The 5 Least Manly Sports Movies

A deadlock between Mr. Miyagi shopping for a fucking prom dress--a prom dress!--and the dancing monks in the monastery. We don't know what research the filmmakers did that would suggest that "dress-shopping and extended-dance sequences" were the two things the original Karate Kid movies desperately needed. All of the polls we took point to "more karate" and "boobs" as the best answers.

Julie: "I wish I had courage like you."

Mr. Miyagi: "I wish I had chocolate bar with almonds."

Mr. Miyagi teaches his pupil an important lesson about self defense by getting a bunch of kids to throw NERF toys at her. While it's unclear how this is supposed to teach her to fight off any but the most idiosyncratic rapist, it does provide one of the longest uninterrupted toy commercials ever inserted into a major motion picture.

If you really need to get the taste of shitty kung fu out of your mouth, (and after that clip, you'll pretty much have to), rent The Octagon with Chuck Norris from 1980. When Norris spits out the line, "That's an insult to both of us-it makes me stupid and you a whore," you'll be far too busy fist-pumping to wonder whether or not that statement actually means anything.

Apparently, Ray Kinsella, played by Kevin Costner, has daddy issues, dementia and absolutely no regard for his family's well being because he destroys his only source of income, his corn field, and constructs a baseball diamond.

Defining douche-chill moment:

The end of the film goes for the easy tug of the heartstrings when Costner's Ray ask Shoeless Joe Jackson to "have a catch" with him, then calls him "dad." That's the climax of this movie? A fucking game of catch? At least A League of Their Own had the balls to end with an inside the park home run.

Annie Kinsella: "At least he is not a book burner, you Nazi cow," or pretty much anything Amy Madigan says in the movie. Seriously, she's like a shitty-line-generating cyborg.

If you'll notice, a long, pointless speech is given, Kevin Costner looks bland and ignores the needs of his family, and no one plays baseball. Pretend this clip is just under two hours long and you've duplicated the experience of actually watching the movie.

The movie is full of one-dimensional caricatures from the man-hating lesbian sister to Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Stepin Fetchit routine. But Cruise's character is such an unlikable pussy that it's almost impossible to not get the chills every time he gesticulates wildly and screams at the top of his lungs for no apparent reason (read: every time he's on camera).

Jerry McGuire: "I love you. You ... you complete me. And I just ..."

Dorothy: "Shut up, just shut up. You had me at hello. You had me at ... hello."

(Was there any other choice?)

A fan-edited compilation of some of the biggest pussified moments of the movie, naturally set to Springsteen's douchiest song ever, "Secret Garden."

Tie: 1) When we had to add the disc to our Netflix queue. 2) When the mailman handed us the disc.

Kareem: "What in the fuck am I doing here?" (On set, presumably.)

Fuck Slam Dunk Earnest--check out this seven-minute clip of some of the greatest NBA dunks of all time featuring Dr. J, Spud Webb, Dominique Wilkins and the real Michael Jordan.