is so I don’t end up being a fuckin’ waffle waitress. Yeah, that would be pretty high on the list. Then this trucker in the booth next to me gets up, stands over me and says, ‘Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.’ It’s like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George costume or something. Am I stepping out of some intellectual closet here? I read — there I said it. I feel better.”

1 George Carlin’s Posthumous 2024 Special ‘I’m Glad I’m Dead’

This whole shitty hour of A.I.- and hack-generated “comedy” is a joke. Will Sasso should have stuck to spitting up lemons on Vine.