3

UK Police To KFC Customers: Please Stop Calling Us About The Chicken Shortage

In February 2018, KFC was forced to temporarily close half of their United Kingdom stores due to a chicken supply line issue. Consumers, outraged at the thought of having to eat actual food instead of a pile of grease and future heart attacks, were unhappy. Most people limited their displeasure to social media, but one man's life was sufficiently empty to necessitate him calling emergency services and complaining, "I don't know how you feel about this, but KFC is closed and I'm entirely not happy. I have to go to Burger King now."

The operator asked him if he was "taking the mick," because England, then hung up. The audio was used as part of a police campaign urging the public not to waste the time and effort of already-strained emergency services on "non-emergencies," which is how the police say "stupid bullshit." The KFC call may have been a prank or from a dude who was super high, but whatever his reasoning, he wasn't alone, because this was the second time the police felt the need to remind the public that the inability to clog one's aortic valves did not constitute an emergency. It was, if anything, an opportunity to turn your life around.

Twitter

Twitter“The only time we want to hear about your KFC trip is if you’re bringing us mashed potatoes and a three-piece.”

2

Chicago Police To Concerned Animal Lovers: Don't Rescue Those "Neglected Dogs." They Are Coyotes With Mange

Like many cities, Chicago has coyotes living in it. Unlike many cities, in 2017, Chicago's coyotes were suffering from an infectious sarcoptic mange that left them looking like what onlookers dubbed "zombie dogs," thanks to their hair loss and vision problems. Why not "zombie coyotes," you ask? Because people thought they were stray or lost dogs in need of a helping hand.

Wildlife Emergency ServicesWhich is actually a pretty generous instinct for an animal that looks like it would get burned by holy water.

That prompted local police to issue the official version of "Dear god, no." They advised people to avoid the infectious and potentially ornery animals, and to ensure that their pets avoided them too. It was probably just a precaution. Most people are smart enough to avoid an animal that looks like it's capable of kicking off a zombie apocalypse movie, starring the first person to touch it as patient zero. But we'd like to think that somewhere in Chicago, a man so tired of hearing his children bug him for a puppy welcomed one of those poor beasts into his home, declaring, "So you really want a puppy, huh? Here's your damn puppy!" right before it started eating furniture.

1

Government Of Norway To High School Graduates: Please Don't Have Sex In Traffic Circles

Russefeiring, or russ, is a Norwegian tradition wherein teens about to graduate high school celebrate by partying, getting drunk, wearing wacky clothes, getting drunk, causing public disturbances, getting drunk, contemplating their transition to adulthood, and getting drunk. Russ lasts around a month and ends shortly before what must be some very hungover final exams, because Norwegian teens think prom night is a cute tradition for wimps.

Part of the celebration involves earning russ knots for completing certain tasks, which vary from school to school but are uniform in their focus on booze, sex, and general absurdity. When you complete a challenge, you then display a relevant trophy on your outfit to prove how debauched you are. Sillier examples include wearing loaves of bread as shoes or taking down a Big Mac in two bites, while more intense classics are drinking 24 beers in 24 hours or having sex in public. And that's why Norwegian authorities had to warn students not to run naked across bridges or bone down in the middle of traffic circles. They didn't want drivers getting "too much of a surprise." Garishly painted vans driven around by students during russ already cause dozens of accidents annually, and throwing genitals into the mix wouldn't help matters.

So in a statement with the appropriate if overtly direct title of "No to sex on roundabout," the Norwegian Public Roads Administration essentially said, "Look, we're generally chill. After all, this is Scandinavia. But come on, guys." Then they made a joke about phrasing before clarifying that they were serious. The student committee from the school that included roundabout sex on their challenge list responded with a promise to remove it and stick to regular old salaciousness, proving that teenagers who are basically getting hammered for a month straight can be as reasonable as anyone else when the police's weapon of choice is a polite memo.

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