4

The Study About Ecstasy And Brain Damage Is ... Actually About Tons Of Meth

DEA

In 2002, a surprising study from Dr. George Ricaurte was published in Science magazine about the effects of a normal dose of ecstasy (MDMA) on primates; namely, it fucked those monkeys up backwards, causing permanent brain damage and even death. The government used studies like this as part of their campaign against ecstasy, saying that it would put holes in your brain and other scary things. A year later, however, the study was retracted, when it was discovered that instead of a normal dose of ecstasy, the primates had been injected with a metric fuckton of meth.

This wasn't an isolated problem in the lab, either; four other papers from Ricaurte related to drugs had to be retracted as well. The problem was that two vials purchased in 2000 had the wrong labels slapped on them, so the bottle that should have been labeled "MDMA" was instead labeled as "Jesse Pinkman's blood" and vice-versa.

shironosov/iStock/Getty Images
"I am the one who knocks fucks up."

3

A Mystery Plant Found On A Biological Preserve Is ... A Poop Tomato

marydan15/iStock/Getty Images

When the volcanic island of Surtsey, which was slowly being created out of lava for weeks, finally appeared in November of 1963, scientists saw a golden opportunity to study the geology and formation of plants on a newborn landmass, without any human interference. Banning almost everyone from setting foot on the island, they watched as mosses slowly encroached over the island, followed by lichen and other simple plants. So it came as quite a shock to everyone when, in the summer of 1969, a large tomato-like plant suddenly appeared out of nowhere, reportedly in the shape of Bryan Adams.

Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Canadians the world over flocked to pay homage to the Virgin Bryan.

2

Enigmatic Rock Carvings Are ... Just Graffiti

Great Yarmouth Mercury

If the obsession with Stonehenge is any indication, historians lose their minds when they discover any new historical culture stuff. This is why they collectively flipped out when, back in 2003, they discovered a large rock in Great Yarmouth, England, that had been engraved with entwined snakes, runic symbols, a dragon, and other things that clearly point to a serious love for heavy metal among ancient cultures.

Discovery Channel
"And lo, the great Sun Spirit did come forth on the morn and declare, 'Lemmy is God.'"

1

An Ancient Jerusalem Artifact ... Is Actually A New Age Healing Device

Israel Antiquities Authority

If you want to make mind-blowing discoveries about history and don't mind spending 99 percent of your time painstakingly brushing dirt off of things, then archaeology is the field for you. Some amazing discoveries are out there just waiting to be stumbled upon, sometimes literally -- such as in 2015, when a maintenance worker at an ancient Jerusalem cemetery discovered this ... whatever this is.

Israel Antiquities Authority
We're going with Autobot sex toy.

Experts were utterly baffled by this double-ended bowling pin, and spent six months (and plenty of taxpayer dollars, presumably) trying to determine the origin of the object. Without any leads left to go on, they eventually said fuck it and posted pictures of the object on Facebook, hoping that the public could give them some answers, or at least Photoshop it into some pictures with dogs in lab coats.

In a heartwarming and movie-esque twist, one of the users did in fact recognize the object and know of its origin. Less heartwarming, though, is where he had seen the object -- in an online New Age store.

Weber
Presented in German, because if we knew what New Age weirdos would pay $1,300 for,
it would just make us angry.

Yes, it seems that some hilarious or confused individual had taken the center component out of his or her Bullshit Hourglass and placed it in an archaeological site to confuse the living hell out of scientists. According to the website, the above device can apparently "harmonize against the strongest electromagnetic and geopathic radiation," whatever that means; maybe someone was trying to start an undead barbershop quartet.

Israel's Antiquities Authority put out a message about it, asking the mystery people "to whom of the dead they wished to give positive energy." We can't say for sure, but we assume that they were trying to revive the necrotic career of famous member of the tribe Adam Sandler.

Deep inside us all -- behind our political leanings, our moral codes, and our private biases -- there is a cause so colossally stupid that we surprise ourselves with how much we care. Whether it's toilet paper position, fedoras on men, or Oxford commas, we each harbor a preference so powerful we can't help but proselytize to the world. In this episode of the Cracked podcast, guest host Soren Bowie is joined by Cody Johnston, Michael Swaim, and comedian Annie Lederman to discuss the most trivial things we will argue about until the day we die. Get your tickets here!

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