Trump Giving Friends Millions In Relief Is More Important Than Him Cheating On The SAT

The Trump administration has been great for the tell-all book business. The already hot industry will explode when/if he ever leaves office. Every member of his staff, from personal aides to lowly interns, will be slanging gossip. It's not difficult to imagine so one very close to him getting in on the act now Trump's own niece, Mary L. Trump, has her own scandalous tell-all book coming out soon. Review copies have been sent out to the press and the revelations that have leaked out so far are all stuff we either already knew or all just assumed. None of it is particularly newsworthy, yet it's getting plenty of airtime on cable news and online.

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Meanwhile, PPP money that went to businesses struggling during the pandemic was used as a pool of corruption money paid directly to Trump's closest friends and allies and celebrity brownnosers.

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According to Mary Trump's tell-all, Trump may have paid someone to take the SATs for him. Oh, did you already assume that the SAT scores he's bragged about but refuses to let anyone see were at best not real and at worst the product of cheating? You know, because he's an earth-shatteringly stupid man who proves it every single time he speaks, without fail? Well, Trump gave millions to billionaires, noted Trump sycophant, and fellow egomaniac Kanye West's shoe company in PPP relief. Some small businesses owned by regular, non-mega famous people only got a single dollar from that same program.

Mary Trump says that any religious reverence Donald has ever exhibited is purely performative, writing that "The only time Donald went to church was when the cameras were there." We all kind of figured that when he had peaceful protestors teargassed so he could lifelessly hold a bible above his head while standing in front of a church for a photo op. Anyway, Trump gave millions in federal coronavirus aid money directly to businesses owned by his biggest donors.

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Mary says in her book that when Donald's older brother was having an alcohol-induced heart attack that ultimately killed him, the whole family, Donald included, sent him off to the hospital alone. Donald then went to watch a movie as his brother died. Wow. Harrowing stuff. The company owned by Elaine Chao, the Secretary of the Department of Transpiration and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnel's wife, received between $350,000 and $1 million in PPP loans yet we all lost our minds when Shake Shack got a loan that it eventually returned.

Mary outs herself as one of the New York Times' primary sources for their big 2018 expose that showed that Donald wasn't nearly as self-made as he says and that his businesses only stayed afloat thanks to $400 million cash injections from his father's companies. Yeah, we know. But what we didn't know is that Trump's own companies that he never divested from, Jared Kushner's real estate company, and dopy Trump stooge Devin Nunes' winery all received some of the biggest loans the relief program had to offer? Because that seems more important.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Catch him on the "In Broad Daylight" podcast with Cracked alums Adam Tod Brown and Ian Fortey! Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. Listen to the first episode on Youtube!

Top Image: Simon & Schuster


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