Shows About the Oscars That Aren't the Oscars
— Remember back when it was just Joan Rivers babbling her way around the red carpet and making home viewers as uncomfortable as the movie stars she was interrogating? Now every network and cable channel in the galaxy seems to have some kind of competing coverage, each of them with hosts trying to out-weirdo the others. How did you ever decide between watching Joan and Melissa' crushing ineptitude on the one night a year they actually have to work, Isaac Mizrahi fondling starlets while making catty comments and trying to not get out-gayed by co-host Ryan Seacrest, or Barbara Walter' out of focus interviews with Matthew McConaughey and Mariah Carey, both of whom have about as much to do with an Academy Award as I do? These shows were so terrible they almost-but not quite
-made the Oscars telecast itself seem interesting. Cross-Dressing Black Comedians
— Tyler Perry' Madea' Family Reunion
was the number-one film again at the box office last weekend, and has raked in over $47 million so far. First of all, who the fuck is Tyler Perry? Second of all, why in the name of Martin Lawrence do people continue flocking to see films where black male comedians put on a wig and a fat suit and play a cranky old black woman? The really shitty part is every time one of these pieces of crap opens to huge numbers, another one just like it is virtually guaranteed. Be sure to be on the lookout for
Big Momma' Nutty Family Reunion at the Barbershop, Part 6
this spring!SI Swimsuit Issue
— I think it' hilarious that in an era of Maxim, FHM, Playboy
and THE FUCKING INTERNET, people still get all worked up over a "special" sports magazine that only comes out once a year, containing a bunch of fully-covered models in swimwear. I've gotten more turned on by photographs in the maternity section of the JC Penney catalog than looking at the airbrushed, moronically un-nude bodies of the ladies of Sports Illustrated
. If you really want to see hot, half-naked chicks, I would suggest saving yourself the SI
cover price, instead heading on over to Google and typing in, "hot, half-naked chicks." Or just watch some free hardcore porn previews instead. Your call.Frat Guy Humor at the Office
— Seriously, if I get one more e-mail forwarded to me making fun of "Frat Guy Business Dudes with Striped Shirts" (and it' funny how these ALWAYS seem to come from Frat Guy Business Dudes with Striped Shirts), I'm going to set my building on fire. Making fun of frat dudes is like making fun of retarded people-it' easy and obvious and been done a million times before. Laughing at some bored office monkey' rant about his Red Bull-fueled neo-yuppie existence does not absolve you from being exactly the type of douchebag the guy is talking about. If you want good office humor, leave it to the pros-Office Space
or NBC' The Office
. Stop forwarding me your buddy' "hilarious" ruminations on his drunken, Banana Republic-clad worker-bee waste of a life. The Clothing Store Forever 21
— The store's motto says something like, "Clothes made for the young, and the young at heart." Wrong. The entire premise behind this store's concept is inherently flawed. Anyone who' ever stared into the weathered, booze-ravaged face of a 47-year-old cocktail waitress who thinks she' still "got it" knows that some people cannot be "Forever 21". In fact, some people haven't looked 21 since they were 15. You're not fooling anyone, so lose the tube top and the Uggs and go back to the Talbot' store in which we both know you belong.
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