Bears 41, 49ers 10
Twelve minutes into the first quarter, with your team only trailing by ten points might seem like a good time to get up, grab another beer, and take a leak. San Francisco fans who tested that suggestion found a very different game by the time they returned from the john. Anyone leaving before the final two minutes of the first quarter missed two and, depending on the lines at the Soldier Field restrooms, possibly three, Chicago touchdowns before they returned. "What the hell?" growled one man with his face painted red and gold. "I haven't even gotten drunk yet and this game's already over!"
At the half, the Bears led 41-0. Like many fans, Chicago snuck out early to beat traffic, allowing the 49ers to play unopposed for the entire second half, during which time they put ten points on the scoreboard. Experts agreed the Niners could have scored more if San Francisco quarterback Alex Smith hadn't dropped to his knees begging for mercy immediately after every snap. "Sorry," Smith shrugged, "by that point in the game, it was just reflex."
Chiefs 35, Seahawks 28
Shortly after Larry Johnson scored his fourth touchdown of the day, seismographs around the country registered a nationwide tremor of 2.1 on the Richter scale. Leading earthquake experts dismissed the readings, theorizing they were the result of the simultaneous orgasms of everyone who has the Kansas City running back in his fantasy league.
Chargers 38, Rams 24
Shortly after LaDainian Tomlinson scored his third touchdown of the day, seismographs around the country registered a nationwide tremor of 1.8 on the Richter scale. Leading earthquake experts dismissed the readings, theorizing they were the result of the simultaneous orgasms of everyone who has the San Diego running back in his fantasy league.
In Elgin, Illinois, police reported one man who'd managed to acquire both Johnson and Tomlinson thanks to his being in a keeper league was found unconscious on the floor of his basement and is in critical but stable condition. "We can just be thankful he didn't also pull off some kind of trade for Peyton Manning," said one paramedic, "or I don't think there's anything we could have done."