6 Sci-Fi Movie Conventions (That Need to Die)

6

The Ship is an OSHA Nightmare

Two starships meet for battle and open fire. A photon plasma space torpedo slams into the hull. Inside, on the bridge, we watch as the whole room shakes, throwing the cast around like rag dolls. A second impact causes sparks to fly from the control panels, possibly even killing an extra.

The battered crew can only wonder why, on a ship that has technology in place to keep them from getting splattered against the rear wall when it jumps to light speed (or stops suddenly), every impact shakes their world like a kid rattling a Christmas present.

Why They Need To Stop:

We know why they do it. It's a way to add an element of danger for the main characters. That tends to get diluted if they're sitting comfortably on the bridge while the battle goes on in their view screen.

But no matter how far into the future you set your film, if the cable guy can keep our TV from exploding when lightning strikes the house, why does this futuristic spaceship have a panel blow every time anything remotely interesting happens on the ship?

And more to the point, why is the crew in an exposed spot at all? Sure, there are those ships (like most in Star Wars) that have windows, but, why do they need them? That's what view screens are for. Nobody is trying to navigate that bastard by squinting at the next planet through a dirty windshield. Look at the protruding command towers on the Star Wars Star Destroyers--at least once we see a fighter smash into their window, causing the whole damned ship to crash.

And if the bridge doesn't have windows (as it doesn't in Star Trek), then why in the hell does it need to be in some exposed spot where any random object can destroy it? Why not bury it in the middle of the ship, with layers of metal between the guys at the wheel and all of the exploding warp phaser missiles outside?

Don't tell us we're over-thinking this, damnit! That's what sci-fi is for, to make us feel smarter than people watching other movies.

5

The Futuristic Conversation Rule of Three

Two characters will be carrying on a normal conversation. One character will try to make a point by listing historical references. First, the character lists two references from the real world to set up a pattern, then tacks on a completely fictional reference that's either alien or hasn't happened yet. Like this exchange from The Wrath of Khan:

"You'll be remembered among the great scientists: Newton, Einstein, Sulak."

Sulak?

See, the first two establish the caliber of scientists we're talking about. Sure, you've never heard of the third one (Trekkies notwithstanding), but if he's on the same list as Newton and Einstein, he has to have cured cancer or something, right? It helps keep the story rooted in the real world as we know it.

"Let's play a game like Chess, or Monopoly, or Bleep Glorp. Or Jenga."

Why They Should Stop:

There's something corny about the way they always start the list off with something that happened close to the time when the show was made, rather than starting close to when the characters are supposed to live. It would be like starting off your genocidal references with the Jerusalem massacre of 1099 rather than the Holocaust.

4

The All-in-One Instant Plot Fixing Tool

The heroes are running out of time and they must do something NOW in order to save the day. All of a sudden, a space version of a Swiss Army Knife appears (e.g. Tricorder, main deflector dish, R2D2) that happens to be able to do just what is needed to save the day... quite tidily, in fact.

Even if it can't do exactly what the heroes need, it can usually be easily modified to do that exact thing, even if the thing it needs to do is completely made up. A common variation on this is the sensor that senses everything and then senses the side effects of everything else, even things the designers didn't know existed.

The writers of Dr. Who flaunt this idea with the "sonic screwdriver," creating a running joke that it can do anything the plot needs it to do.

Why They Should Stop:

Whether it's epic poetry or sci-fi, the whole fun of a dramatic adventure is watching how the characters use their courage, wits and creativity to get out of these jams. That all gets farted out the window when you realize that the little droid they've had with them the whole time has the magical power to make any machine in the galaxy do exactly what they wanted.

3

One Planet, One Culture... Except Earth

Our intrepid space explorers make contact with a new planet named Generisis III (cool planets always have numbers) and make contact with the sentient species, the Latexx Foreheadians. Assuming peaceful contact is made, the heroes will be spending a lot of time learning about the Foreheadian culture, language, religion, and all other aspects of Foreheadian life.

2

Space is an Ocean... a 2D Ocean

1

Infantry? Really?

Exciting music swells as we see our heroes gearing up for a battle. Spaceships then plummet from orbit, dropping platoons of laser armed infantry onto the battlefield. What ensues next is an epic battle, with a storm of laser fire between ranks of foot soldiers. Some battles may involve futuristic tanks or planes, others seem like a high-tech version of Braveheart.

As you can see, these highly advanced armies still move in block formations of infantry, using tactics that were considered primitive by Robert E. Lee.

Why It Needs to Stop:

Sci-fi film makers love to make their battle scenes in the style of classic war films (George Lucas modeled his X-Wing vs. Tie Fighter battles around old World War I dogfighting movies). But isn't sci-fi supposed to give us something different?

This isn't nitpicking here; it stretches credulity when the typical audience member can think of better ways to fight battles than what's going on up on the screen. Who can watch the good guys in Starship Troopers standing 10 feet away from the bugs, shooting at them ineffectually with rifles and not think of how the current U.S. Air Force would have just bombed the bugs out of existence in one afternoon?

It becomes clear that the U.S. Army, or even the French Army, could beat this highly advanced sci-fi team over their lunch break.

Yes, we realize that even today's plane vs. plane dogfights take place with the aircraft miles apart, and doing it realistically on film wouldn't be all that much fun to watch. But that's the point; your sci-fi battle shouldn't be recycling either classic war movies or modern war footage. You should be giving us something new.

Isn't that what it's all supposed to be about? It's sci-fi, guys. Stop recycling The Longest Day and give us something that will blow our minds.

Before the entirety of geekdom gets its panties in a wad, here's a peace offering: 5 Deadly Sci-Fi Gadgets You Can Build At Home. Or find out about how the military is tapping its inner nerd, in 5 Famous Sci-Fi Weapons That They're Actually Building.

And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to seem some quality Arcturian poontang.