6 Totally Deranged Ways Fans 'Improved' Their Favorite Games
Modding video games used to be something purely for the nerds whom other nerds would beat up. But today, seemingly anyone with a computer can jump in on the action. Hey, you know who has computers these days? Psychopaths. Blathering, screeching, underwear-on-the-outside lunatics. And they love making mods! Just look at ...
"Romancing" Animals In Skyrim
Gamers love Skyrim because of how much freedom it gives them. You can explore fantastic landscapes! You can fight fearsome enemies! You can put your penis in a dragon! OK, that last one only works if you've installed the "More Nasty Critters" mod, but we're naturally assuming you have. Behold the Dragonborn pleasing a very happy death hound:
Ashal, the creator of this mod, claims to be "painfully uninterested in [bestiality]," but felt forced to do this due to popular demand. Sometimes, you have to listen to the people. It wasn't easy to make. He says he had to spend a month "watching bears give oral sex to [his] character." But thanks to his sacrifice, Skyrim fans can now enjoy awkward animations of mighty fantasy warriors getting it on with all manner of beasts, from gargoyles to werewolves to regular cows and goats. Here's a demonstration of the latter:
Ashal has updated his creation to add essential features, such as giving horse penises to the bears, or even letting you see them flaccid. Frankly, it's hard to imagine how people ever managed to play the game without those things. Hopefully, Bethesda is taking notes for Elder Scrolls VI.
Stardew Valley's Townspeople Jerk Off On Schedule
Stardew Valley is supposed to be a rough approximation of what it feels like to live in a small country town, so of course, it was only a matter of time before someone created a mod that adds regular and vigorous masturbation. What quaint village would be complete without it?
Not content with simply letting you know that the town's eligible bachelors masturbate on the regular, the mod went the extra mile and added naked sprites and custom dialogue. You don't have to leave any part of this to your imagination.
Since villagers in the game follow a specific timetable depending on the weather and the season, jerking off also follows a schedule. Thankfully, the creator included a handy guide in the mod description so players can easily track when to observe their neighbors whacking it:
One apparent flaw is that the guys are always completely naked (even during the cold, ball-shriveling months) and standing up when they do the deed, even if a bed is right beside them. They are also all surprisingly cool with a stranger walking into their house and watching them perform an intimate act without invitation. If you'd like to congratulate the mod's creator on his work, we'd stick to emails.
The Sims 4's Toddlers As Psychic Serial Killers
The Sims franchise is the granddaddy of needlessly creepy video game mods, so it's fairly impressive that fans are still finding new ways to surprise and disturb us. Take the "deadly toddlers" mod for The Sims 4, which delivers exactly what the title promises, turning your baby into an even bigger psychopath than usual.
Once you install this mod, your adorable toddler will gain the ability to pull a massive knife out of nowhere and leap on adult Sims to murder the shit out of them. To make it clear that they're doing this purely for enjoyment, the toddlers' fun meter will go up after they've killed someone, and they'll laugh and clap like they're watching some awful Disney Junior show. Also, as seen in the (age-restricted) trailer, they can also teleport and set things on fire with their minds. Just like you've always wanted!
Magical Gay Conversion In Dragon Age: Inquisition
The Dragon Age series consists of elaborate dating simulators in which you also happen to fight demons and wizards and such. So it isn't surprising that people have modded the game to let you have sex with the few characters you normally can't date. Like Dorian, a man who can only be romanced by male characters due to being magnificently gay. Honestly, it's easy to see why female players wanted to get in on this action.
The notes on the "Dorian romance for female Inquisitor" mod warn that "weird animation is unavoidable during the romance scenes," but that's probably just because it's a Bioware game. But there's a problem: Dorian's backstory is that his dad couldn't cope with the shame of having a gay son and tried to use magic to "cure" him. Obviously, it didn't take. The entire reason Dorian joins your party is that you accept him for who he is. He's putting his trust (and if you play your cards right, other things) in you.
This means that by installing this mod, you betray him, just like his father did. You've used forced gay conversion magic on him. You're a monster.
Making The Cute Little Kids In Skyrim Killable
We're back in Skyrim. You know what the worst part of this game is? The children. It's like, kids ... right? You can't live with 'em, and you're not allowed to virtually murder them.
Thankfully, heroic modders have taken it upon themselves to address this grievous oversight. Like Acobral, who acknowledges that while there may be other mods out there that allow you to wantonly murder the wee, his is the best, by golly.
This one even includes child-sized coffins and urns, in case you have trouble climaxing without witnessing tangible grief. Acrobal named his mod "Immersive Children," because it's all about making the game more realistic, you see. As he put it, "I too have a moral conscience when it comes to killing children, but immortal children is most certainly not an immersive thing." Yeah, who could possibly enjoy a game full of reanimated skeletons and giant flying lizards if the children can't die?
Letting You Impregnate Teens In The Sims
Being far too generous to humanity, the many teen pregnancy mods for The Sims 4 seem like sort of a natural extension of a family simulator. However, the mod also lets the player imprison said pregnant teenager in their house and then force her to obey your every will.
And the crazy doesn't stop there. Not only can you knock up an underage girl, but you can also install a version of the mod that lets you experience the, uh, lead-up. And the game doesn't just limit you to a tastefully implied half-drunk fumble in the upstairs bedroom at a high school party. You can marry your teen sims off to creepy old men too:
E. Reid Ross has a couple books, Nature Is The Worst: 500 Reasons You'll Never Want To Go Outside Again and Canadabis: The Canadian Weed Reader, both available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Christian Markle is a pretty cool dude. Hit him up on Facebook.
For more, check out Why Video Games Still Don't Understand Sex - Video Game Purgatory:
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