National Conventions Are Pointless Wastes Of Time

Last night was the first night of the seemingly infinite time-spanning saga, the national party convention season. Events held every four years to chum the political waters like the stupidest Shark Week special imaginable. Going to the DNC is like going to Burning Man except with the none of the drugs, but everyone is still telling you how to use them. The conventions are a glorified coronation event that both parties should be ashamed of, but I never realized just how useless they were until last night's event. Because of COVID, the convention was stripped down to its essence: A series of lectures given on Zoom by Democratic Party Officials and John Kasich, telling you to vote for the person you were already voting for. As our friend Jason Pargin notes:

Seriously, can someone explain to me why we even do this? Who is possibly interested enough in politics that they're tuning in to this ...

... yet, is also a person who hasn't yet made up their mind about whom to vote for? Historically the party conventions were a place to select the nominee, and, back before the internet was a thing, this made sense. You needed to get everyone under the same roof to debate and rally support and strategize. But the last time we didn't know who our candidate was heading into the convention was the 1950's. We don't need to gather in a room with Billy Porter and Stephen Stills to figure it out.

Forget my Burning Man reference from earlier. That video might as well have been from Woodstock. What is going on here? It's like Billy Porter's audition tape for a very confused Vampire Hunter: The Musical. Still might not have measured up to the grabby oddity of 2016's balloon-free-for-all ...

... we've still got a ways to go before this is all over. Please, can we stop with these party conventions? They're embarrassing and weird, and whatever votes we possibly could gain by trotting out Michelle Obama for another message of unity, they can't be worth this: 

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Top Image: DNC, Wiki Commons