6

Dead Man's Fingers

Dick Culbert

Xylaria polymorpha is what happens when the characters from Plants vs. Zombies decide to put aside their differences and start boning. Appropriately known as dead man's fingers, this fungus hands down (sorry) wins the award for "most likely to crawl out of the ground and strangle your family in the middle of the night."

caspar s
Strangle if they're lucky.

Please note that, due to its fungal nature, Xylaria polymorpha feeds on dead and decaying matter, so don't turn to your buxom hiking date and be all, "Don't worry, that's just a fungus. There are no corpses here." Because you know the corpses are totally just waiting for you to say that so they can jump out at the most perfectly ironic moment.

5

Monkey Orchids

Ron Parsons via National Geographic

4

Hooker's Lips

De Agostini/Getty Images

Few things are more unnerving than a human body part just dangling from a branch in front of your face. But when said body parts are wearing goddamn makeup and making kissy faces at you, well, that's when nature is clearly just fucking with you before she sends the wolves in.

Psychotria elata is native to South American countries such as Colombia, Ecuador, Costa Rica, and Panama. However, few locals refer to it by its scientific name. Instead, they prefer to call it hooker's lips, because, well, look at it. The bright red color and pouty-lipped shape of the flowers are actually meant to attract pollinators such as hummingbirds. Apparently women wearing red lipstick in hummingbird country are in danger of choking on tiny birds mistaking their mouths for food sources.

IROZ/Wiki Commons
Rolling Stones albums are not placed near windows to save on bird-corpse disposal.

3

Bloodwood Tree

Bjorn Christian Torrissen/Wiki Commons

One day, Mother Nature decided to let Freddy Krueger design a plant. This is what we got:

Bjorn Christian Torrissen/Wiki Commons
No Hexxus in here!

Looks pretty normal, right? Ain't a tree we met yet could stand up to our ax. Hell, let's chop it down right away to show it who's boss.

John Kabubu via Biodiversity Media
"Oh god, oh god, there's so much blood!"
*slap*
"Hold it together, man! Nobody knew that tree, we'll just make it disappear!"

It bleeds! What have we done? Did ... did we just accidentally kill an Ent, and holy shit how fucked are we if we did?

That's just how Pterocarpus angolensis rolls. It's commonly known as the bloodwood tree because, well, that's exactly what you'd call it too. This curiously red-sapped plant is found in Southern Africa and also David Lynch films. Here's a dude hacking at one with a machete.

2

Jew's Ear

Svdmolen/Wiki Commons

Well, here's something you'd expect to find growing in Ted Bundy's backyard. Auricularia auricula-judae is a common black fungus found in many parts of the world. In Europe, it is commonly known as Jew's ear, because, well, that's what you'd call it too -- if you were an anti-Semite or suffering from some form of kosher pareidolia.

The unfortunate name stems from the fact that this thing usually grows on elder trees, and Judas supposedly hung himself on one. Since Judas was Jewish it didn't take too long for good ol' bigotry to show up and ask where the party's at. The Nazis used them in anti-Jewish propaganda, and they were commonly thought to be dangerous -- not because of any ill effects from actually consuming them but because of the association with Jewish people. You know, before today, we wouldn't have said mushrooms could be racist. But to paraphrase the great Ian Malcolm: "Hate finds a way."

Jean-Pol Grandmont/Wiki Commons
"They were so preoccupied with whether they could be douchebags that they didn't stop to think if they should."

1

Hydnora Africana

Carlquist, BSA via Botany.org