This week was mostly about creeping, lurking things: police militarization, tiny women hiding in cupboards, the pits of Hell. But all we know is that we want one of those big ass cats.
"Dead Lines"? "Dead Wait"? So many wonderfully terrible pun-tastic possibilities!
What's happening between the police and the public has similarities to The Cold War: two clearly defined sides, propaganda, espionage, and the near-constant threat of violence. Absent: Ronald Reagan and breakdancing.
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"Handing out justice is not their job. We have an entire legal system in place for that very purpose."
Hold up there, judgy old timers: the 1950s demolishes every other modern decade on the teen pregnancy rate leaderboard, so it turns out you were the fuck-happy dick slingers.
"With the exception of a small spike in the 1990s, teen pregnancy has been steadily on the decline since the only form of birth control was sobriety or homosexuality."
In fact, the number of human beings currently enslaved is over double the recorded number of slaves from the transatlantic slave trade.
What if science somehow combined a serval, an African wild cat, and a regular house cat? And then registered the ensuing hellspawn as an official cat breed and you could buy one and name it Big Boy #1 and walk it like a boss?
"What are the practical advantages of owning a tiny zebra-horse or zebra-pony instead of a regular one? Who cares? Look at it!"
And that goes double for you, shady purveyors of shoes and cheap knockoff sunglasses.
Do yourself a favor: put away the hand sanitizer, stop reading garbage about vaccines, AND LET YOUR KIDS PLAY IN THE DIRT. They'll be like little filthy hippies - smarter, happier, and able to fight diseases better.
"At a sufficiently young age, children don't even have properly formed skulls, much less strong immune systems. And you're going to let them stomp around among the discarded drug needles and hookworms?"
There's always that ONE cupboard you never use that a woman could be living in.
"Think of all the things you've done in your most private moments -- the things you thought nobody would ever see. Now imagine a homeless Japanese woman had been watching it all."
Best to just keep driving - but what fun would that be?
"[T]he strip mine beneath Centralia caught fire, and...the fire is still burning...five decades later. The massive, smoldering hellblaze has opened up sinkholes, steam pits and carbon monoxide vents all over the town."
With bonus picture of Lenny Kravitz in a gigantic scarf!
"Saying that you're a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food doesn't make you sick. You're like a new movie whose title is This Movie Is in English, and its tagline is 'The actors are clearly visible.'"
These hilarious stories should have been taught in every school.
Here are a few historically important sites to which time has been more than unkind.