It was but mere days ago that PepsiCo decided to jump into the dystopian marketing game by partnering up with a Russian company called StartRocket to launch a cluster of miniature low-Earth orbit satellite billboards on behalf of Adrenaline Rush, an energy drink popular in Russia. It was part of a "campaign against stereotypes and unjustified prejudices against gamers," which we kind of assumed was Mountain Dew's bailiwick the whole time.
StartRocket and Pepsi presumably looked upon the beautiful night sky while lying in a field of rolling hills and didn't see the wonder of creation, but rather an opportunity to sell caffeine sugar to Fortnite teens by way of an orbital billboard they can point to that absolves them of guilt whenever they say racist shit on a Twitch stream. Gamers are innocent. Space said so! These are the nuggets of genius being promulgated by the Don Drapers of 2019, folks.
Pepsi has since denied that they'll be carrying out this plan, presumably because it's tawdry and dumb and an affront to all that is. There's also still no word on what a space sign defending gamers would even say, but if the night sky was lit up with massive golden Cyrillic letters dutifully detailing how all gamers do not want to engage in vigorous sexual intercourse with Ms. Pac-Man ... eh, fuck it. We'd be down.
Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.
Follow us on Facebook. If you like jokes and stuff.