The 10 Best Dark Humor Jokes from George Carlin

‘There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them’

Comments 3

Maybe you've seen a picture of Justin Timberlake eating an apple and thought, "The stars, they're just like us!" And while it's true that some celebrities have apples like us -- like we normal folk do for every single meal -- some of them might be legitimately unhinged. Here are several ludicrous incidents wherein the stars were quite decidedly not like us.

50 Cent Bullied An Autistic Airline Employee

You'd think that after owning more bullet wounds than hit albums, 50 Cent (aka Curtis James Jackson III) would be a little more judicious in his dealings with strangers. But back in 2016, as he was apparently looking for ways to stave off boredom in the Cincinnati Airport, he noticed something fishy about one of the young maintenance workers. He seemed almost high, like the kind you might get from drugs -- or as they're called on the street, reefers.

50 leapt into action! No, he didn't contact a supervisor to let them know their employee was on drugs; he got out his phone and followed the man around so he could mock him on Instagram. Hilarious, right? A drug user? At an AIRPORT!? It quickly went viral, but not in the way he was expecting.

The employee, a young man named Andrew Farrell, did his best to ignore Mr. Cent as he pointed his phone at him and lamented how "crazy" the younger generation is. He wondered aloud to his Instagram followers, "What kind of shit you think he took before he got to work today?" Sadly, this was the sort of abuse that Mr. Farrell had become accustomed to over the years. Because Mr. Farrell is not a drug addict -- he's autistic. Yes, 50 Cent was harassing and publicly humiliating a stranger because of a developmental disorder, not a drug habit.

Before our president made mocking the disabled a partisan issue, everyone agreed this was terrible. Fans were outraged, and liquor stores threatened to stop selling the faded rap star's "Effen Vodka" brand of booze.

Effen Vodka
"Effen" is, of course, a Dutch children's game about number guessing. Wait, unless 50 Cent meant it like "Fuckin' Vodka"? Oh 50, that's naughty!

As uniquely awful as this seems, it wasn't the first time Jackson did something like this. Or even the second. A few years before, he'd landed in hot water after telling someone on Twitter "Just saw your picture fool you look autistic." He ended another social media discussion by saying, "I don't want no special ed kids on my timeline follow some body else." It's all very disappointing when someone unfairly derides another's cognitive differences. Especially when that someone is the sort of person who claims bankruptcy while simultaneously posting photos of himself wallowing on a Scrooge-McDuck-sized pile of fake money. Maybe next time, try renting a conscience instead of a Rolex and a pile of money, Mr. Cent.

Both Akon And Afroman Savagely Attacked Fans On Stage

There's an unspoken (and also very spoken) rule that you don't get up on the stage when someone is performing. You can throw your panties and flowers, but hardly ever your beer, and never your throwing stars. When you violate these rules, you will get violently grabbed and thrown out on your ass. That's exactly what happened to a fan at an Akon concert, only not the way you may think.

It was between songs, and Akon seemed to be doing some light crowd work. He took his shirt off and pulled an eager fan up on stage. It wasn't a hot girl, as you'd expect a freshly shirtless singer to select. It was a nerdy guy in glasses and cargo shorts, and Akon immediately grabbed him by the dick, flung him up on his shoulders, and heaved him into the crowd. He did this not so much in a fun crowd-surfing arc, but at a low angle, directly into a pocket of girls extremely unprepared to catch a 150-pound projectile. The fan ate what most onlookers would call total shit. You can watch it here:

You're not allowed to body-slam people to near death, even if they seemed like they were asking for it, so Akon was fined $350 and sentenced to 65 hours of community service. The stars, they are not just like us.

A strangely similar but way, way less cool incident happened at an Afroman show. Afroman was on stage playing guitar when a female fan jumped up and started stumbling around with her drink. For 10 or 15 seconds, she danced behind Afroman while he ignored her. Oh my god, can you believe how crazy she was being, you guys!?

Emboldened by the club's lack of security, she started inching closer to Afroman. Oh my god, you guys, she was going to rub her butt on him! Can you believe how crazy she was being!? But then she finally did. Her butt, getting closer and closer to Afroman's, finally made contact. Afroman reacted like a mousetrap. His right hand came off the guitar strings, formed a fist, and blasted into the intruder's face.

Afroman went back to playing, disturbingly undisturbed after punching a woman out. A few seconds later, some drunk guy, presumably the disoriented girl's boyfriend, struggled onto stage. Afroman kept playing, but made it absolutely clear he would be more than happy to fuck up the second entrant into his impromptu gladiator arena. The fan's disapproving expression quickly changed to the universal gesture for "Whoa, whoa, I'm only here to get this drunk idiot home." And he did indeed have more important things to worry about, as his drunk, concussed companion was now wandering aimlessly backstage.

It was a bad way to handle a difficult situation placed upon him by a shitty person, but if the world's worst TV producer created a fight league between drunk women and guitar players twice their size, this would absolutely be the knockout highlight of the year.

Justin Bieber Abandoned His Dog, And His Backup Dancer Had To Pay For Its Surgery

Justin Bieber has a love/hate relationship with animals. He loves getting them and taking pictures with them, and he hates feeding them, taking care of them, and generally keeping them alive. Last year, C.J. Salvador, one of Bieber's dancers, gave the famously irresponsible singer a puppy. Naturally, it didn't work out so well. A routine checkup found that the puppy had severe hip dysplasia and may not be able to walk unless an $8,000 procedure was performed. Bieber didn't want to pay for this, despite that amount literally not registering as money to him, because you should never underestimate a shitty human's capacity for awfulness.

Justin Bieber
"Sorry dude, but you know how many s I can buy with that?"

Salvador mounted a scrappy fundraising effort for the puppy's surgery himself. He managed to secure over 90 donors to help Todd the dog walk again, and Bieber's animal kill count did not grow. "At least for now," Bieber added from the shadows. "At least for now."

Vince Neil Body-Slammed a Woman Because She Snubbed Him For Nicolas Cage

As the frontman for Motley Crue, Vince Neil has had many encounters with women. In fact, mathematically speaking, 17 percent of all people reading this have Neil DNA in them, or possibly just on them. But this dude ...

5 Celebrities Who Did Crazy Scummy (And Underreported) Stuff
Elektra Records

... is well into his 50s now, so you'd think he would have mellowed out some. But no. A couple of years ago in Vegas, a woman was taking a picture with Neil when she saw Nicolas Cage. She screamed, "Nicolas, I love you!" and ran for Cage, abandoning poor Neil for a younger model -- a practice he was well used to being on the other side of. Neil did what any insecure, doughy man in eyeliner would do: He grabbed her by the hair and threw her to the ground. We believe it was Archimedes who said, "Give me an innocent lady's ponytail long enough, and I can assault the world."

Cage sprung into action. He seized Neil in a wrestler's clinch and screamed into his ear, "Stop this SHIT! NOW!" Cage isn't sure what that phrase means, but it's what his agent says to him every time he attaches himself to a project.

Neil initially deflected the allegations, saying he merely "pushed past her," but when he realized the offense could land him up to six months in prison, he pleaded guilty. The story has a happy ending, though. Neil was forced to pay a $1,000 fine and agree to six months of not beating up random women for shockingly pathetic reasons. Oh, we meant a happy ending for Vince Neil, not the woman or the concept of justice in general.

Aaron Eckhart Crashed A Support Group For Grieving Parents

Aaron Eckhart, known for his portrayals of Harvey Dent and Sexy Frankenstein, needed to get deep into the emotions of a grieving father for a role. Most actors would consider what they know about sadness and then try to act sad, but Eckart knew it would take more. So he went to a support group for grieving parents and pretended his kid died.

5 Celebrities Who Did Crazy Scummy (And Underreported) Stuff
"So in this scene, I'm supposed to have half a face? Well off comes half my face, then!"

We understand every artist has their own ways of working, and maybe faking a dead kid is what he needed to do. But when Eckhart did an interview on Howard Stern's show, it seemed like he genuinely forgot other people's for-real kids died.

We learn that when it was his turn to share, Eckhart described his character and broke down in tears, and was then consoled by the group of legitimately bereaved people over the loss of his pretend movie baby. Stern, to his credit, offered Eckhart a lifeline by asking if he later felt bad about doing it. Eckhart did not take the lifeline. In fact, he burned the lifeline and scattered its ashes into the wind. He said, "you really believe that you just lost a child. You are as close to reality in that sense as possible. I don't want to be rude to people who have lost a child, but yeah, you feel right there. You feel like your character."

OK, Aaron Eckhart made the reprehensible choice to go into a room with people who had real emotional problems and made them comfort him over a fake dead kid. And he doesn't feel bad about it. But at least we got the legendary and beloved film Rabbit Hole out of it, right? We all saw and loved ... Rabbit Hole? Yeah, it was all worth it for Rabbit Hole.

Greg Tuff has a Twitter, and recommends you check out his friends at Bush Gang Gaming on YouTube. Michael Battaglino is a contributor to Be sure to check out some of his other work if you enjoyed this article.

Nic Cage has been in some crummy flicks, but he was in a pretty good one already in 2018 called Mom and Dad that's worth checking out.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more check out 20 Horrifying Things Celebrities Have Hiding In Their Past and 21 Beloved Famous People Everyone Forgets Did Awful Things.

Also follow us on Facebook, 'cause you're a superstar.

Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter

Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!

Forgot Password?