5

The Cops Can Steal Your Stuff If They Think You Bought It With Drug Money

Lisa F. Young/iStock

In 2014, burglars took $3.5 billion from law-abiding citizens. That same year, cops took $5 billion. Also from citizens. And it was all totally legal, thanks to "civil asset forfeiture," a practice which, if you own literally anything, should absolutely terrify you.

Wonkblog Burglary is decreasing simply to get away from the cops.

4

You Can Legally Own An Untraceable Assault Rifle (If You Assemble It Yourself)

Ghost Gunner

3

England's Strict Gun Control Laws Don't Apply To Antiques

National Ballistics Intelligence Service

England's gun control is pretty legendary. Most guns are straight-up banned, with any legal guns intensely regulated -- as a result, gun crime is down over 50 percent since 2003. But as it turns out, there's a real easy way to get around all those oppressive life-saving laws: Get yourself a really old gun.

See, to keep the hobbyists happy, England's gun control laws provide an exception for antique weaponry (as do U.S. laws, naturally). In England, as long as they're meant as an "ornament or curiosity," antique guns can be bought just as easily as one would buy a NERF gun. We're not talking about bayonets and stuff. These will do:

Metropolitan Police The fact that "curiosity" is a factor explains the rise in dildo-gun muggings.

Now, if you just use your 200-year-old rifle to hide a hole in your wall, that's one thing. The problem is that people are increasingly using these weapons as actual weapons. They buy the guns, get ammunition on the black market, and then comes the people-hunting. Here are some more of the 100-plus totally legal antique handguns, shotguns, rifles, and submachine guns recently seized at British crime scenes:

Metropolitan Police

Metropolitan Police Number of fedoras seized: undetermined.

2

There Are So Many Ways To Get Around The No-Fly List

M.O. Stevens/Wiki Commons

You're probably aware of the No-Fly List. Hell, you might be on the No-Fly List, whether it's because you're a terrorist (fuck you), you share a name with a terrorist (sucks to be you), or you just have a weird foreign name that scares white people even though you're a baby (fuck this world). It's a fairly effective program for keeping would-be suicide bombers out of our skies ... except for the many loopholes we simply haven't found the time over the past 15 years to close.

For instance, our laws explicitly state that all terrorists are banned from taking piloting classes in America, since the last time they did, we got several terrible Toby Keith songs out of it. And yet, if you're a U.S. citizen and you're on the List, nothing's stopping you from enrolling in any flight school you want. You could even have an arrest record related to why you're on the List, but it doesn't matter: Only foreigners are deemed too cruel for school.

Airwolfhound/Wiki Commons "Sure, I can teach you how to crash this plane into a building ... if you can name five Kardashians. Safety first."

Another issue is that the No-Fly List goes after terrorists ... but only terrorists. If you saw a movie where a crazy guy shoots a pastor and then just calmly boards an airplane while the police have a warrant out for him, you'd call bullshit -- but that's exactly what happened earlier this year. If you have a felony or outstanding warrant for anything besides terrorism, airport security won't check for it. You're more likely to be stopped for having dull scissors in your carry-on than you are for stabbing your wife or shooting up a church. That shit's bad, but as long as you don't do it in the name of Allah or because capitalism done wronged you, the TSA doesn't care.

1

Yellowstone's "Zone Of Death" Allows For Totally Legal Murder

Mike Cline/Wiki Commons

Of the 3,537,436 square miles of land that make up our humble little U.S. of A., murder is strictly verboten in 3,537,386 of them. In case you're too terrified to attempt math, that's a 50-mile difference. And those 50 miles where The Purge lasts all year long are in Yellowstone National Park, of all places. If a body kills a body comin' thro' the section of the park adorably nicknamed the "Zone Of Death," the law's currently at a loss for what to do.

Yellowstone Park Except dump the body in the volcano as an offering, so it doesn't kill the rest of us.

See, while most of Yellowstone is very much in Wyoming, there's about 50 square miles that peek out into ol' Spuds MacStatezie itself, Idaho. And according to the Sixth Amendment to the Constitution, juries must be composed of people from the "state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed." So, if you kill someone in the Zone, your jury's a bunch of Idahobags, right? Nope, because Wyoming claims Yellowstone. So, it's a Wyoming jury, right? Nope, because the murder happened in Idaho. Maybe we just throw up our hands and say fuck it? Nope, because ... actually, yes. Precisely that.

In this case, the only legal solution would be to find 12 people (plus alternates) who live in the Zone Of Death. And, despite how living in the Zone Of Death would be the most metal fucking thing ever, a grand total of zero people currently do so. ZERO. That means no jury can be formed, no trial can be held, and the murderer goes free. At least until the family of the victim drags the murderer back to the Zone and legally shoots them dead, because the Wild Goddamn West is real, and it's seven hours east of Boise.

Daniel Mayer/Wiki Commons Above: Zone Of Deathers? Zone Of Deathians?

Thankfully, nobody has tested this loophole out yet. Less thankfully, nobody seems interested in closing it before somebody does. Law professor Brian Kalt discovered the Zone Of Death in 2005 and has since continually pitched lawmakers on closing it. He's had no luck so far. The Department Of Justice thinks the whole "jurors from the correct state" thing is a minor quibble at best, because apparently Constitutional amendments don't count after the first two. One politician even claimed that checks and balances would solve the problem, which isn't how checks and balances work. He would've made just as much sense and retained as much credibility by suggesting the bears of Yellowstone be the jury.

Please don't add "legal murder" to your vacation bucket list, please. But if something happens and you do, you didn't hear it from us. Tell the cops BuzzFeed sent you.

Good thing Jason had no desire to work at BuzzFeed, because it's definitely never happening now. Hit him up with other job offers (or, even better, free money) by following him on Facebook and Twitter.

Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: To get there you'd have to cross a bridge, sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy. If you fell off, you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael, along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi, and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here, and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!

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