7 Creepy Plants That Shouldn't Exist (Part 2)

Xylaria polymorpha is what happens when the characters from Plants vs. Zombies decide to put aside their differences and start boning. Appropriately known as dead man's fingers, this fungus hands down (sorry) wins the award for "most likely to crawl out of the ground and strangle your family in the middle of the night."

caspar s
Strangle if they're lucky.

Please note that, due to its fungal nature, Xylaria polymorpha feeds on dead and decaying matter, so don't turn to your buxom hiking date and be all, "Don't worry, that's just a fungus. There are no corpses here." Because you know the corpses are totally just waiting for you to say that so they can jump out at the most perfectly ironic moment.

And now, here's a monkey ripping through space-time, about to lunge for your throat through the portal between worlds.

Or it's a flower that kind of looks like a different thing. Whatever -- we prefer the narrative of Dr. Monkiarty, arch-villain from the Primate Dimension.

Monkey orchids are found in the rainforests of Ecuador and Peru. For whatever reason, they're also known as Dracula orchids, because whoever's in charge of naming South American plants has never met a goddamn Dracula, apparently.

Dick Culbert
Based on Vlad the Impaler's lesser-known brother, Igor the Poo-Flinger.

Seriously, you saw a whole fleet of Imperial Shuttles with monkey faces and you thought "vampire"? You're fucking fired, Arturo.

No, we don't care that you have kids.

Well, you should've thought of that before you failed to come up with "Imperial Monkeyship Orchids," or whatever.

Few things are more unnerving than a human body part just dangling from a branch in front of your face. But when said body parts are wearing goddamn makeup and making kissy faces at you, well, that's when nature is clearly just fucking with you before she sends the wolves in.

Psychotria elata is native to South American countries such as Colombia, Ecuador, Costa Rica, and Panama. However, few locals refer to it by its scientific name. Instead, they prefer to call it hooker's lips, because, well, look at it. The bright red color and pouty-lipped shape of the flowers are actually meant to attract pollinators such as hummingbirds. Apparently women wearing red lipstick in hummingbird country are in danger of choking on tiny birds mistaking their mouths for food sources.

IROZ/Wiki Commons
Rolling Stones albums are not placed near windows to save on bird-corpse disposal.

One day, Mother Nature decided to let Freddy Krueger design a plant. This is what we got:

Bjorn Christian Torrissen/Wiki Commons
No Hexxus in here!

Looks pretty normal, right? Ain't a tree we met yet could stand up to our ax. Hell, let's chop it down right away to show it who's boss.

John Kabubu via Biodiversity Media
"Oh god, oh god, there's so much blood!"
*slap*
"Hold it together, man! Nobody knew that tree, we'll just make it disappear!"

It bleeds! What have we done? Did ... did we just accidentally kill an Ent, and holy shit how fucked are we if we did?

That's just how Pterocarpus angolensis rolls. It's commonly known as the bloodwood tree because, well, that's exactly what you'd call it too. This curiously red-sapped plant is found in Southern Africa and also David Lynch films. Here's a dude hacking at one with a machete.

All right, so now we know what kind of wood they used to build the lodge in The Shining.

Adding to the chestburster cred, the plant is also a shameless parasite. It doesn't have any leaves for photosynthesis, preferring instead to suck nutrients from nearby host plants, because who's going to tell it to stop? It also releases a terrible rancid odor that attracts dung beetles. It then traps them in its "jaws" until they're thoroughly coated with pollen and ready to be released. This process takes several days, during which the beetle is trapped inside that horrible-looking maw. And that's why this is Buffalo Bill's favorite flower.

Hydnora africana actually manages a few different levels of horror, depending on the angle you view it from. Here it is, looking for all the world like a sandworm fucked a cantaloupe.

Lytton John Musselman/Wiki Commons
"You have to squeeze it and feel for the sense of inescapable doom for all mankind to know it's ripe."

And here it is, looking like ...

Botany.org
Noooooooooooope.

We hate you, Nature.

Kel Zhang writes sciency stuff for Cracked when he's not trying to blow up the universe with his army of robot monkeys. Follow him on Twitter!