Please Direct 'Greedo,' Taika Waititi
Dear Taika Waititi,
Congrats on getting to direct the next Star Wars film. As a massive fan of your work, I couldn't think of a better person to get the franchise back on track. Also, I was touched by you writing me that Cease and Desist letter. No one takes the time to write things personally anymore. But let's get down to business because that's what (your legal mandates aside) I'm here for. With Obi-Wan going to series and Ahsoka Tano getting featured in The Mandalorian, you're probably running out of good Star Wars stories to tell, right? Maybe they gave you some heavy-handed and politically-dense Old Republic scripts, or another Death Star to blow up. Except that the people don't need another faux-dramatic retelling of the same Star Wars premise we've been getting since the '70s with a few jokes thrown in. What they need is a full-blown comedy. What they need-o is a Greedo.
Now I know what you might be thinking. "Greedo? The guy with like nine seconds of screen time in A New Hope that Han shot? The guy with the weird fleshlight attachment for a mouth? He's the worst bounty hunter in the galaxy!" Exactly. This isn't The Mandalorian. This is if The Mandalorian starred Zapp Brannigan. This is us opening on a cantina in Tatooine and seeing Greedo leaning over a bar and muttering, "I take 'em in hot, or I take 'em in cold" before leaning too far and falling on to the other side. This is the perp then running and Greedo tripping over a blaster, accidentally firing it into a Bantha's ass, who then kicks the perp right into an open furnace. "I guess I'm taking 'em in hot," Greedo says, and then mugs to the camera with every inch of his face-flaps.
But don't think this comedy doesn't have weight, Taika. This is also the tragic tale of a luckless bounty hunter who, and this is canon, lost the love of his life to Han Solo, the man who would eventually kill him. So after a scene or two of Greedo slapsticking his way to a mid-level bounty-hunting career, we watch him meet and fall in love with beautiful Uncelta. It doesn't matter that Greedo loses out on every good bounty-hunting contract to the more competent, Boba Fett or IG-88. Greedo has the girl, and all is good ... until it isn't. Uncelta is seduced by Jabba's smuggler, Han Solo ... only for Han to hit it and quit it faster than he made the Kessel run.
We then understand why Greedo would so eagerly seek out the contact to capture Han for Jabba and why Greedo would decide to toy with his food on that fateful day. Imagine how many times he rehearsed that showdown with Han Solo. Imagine the scene right before Greedo steps into that cantina on Mos Eisley, where he paces the backlot muttering to himself over and over, "Going somewhere, Solo?" Imagine all of the pain and anger he feels as he steps across the doorway, nearly stumbles, and then spots Han Solo kicking back like he owns the place. Then comes our moment of truth. It's an Oscar-winning scene if we've ever seen one, and you're just the guy to make it happen.
But our journey doesn't end there. Greedo awakens on a Tatooine farm in the arms of a gorgeous woman. Is it Uncelta? No, it's her sister. She nurses Greedo back to health and shows him a kindness he's never known. But Greedo is still forlorn and seeks revenge, so he leaves the farm to track Han and the gang across the galaxy. He's one step behind all the major plot points of a New Hope, as we watch him tail Han from the Death Star to Yavin 4 and back again. It is Greedo who diverts the other Stromtroopers from Leia's cell. It is Greedo who crashes a TIE Fighter into Darth Vader's ship. But again, Han is given all of the credit, and Greedo arrives at Han's medal ceremony blaster in hand, and ready to finally deliver justice. But Greedo doesn't shoot. Instead, he remembers what he learned on the farm. Only love can heal one's wounds. Also, the force happens. The force tells Greedo not to kill Han Solo because Obi-Wan's ghost reveals he's Greedo's father. (Look, Disney is going to want some surprise parental connection bullshit; you know it be true.)
And so we have a happy ending to one of the greatest Star Wars Stories not yet told. It's a tragic, wholesome tale, filled with laughs and wonder, but most of all, there will be merchandise. The merchandising will be huge. Also the marketing. We'll get Michael Douglas to say, "Greedo is good-o." So Taika Waititi, your move. Also, please tell security to stop violently throwing me out of the lot.
Dan is on Twitter @realdanduddy, and he also hosts The Bachelor Zone Podcast, where you can hear him give a sports-style breakdown of all things happening on The Bachelor.
Top Image: Lucasfilm