CRACKED Reviews: The Reviews of Nacho Libre

In Nacho Libre, Jack Black plays a charmingly roly-poly friar with a bad accent and a sick mustache who lives a secret life as a luchador. Based on that premise, is it really any surprise that the movie has a healthy peppering of fart jokes, over-the-top mugging, saucy one-liners and random "WTF" moments (e.g. a training scene when Esqueleto gets shit smeared on his face and is shot in the back with an arrow)?

What we found surprising is the ruthless beating Nacho has been getting from the critics. It only got a 37% rating on, and though it got a 6.1/10 on, user comments ranged from "racist" to "stupid, really, really stupid." Here's some of the more incendiary criticism the film has received, and what we think of the commenters.

"Slightly less funny than cancer..." -- Sean Burns, PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

Sean has learned the art of hyperbole! Congratulations, Sean. People from your city tend to be a happy bunch with a feathery sense of subtlety, and you've proven to be no exception to the rule. This headline will take on a special relevance in the likely event that someone you know dies of the disease. My guess would be with their dying breath, they'll say something along the lines of, "You know, Sean was right, this is much funnier than
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Nacho Libre!"

"If ever there were a one-trick pony, Nacho Libre is it." -- Annlee Ellingson, BOXOFFICE MAGAZINE

Oh, shut the fuck up, Annelee. OK, yes, it's by the same guys who did Napoleon Dynamite. Yes, the whole movie is pretty much one joke over and over again. But you know what? There are a couple of other one joke movies that are comedy classics (Dumb and Dumber and Anchorman) and while Nacho doesn't belong in that class, it certainly doesn't warrant the use of such a tired horse cliche. If we didn't know any better we'd say Annlee was beating a dead horse. (Obligatory zing!)

"Nacho're best movie, Mr. Black, but you do have some moves and a few laughs." -- Cherryl Dawson and Leigh Ann Palone, THEMOVIECHICKS.COM

Oh, you silly girls -- I see what you're doing here. A pun! How delightful! Too bad you are FUCKING RETARDED! If you're trying to do a "Nacho're" = "Not your" play on words, please remember that there's a very elementary difference between "you're" and "your" and that the correct version of your poorly planned pun would be "Nacho'r," which actually looks really stupid, JUST LIKE YOUR STUPID FACES.
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"I really did want to like this film, but I found it pedantic and dull. I actually dozed off in the middle, and I haven't done that since Elizabethtown." -- Kevin Carr, 7M PICTURES

Listen, Kevin — don't get all hostile and bitter just because you get paid in buttered popcorn and a comped tickets to shit-flicks like Elizabethtown. Also, don't use "pedantic" when reviewing movies like Nacho Libre. It just clues people into the fact that you're exactly the type of person who doesn't get it.

"I did not like this film's disgusting portrayal of mexicans ... I mean, what was Jack Black supposed to be? A mexican? He looks about as much like a mexican as Albert Einstein did." -- chuckdobbins, from the message board

Actually, Dobber, if you had taken that dick out of your ear while you were watching the movie, you would have caught the part where Black explains that he's only half Mexican. And there actually
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are fair-skinned Mexicans out there, ass. As another user put it, "That's interesting; I didn't know that Mexicans all look alike!!" As another user should have put it, you are not a very bright man, Chuck Dobbins.
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"This movie is fit for neither man nor beast. The film is bad enough that I must struggle to identify other films that belong in the same cesspool to which this cinematic excrement should be consigned." -- jquick1-1, user comment from

Jesus Christ, get over yourself! The author sounds like he carries around a pocket dictionary, has one of those Casio digital calculator watches, reads poetry in front of a blazing fireplace and pushes his glasses up his nose all the time. You can totally picture him going to fancy restaurants and finding faults in all of his expensive dinners, exclaiming loudly to the waiter, "This meal is fit for neither man nor beast!" just to use the phrase and get out of paying the bill.

"The humor in this second feature by Jared Hess, the director of Napoleon Dynamite, has been demoted from sophomoric to juvenile, and the age requirement for its enjoyment has dropped accordingly." -- Duane Dudek, MILWAUKEE JOURNAL SENTINEL

"Someday, Jared Hess will aspire to make a movie that goes a bit deeper than just a geeky outsider with bad hair, a funny name and an exaggerated accent. But not today." --
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Dan Fienberg, ZAP2IT.COM

There's the unlikely hero and the Mexican sidekick. There's even the same kind of delicate, Belle-and-Sebastian-esque twee soundtrack rolling along in the background, but Nacho and Napoleon are (*gasp*) not the same movie. Nacho lacks the dry, slow pacing of Napoleon, and replaces the slack-mouthed, dull-on-purpose characters with the fat, prancing Black and Carmen-Miranda-esque Jimenez. It's unfair to put down one because of the other.

On a side note, how is it that Wes Anderson's The Life Aquatic has such a huge cum-fest of fans, despite the fact that it's pretty much The Royal Tenenbaums set on a boat and without the jokes?

"Nacho's processed cheese and tortilla-thin premise are purely a refried conduit for Black... [it] would be inexcusably trashy if it weren't for the naive sincerity of its star." -- Aaron Hillis, PREMIERE MAGAZINE

Umm, was someone saying something about racism? This is like when all of those old white film critics went on and on about how King Kong was racist, but all they were really doing was demonstrating that they equate black dudes with apes.
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"Nacho Libre is the kind of awful movie that ruins your whole day." -- David Cornelius, EFILMCRITIC.COM

David Cornelius sounds like the fussy, frail man who wears wool cardigan sweaters in July, likes fancy cheeses, and always carries around a large umbrella when it's only slightly outcast. "Boo-hoo-hoo! Nacho Libre ruined my day! Somebody, call me a waaaaaaaaaah-mbulance!"

This comment actually annoyed us so much that we decided to read David's whole review, and sure enough the guy is a whining bitch throughout. Our favorite part was when David said, "the universe obviously hates us all." What is this, the mid-90s? Is he sitting in his parent's basement listening to Type-O Negative? Yeah, we're going to go ahead and guess there are some deeper issues here, Dave. Seriously. Get a puppy. Get laid. Loosen up! Jesus! People who want to feel like they're too smart for Nacho Libre shouldn't go see the movie in the first place. If however, you're a mentally sound individual with real live friends that you've met in person, give 'em a call, hide a couple Negro Modelos in your waistband and go laugh at a few (expertly timed) fart gags.

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