5

Museum Officials To Pokemon Go Fans: Please Stop Playing In Auschwitz

Remember that weekend when half the planet was really into Pokemon Go, and the other half thought that this was a sign of civilization collapsing? The game's launch had a few technical problems, one of which was that, uh, "sensitive" locations like the National September 11 Memorial, Arlington National Cemetery, and the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park were getting tagged as Pokestops and Gyms. Thus, somber places of reflection played host to certain people staring at their phones and exclaiming "Hell yeah, I kicked that Diglett's ass!"

NianticAs prestigious as it may sound, no one should be gym leader of the Anne Frank house.

4

Dell Tech Support To Consumers: The Smell In Your Computer Is Absolutely Not Cat Urine

Unless you're selling cat litter, it's generally bad marketing to have your product associated with cat urine. So Dell was understandably concerned in 2013 when buyers of their new and inconveniently named Latitude 6430u laptops complained that they smelled like Garfield after a bender. Some people used the cat urine comparison as a metaphor, but others literally thought that a cat -- theirs or otherwise -- had decided to claim the laptop as territory, possibly because they were jealous of all the cat videos being played on it.

DellOf course, a nice ammonia-rich blast of cat urine would likely leave your laptop way, way cleaner.

3

UK Police To KFC Customers: Please Stop Calling Us About The Chicken Shortage

In February 2018, KFC was forced to temporarily close half of their United Kingdom stores due to a chicken supply line issue. Consumers, outraged at the thought of having to eat actual food instead of a pile of grease and future heart attacks, were unhappy. Most people limited their displeasure to social media, but one man's life was sufficiently empty to necessitate him calling emergency services and complaining, "I don't know how you feel about this, but KFC is closed and I'm entirely not happy. I have to go to Burger King now."

2

Chicago Police To Concerned Animal Lovers: Don't Rescue Those "Neglected Dogs." They Are Coyotes With Mange

Like many cities, Chicago has coyotes living in it. Unlike many cities, in 2017, Chicago's coyotes were suffering from an infectious sarcoptic mange that left them looking like what onlookers dubbed "zombie dogs," thanks to their hair loss and vision problems. Why not "zombie coyotes," you ask? Because people thought they were stray or lost dogs in need of a helping hand.

Wildlife Emergency ServicesWhich is actually a pretty generous instinct for an animal that looks like it would get burned by holy water.

1

Government Of Norway To High School Graduates: Please Don't Have Sex In Traffic Circles

Russefeiring, or russ, is a Norwegian tradition wherein teens about to graduate high school celebrate by partying, getting drunk, wearing wacky clothes, getting drunk, causing public disturbances, getting drunk, contemplating their transition to adulthood, and getting drunk. Russ lasts around a month and ends shortly before what must be some very hungover final exams, because Norwegian teens think prom night is a cute tradition for wimps.

Part of the celebration involves earning russ knots for completing certain tasks, which vary from school to school but are uniform in their focus on booze, sex, and general absurdity. When you complete a challenge, you then display a relevant trophy on your outfit to prove how debauched you are. Sillier examples include wearing loaves of bread as shoes or taking down a Big Mac in two bites, while more intense classics are drinking 24 beers in 24 hours or having sex in public. And that's why Norwegian authorities had to warn students not to run naked across bridges or bone down in the middle of traffic circles. They didn't want drivers getting "too much of a surprise." Garishly painted vans driven around by students during russ already cause dozens of accidents annually, and throwing genitals into the mix wouldn't help matters.

So in a statement with the appropriate if overtly direct title of "No to sex on roundabout," the Norwegian Public Roads Administration essentially said, "Look, we're generally chill. After all, this is Scandinavia. But come on, guys." Then they made a joke about phrasing before clarifying that they were serious. The student committee from the school that included roundabout sex on their challenge list responded with a promise to remove it and stick to regular old salaciousness, proving that teenagers who are basically getting hammered for a month straight can be as reasonable as anyone else when the police's weapon of choice is a polite memo.

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