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La La Land Proves Your Dreams Will Come True ... As Long As A Perfect Opportunity Comes Along Right After You Quit

La La Land is the latest and possibly jazziest entry in the "Emma Stone And Ryan Gosling Didn't Get Along At First But Now They're In Love" film series. The plot follows the pair as they attempt to pursue their creative dreams with nothing but determination, remarkable good looks, and unmatched raw talent. The entire message of the film centers around the notion that with a bit of perseverance and sacrifice, dreams can come true. Which, again, would be more convincing if this was a movie about extremely determined ugly people who also sucked. Instead, the movie shows us that Emma is a naturally talented actress whose abilities are simply squandered in a bunch of lousy auditions.

Although honestly, she nailed these, right? That's exactly how you say it when someone really do be trippin'.

Does she power through all the adversity and use it to grow as an actor? Not even close! After her attempt at a one-woman show doesn't bring in an audience big enough for her liking, she packs it all in and moves back with her parents. The dream is dead ... until it's revealed that one of the seven people who attended her show was a casting director who now wants her for an audition. Think that's convenient? The audition is for a strangely unique part based mainly on the actor playing it. No script, no interruptions -- just tell a story about your aunt jumping into a river, and the role of a lifetime is yours!

How did she ever have trouble getting a job?!

This is an outrageous "Find a genie in a lamp and it turns out to be Shaq" level of luck. What are the odds of something like this coming along the very moment she resigns herself to a life of sweatpants? After the long journey of determination and heartbreak, the overall message seems to be that you shouldn't worry so much about finding an agent or landing roles, since casting directors are always attending one-woman shows to scout for unknown actresses -- not for predatory sex, but for huge acting parts tailored precisely for them.

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Spider-Man's Entire Philosophy Is Based On Misinterpreting A Random, Unlikely Chain Of Events

The most quintessential thing anyone can learn from Spider-Man is that with great power comes great responsibility. It's a nice sentiment, but it's weird how many contrivances they had to go through in order to make it fit into the original Spider-Man trilogy.

It all starts when Spider-Man is starting to get comfortable with his powers. He's feeling great, as he should, but his uncle Ben tells him that he should be careful not to misuse his powers ... which is very strange, since Ben doesn't know about his superpowers at all. But whatever, Peter takes up fighting in an organization that doesn't test for spider DNA, and the event's organizer tells him he won't pay, since Peter knocks people out too fast for it to be entertaining. Conveniently, this happens at the exact same time a random criminal comes in to rob the place. Panic-stricken, the organizer asks for Peter to help, but he's too petty to bother. The robber escapes and later kills Uncle Ben, and woe, the hubris!

This is already relying on about 20 unlikely coincidences to get a pretty simple message across, but in the third movie, they retcon the story so that the robber wasn't even the guy who shot Uncle Ben in the first place. Ben was actually killed by the robber's partner, and it was an accident anyway. So Spider-Man's origin story is that he swore to always do everything he could to fight injustice because one time he didn't stop a guy from robbing a dirtbag, and in an unrelated incident, the man's friend accidentally killed someone Peter loved. We're not sure where the moral is in there, but it sure seems a lot of people are dying around this "Spider-Man" fellow. Maybe that blasted wall-crawler is a menace!

Columbia Pictures"Where's the guy who was training that Parker kid? Dead? How about the copy editor who hangs around with Parker? ALSO DEAD?! A-AM I THE LAST ONE IN THIS BLASTED OFFICE WHO ISN'T DEAD?!"

2

The Silence Of The Lambs Tells Us That Sometimes We Need To Ask The Devil For Help (If The Devil Is Also Insanely Lucky)

In The Silence Of The Lambs, Clarice Starling is tasked with catching serial killer Buffalo Bill. So, of course, she goes to a psychiatric prison to brave a gauntlet of lunatics in order to discuss the case with genius cannibal Hannibal Lecter. The whole thing seems so stupidly dangerous and unlikely that it probably started as a mean-spirited prank on a rookie investigator.

Still, Hannibal's expertise proves invaluable. Well, his expertise and the lucky fact that he already knew the serial killer they were looking for. As fate would have it, Bill even kept the head of one of his victims as a souvenir.

Orion Pictures"Hmmm … if I HAD to guess using my AMAZING PROFILING SKILLS, I'd say the killer likes red lipstick and curly hair."

So yes, Lecter was ultimately very useful in finding Buffalo Bill, but most of that success only happened because the FBI made the wild decision to ask him, a crazy murderer, for help. And even more miraculously, he happened to know the killer they wanted him to profile. And after that miracle, some poor bastard with a removable face got close enough to let him escape.

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In Willy Wonka / Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Charlie Inherits The Wonka Empire Because Of His Honesty, Virtue ... And Ludicrous Luck

Both film adaptations of Roald Dahl's classic book about candy-based manslaughter start with terrifying clown Willy Wonka hiding five golden tickets among his chocolate bars. The lucky children who find them are invited to tour the gaudy sweatshop where he makes dangerous, vaguely magical candy creations. Four of the children are cartoonish representations of sins, and the fifth is Charlie, an honest, humble, and safety-conscious boy.