1. Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon Play a Flirtatious Game of One-on-One in Heaven

For some reason Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon are in heaven together.

In heaven people communicate by making funny, sexually playful faces at each other.

The sexual tension is so thick, you can cut it with a knife.

THE END

"The two best spokesmodels for our latest campaign are probably a poorly aging, vaguely tranny-ish Kevin Bacon, and a poorly aging, slightly bloated Michael Jordan. Getting Jordan makes sense because spectators like to be reminded that the athletes they're watching will one day be unattractive shadows of their former selves, willing to do anything to turn a quick buck. And, of course, getting Kevin Bacon makes sense because"¦ um, we're involved in a high stakes game of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" and need to connect the chick from Footloose to somebody in Space Jam."

2. Agent Erin E-Surance Plays Basketball Against Giant Robots in Space

For some reason, E-Surance's creatively named mascot, Erin E-Surance, is playing a game of basketball in space against a bunch of giant robots.

The robots are totally fucking her up.

Erin talks to her coach, who has just arrived from the year 1973.

He reminds her that robots are susceptible to sick crossovers

"¦and getting farted on.

The robot is so ashamed that his head falls off. Erin takes her coach from behind.

THE END

"Let's take our consistently unintelligible E-Surance ad campaign to the hardwood in order to slake March Madness fans' insatiable thirst for Japanese-style anime. Despite the fact that she's a cartoon, fans will find Erin and her pink hair sexually attractive in a Gwen Stefani kind of way. Because if there's one thing that gets fans of the Men's NCAA tournament fired up to buy some auto insurance, it's striped retro bell-bottoms, pink hair and women's basketball."

3. Hip, Youthful CBS Nightly News Promos Use Basketball Lingo to Reach the Kids

4. Lowe's Thinks Basketball Fans Are Crazy, Gene Hackman Wishes His Career Was in a Better Place

Hey, look! It's a college basketball fan. Just like you!

Man, you guys are fucking crazy.

Look at this lady. She's off her rocker. Remind you of anyone? (Hint: It's you!)

So come to Lowe's. We've got the supplies you need to paint all of the dogs in your neighborhood the color of your favorite team, you crazy bastard!

THE END

5. Dick Vitale Eats DiGiorno Pizza, Has a Terrifying Psychotic Episode

Dick Vitale eats some DiGiorno pizza, which is laced with a psychotropic. Everything around him goes hazy.

When he wakes up he is dressed up as an offensive caricature of a black guy.

A bunch of real black guys are rightly offended and come after him.

Fortunately, because he has an afro wig on, he's able to jump really high. How high, you ask? Into outer space!

THE END

College basketball fans will tolerate two hours of Vitale rambling about how Coach K's ejaculate cures cancer, so it stands to reason that they won't mind 30 seconds of him spewing incoherent bullshit about pizza. Actually, let's take this baby high concept. Here's what I'm envisioning: a bite of DiGiorno pizza sends Dick on a terrifying hallucinogenic odyssey. His psychotic episode consists of him flying through the air and dunking the ball while wearing a light-brown Afro. You know, because black guys all have Afros, and they're also good at basketball. Note: remember to ask Dick if he's opposed to blackface.