Would I like to share a cab with you? I thought you'd never ask.
Ah, much better. Would you mind moving over a bit? Just make a little room for the blanket. There we are. Now then, can I interest you in a DVD? I've got King Kong
. Two for $20. Kong
is supposed to be spectacular, but I have a full selection of DVDs, not just ones about giant apes. Any film I have-highest quality, I assure you. Here, take a look. I'm telling you though, I can't keep Kong
for more than a few hours because they're literally flying off the blanket. It' a good deal and you should take it.
What? Yes, yes, I am that Chinese chick who sells bootleg DVDs in the subway. I guess you probably recognize me from the E or F lines. Until they start running again, though, I'm up the river. How about
The Ice Harvest
? Cusack? Billy Bob Thornton? Here, just read the package.
While you're reading that, I have to tell you, with the exception of those commuters who are sleeping late, masturbating to The View
and cracking open the most recent Netflix shipment under the guise of "working from home," this whole transit strike thing really sucks. All I hear on the radio stations is the same 30-second loop of useless information about every artery into the city being clogged like a spicy pork sausage in Dom DeLuise' aorta. The transit workers are pissed. The MTA is irate. Bloomberg thinks they're both pussies and he' walking across the Brooklyn Bridge in the freezing cold.
I see that you've put down The Ice Harvest
. You're a tough nut to crack, but I think I've got the solution: Fun with Dick & Jane
. That and Kong
for just $20.
I have to tell you, sales are so bad with the strike, I've often thought about hurling myself onto the tracks and ending it all. The only problem is, I'd probably just crack a rib or something-since there aren't any trains running. Working for the MTA is one of those jobs that I always equated with people who get paid decently to suck miserably. Their professional cousins include weathermen, meter maids and New York Knicks. I can't remember the last time that a conductor, or a station attendant gave me better service than a Metrocard machine.
And then there' the "Stand Clear of the Closing Door" guy. If I had the mic and was running one of those subway trains, you'd better believe I'd use it as my time to shine. I would hum loudly to help the homeless sleep better. When the panhandlers were walking from car to car, touting their hard luck stories, I would cough things like "Bullshit," "Fullofshit" and "Ahem, not homeless." Between end-runs, I could even walk through the cars and spray a little Lysol. That stuff goes a long way. These are the types of things I think about as I sit in subway stations all day, every day.