Here's The WTF 9-Minute Trailer For 'Death Stranding' On PS4

Hideo Kojima makes nonsense for a living, but fun nonsense, like the Metal Gear Solid series. The same can be said of everything we've seen of his upcoming PS4 game Death Stranding, including the new, nearly nine-minute trailer.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Surely nine minutes is enough time to shed some light on how exactly all the cryptic sci-fi/supernatural militaristic nonsense we've seen so far comes together, right? Well, within the first ten seconds, a baby in a womb gives a thumbs up to the camera, and then we enter its mouth. We emerge, presumably out its butt, so actor Mads Mikkelsen can sing it a song. Not a strong start, if coherence is what we're after.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Next, in voiceover, a woman who doesn't seem to give a damn about subtlety states that the game is about reuniting a fractured America. How timely. Now that we know what the game is about, let's see what evidence the next eight minutes provides to back it up. Oh, and the lady is the president of the United States.

Kojima Productions/Sony Interactive EntertainmentWe know this because she's on her deathbed in the Oval Office.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

One of the tools the hero -- who is Norman Reedus from The Walking Dead -- will use to unite America is a, uh, tall telescopic ladder.

Kojima Productions/Sony Interactive EntertainmentIt's a little on the nose, but Kojima did make Snake Eater, so who are we to judge?

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

It's a Kojima game, so of course there's a militant extremist group involved. I am absolutely not kidding when I tell you that the group is called the "h**o Demens." In Latin it means "mad men," but if it wasn't already the derogatory slang term for q***r people that an 8chan Christ Warrior plastered all over Pepe memes, then it is now, and you're going to see thousands of them under Trump's Twitter replies from now on. Anyway, Norman then plugs a tube into his baby canister so he can scan for mud ghosts.

Kojima Productions/Sony Interactive EntertainmentThis experiment went off the rails real quick.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Characters keep mentioning something called BTs. No one ever explains what a BT is and how it/they relate to bringing together a fractured America. In the absence of a definition, I'm left to assume "BT" stands for one of the following three things, and only these three things: "bowel termites," "beef trains," or "bank trustees." All three make sense, given what we know about the plot, which is nothing.

The trailer ends with Mads promising one of the canister babies that he'll "show you the real thing soon." He's talking about the world and America or whatever, but given the abstract lunacy we've just witnessed, it seems like Kojima is using Mads as a proxy to tell us that all of this will make sense once we actually play the game. (Spoiler alert: It will not.)

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. And check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's Goop parody BunnyEars.com.

For more, check out 'Pokemon Sleep' Finally Makes Parenting Obsolete and Disney's Star Wars Land Is Here To Force-Choke Your Wallet.

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on Facebook. Or don't. It's your life.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

24 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

5 Screwed-Up Secrets The Ultra-Rich Don't Want You To Know

You don't make astonishing amounts of money without ending up a jerk in some way.

231

5 Billion-Dollar Industries That Treat Workers Like Garbage

Even our most popular forms of entertainment can treat their employees like absolute trash.

252

5 Underreported Dumb Annoyances Pro Athletes Put Up With

Being at the top of your game can really drag you down.

130

5 Acts Of Charity That Went Horrendously Wrong

The road to losing your tax exemption status is paved with good intentions.

108

5 Dark (But Hilarious) Times Big Tech Companies Failed Hard

Well, this is ... bleakly hilarious.

106

6 Very Stupid Questions With Very Smart Answers

No serious person would ask these questions ... but we got serious answers anyway.

134