Source: NBC News
The news is like the endless, vaguely terrifying disclaimers at the end of a prescription drug commercial. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with it all while maintaining their sanity, so we've taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so).
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.