Cracked Round-Up: Bigger Than Jesus
47% bigger, to be precise. Take that, Lamb of God.
another edition of the Game Helpin' Squad. Next up was Bucholz, with a story of his fateful run-in with the the man in the GPS. Brockway challenged our conceptions of ninjas, while Seababy showed us why super senses would suck. Dan O'Brien ended our week in columns with a terrified review of a talking sex-bot.
|7 Real World Heists That Put Oceans 11 To Shame
We're talking about the original Oceans 11 here. The remake in and of itself is shameful.
Mostly, people just bitched about the fact that he article was 7 pages long.
|The 12 Most Insane Things You Can Buy On The Internet
Sadly, it turns out the only thing you can't buy through the Internet is a life.
"The Landwalker cannot actually walk, it really skates. But I think it is still cool....I just wish Honda can make an Aibo that you can ride on and is equipped with a gatling gun:)"
This is something we can all agree on; modern vehicles don't have nearly enough gatling guns.
|9 Inventions That Prove Leonardo Da Vinci Was A Supervillain
Wow. It turns out that episode of "Jack Of All Trades" was more accurate than we thought.
"Da Vinci had ADHD thats why he was uber clever"
That's bullshit, InSovietRussia. Most of our staffers were diagnosed with ADHD as children, and all they ever got out of it was a crippling addiction to amphetamine.
|5 Ways The World Could End (You'd Never See Coming)
The world could end at any moment for any number of reasons. The best way to live is filled with constant, unending terror.
"I'm from finland and this is pritty s**tty place. Now it's -20 celsius outside and if i were outside my balls would die. I hate this. Luckily i'm inside getting stoned. We have even stuppid letters like Ãƒï¿½Ã¯Â¿Â½Ãƒï¿½Ã‚Â¤ Ãƒï¿½Ã¯Â¿Â½Ãƒï¿½Ã‚Â¶. Never come to finland. P.S. Santaclaus isn't real. "
Good to know, Peke.
|6 Tiny Things That Have Mind-Blowing Global Impacts
Also, butterflys cause global warming.
"Look, to the planet, we are acne. It doesn't care if it's surface is ugly. Does Mars care?"
Actually, Lukeyflukey, Mars is very self-conscious about her acne.
|The 7 Most Incredible Displays Of Pointless Talents
One man's pointless talent is another man's mark of pride.
YOU YOU YOU!
|23 Situations About To Go Horribly Awry
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Grossly Unnecessary Updates to Modern Technology.l
Would it kill a fetus if she wore a bra??
She loves Jesus. He has mixed feelings about her.
I know that must be a guy, because if it was a girl, there'd be a period there....
Think you might be pregnant? Scared? Well too fucking bad, you're in China.
For shame, Cracked. Those are just kids!
Little Bo Peep Show.
This dream always starts off the same, and they always rape me.
Hello. May we please gain admittance to your elementary school?
And yet, when this kid snaps and kills his parents, they'll still blame video games.
It wasn't the outfit that caused bullies to beat up Timmy regularly. It was his ugly-ass sister.
Plan? No, we're just winging it.
Even though it was a punishment, Steve secretly loved being tarred and feathered
Well, that settles that. Clearly the chicken came first.
Free Bird! Free Bird! Free Bird!