The 5 Dumbest Official Decrees People Actually Had To Make

In times of confusion, it's important for those with authority to issue clear and precise announcements so that everyone knows what exactly is going on. This rule normally applies to institutions dealing with disasters and controversial rumors, but sometimes it's also needed when a business has to reassure their customers that their laptops are not made with cat urine. That will make sense in a minute.

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5
Museum Officials To Pokemon Go Fans: Please Stop Playing In Auschwitz

Remember that weekend when half the planet was really into Pokemon Go, and the other half thought that this was a sign of civilization collapsing? The game's launch had a few technical problems, one of which was that, uh, "sensitive" locations like the National September 11 Memorial, Arlington National Cemetery, and the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park were getting tagged as Pokestops and Gyms. Thus, somber places of reflection played host to certain people staring at their phones and exclaiming "Hell yeah, I kicked that Diglett's ass!"

NianticAs prestigious as it may sound, no one should be gym leader of the Anne Frank house.

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Those oversights were soon corrected, but not before both the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum and the Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum had to explain what they had probably hoped in vain was the obvious -- namely, that it was "disrespectful" to run around a former death camp looking for a Meowth to take home as a souvenir. The Auschwitz Museum's spokesman called it "disrespectful to the memory of the victims of the German Nazi concentration and extermination camp on many levels and it is absolutely inappropriate," probably while adding "you absolute morons" under his breath.

To be fair to the vision of humanity that you'd probably like to maintain in your head, it's unclear how many people were actually running around gas chamber exhibits with dreams of catching the world's most inappropriate Weezing. But it was happening often enough that a statement had to made, so adjust your hopes for our future accordingly. In other news, a poll found that Americans have worrying gaps in their knowledge of the Holocaust, but that's probably a coincidence, right?

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4
Dell Tech Support To Consumers: The Smell In Your Computer Is Absolutely Not Cat Urine

Unless you're selling cat litter, it's generally bad marketing to have your product associated with cat urine. So Dell was understandably concerned in 2013 when buyers of their new and inconveniently named Latitude 6430u laptops complained that they smelled like Garfield after a bender. Some people used the cat urine comparison as a metaphor, but others literally thought that a cat -- theirs or otherwise -- had decided to claim the laptop as territory, possibly because they were jealous of all the cat videos being played on it.

DellOf course, a nice ammonia-rich blast of cat urine would likely leave your laptop way, way cleaner.

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When it became clear that the scent was inherent to the laptop, Dell tech support was forced to clarify that urine was not an integral part of their manufacturing process. "What we do know at this time is that this smell is absolutely not urine or any other type of biological material. The parts have been tested and we have confirmed this 100 percent. The smell is caused by a manufacturing process which has now been changed and we are confident that the issue is resolved for all new E6430u currently shipping." So there you have it. Dell unequivocally does not use piss -- cat or otherwise -- to make their laptops. And in a way, doesn't that make them more trustworthy than all the other companies that haven't stated that?

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3
UK Police To KFC Customers: Please Stop Calling Us About The Chicken Shortage

In February 2018, KFC was forced to temporarily close half of their United Kingdom stores due to a chicken supply line issue. Consumers, outraged at the thought of having to eat actual food instead of a pile of grease and future heart attacks, were unhappy. Most people limited their displeasure to social media, but one man's life was sufficiently empty to necessitate him calling emergency services and complaining, "I don't know how you feel about this, but KFC is closed and I'm entirely not happy. I have to go to Burger King now."

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The operator asked him if he was "taking the mick," because England, then hung up. The audio was used as part of a police campaign urging the public not to waste the time and effort of already-strained emergency services on "non-emergencies," which is how the police say "stupid bullshit." The KFC call may have been a prank or from a dude who was super high, but whatever his reasoning, he wasn't alone, because this was the second time the police felt the need to remind the public that the inability to clog one's aortic valves did not constitute an emergency. It was, if anything, an opportunity to turn your life around.

Twitter

Twitter“The only time we want to hear about your KFC trip is if you’re bringing us mashed potatoes and a three-piece.”

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Do Britons think that they have a legal right to diet-annihilating fast food? Because that right's only enshrined in America, baby.

2
Chicago Police To Concerned Animal Lovers: Don't Rescue Those "Neglected Dogs." They Are Coyotes With Mange

Like many cities, Chicago has coyotes living in it. Unlike many cities, in 2017, Chicago's coyotes were suffering from an infectious sarcoptic mange that left them looking like what onlookers dubbed "zombie dogs," thanks to their hair loss and vision problems. Why not "zombie coyotes," you ask? Because people thought they were stray or lost dogs in need of a helping hand.

Wildlife Emergency ServicesWhich is actually a pretty generous instinct for an animal that looks like it would get burned by holy water.

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That prompted local police to issue the official version of "Dear god, no." They advised people to avoid the infectious and potentially ornery animals, and to ensure that their pets avoided them too. It was probably just a precaution. Most people are smart enough to avoid an animal that looks like it's capable of kicking off a zombie apocalypse movie, starring the first person to touch it as patient zero. But we'd like to think that somewhere in Chicago, a man so tired of hearing his children bug him for a puppy welcomed one of those poor beasts into his home, declaring, "So you really want a puppy, huh? Here's your damn puppy!" right before it started eating furniture.

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1
Government Of Norway To High School Graduates: Please Don't Have Sex In Traffic Circles

Russefeiring, or russ, is a Norwegian tradition wherein teens about to graduate high school celebrate by partying, getting drunk, wearing wacky clothes, getting drunk, causing public disturbances, getting drunk, contemplating their transition to adulthood, and getting drunk. Russ lasts around a month and ends shortly before what must be some very hungover final exams, because Norwegian teens think prom night is a cute tradition for wimps.

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Part of the celebration involves earning russ knots for completing certain tasks, which vary from school to school but are uniform in their focus on booze, sex, and general absurdity. When you complete a challenge, you then display a relevant trophy on your outfit to prove how debauched you are. Sillier examples include wearing loaves of bread as shoes or taking down a Big Mac in two bites, while more intense classics are drinking 24 beers in 24 hours or having sex in public. And that's why Norwegian authorities had to warn students not to run naked across bridges or bone down in the middle of traffic circles. They didn't want drivers getting "too much of a surprise." Garishly painted vans driven around by students during russ already cause dozens of accidents annually, and throwing genitals into the mix wouldn't help matters.

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So in a statement with the appropriate if overtly direct title of "No to sex on roundabout," the Norwegian Public Roads Administration essentially said, "Look, we're generally chill. After all, this is Scandinavia. But come on, guys." Then they made a joke about phrasing before clarifying that they were serious. The student committee from the school that included roundabout sex on their challenge list responded with a promise to remove it and stick to regular old salaciousness, proving that teenagers who are basically getting hammered for a month straight can be as reasonable as anyone else when the police's weapon of choice is a polite memo.

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