VICE Is Suing The Government Over A Dog's Genitals
No one really likes to be corrected, but few of us have the power to bend reality to our ill-informed will. Unfortunately, we've given that power to Donald Trump, who employs God knows how many humans to persuade the public that the facts line up with whatever nonsense he's recently vomited, whether it's a typo in a tweet, the impending arrival of violent gangs of immigrants, or -- now -- a dog's pronouns.
It all started back in November, when a military dog named Conan was honored at the White House for playing an instrumental role in bringing down an ISIS leader and generally being a very good dog. Trump referred to the dog using "he" and "him" pronouns, which was maybe the least weird thing he's ever publicly done until a White House official later referred to the dog as female.
The media were briefly confused and/or gleeful, depending on how hard their outlets are allowed to make fun of Trump, but the Department of Defense confirmed that the dog was male, and everyone just kind of forgot about it.
Either some random White House official was mistaken or Trump didn't want to admit he was. It ranked somewhere between Tidying Up With Marie Kondo and Instagram's most-liked egg on the list of important events of that year.
But not to VICE, apparently. Those intrepid reporters demanded the government hand over Conan's veterinary records to confirm for themselves exactly what the dog is packing. Because violating the privacy of a war hero is just the sacrifice we make to expose the shocking news that Trump is kind of a baby about being proven wrong.
VICE received a news article reporting the dog as male in response but still wanted the truth. However, the U.S. government -- determined to be the dumber person here -- informed VICE that the records were a national security secret. The dog was wounded as a result of its bwavery, yesh it wash, but exactly how does anything on a dog's medical chart threaten national security? Did it pick up some exotic fleas? Is Conan secretly an undercover cat?
VICE subsequently filed a lawsuit for the records under the Freedom of Information Act, just the latest move in what will no doubt turn into an ever-escalating legal battle over a dog's genitals that will make for the stupidest back-and-forth arguments in history. Conan, meanwhile, is still just the best.
Manna is just constantly wrong on Twitter.
Top image: U.S. Department of Defense/Wikimedia Commons