Hello friend, and welcome to the Future or Past!
If you are reading this in the future, odds are good you have been plucked out of your own era and dropped into an advanced civilization which has mastered the science of time travel. It is also possible that you have been frozen, mummified, irradiated or otherwise immobilized for some period of time, only to be revived by a brilliant-but-iconoclastic graduate student's unauthorized experiment or a sandwich-toting security guard's careless dereliction of duty regarding the red button he' not supposed to press.
If you have traveled into the past, contravening all known physical laws of the universe, you are most likely well acquainted with time travel technology (you may, indeed, have invented it, Doc Brown) and should discard or recycle this obsolete document immediately after reading, lest it be happened upon by some inscrutable character who then grows obscenely wealthy by using our pithy, sarcastic how-to guide to gain international fame years before we can ever publish it on CRACKED.com.
First, check your attire.
If you have arrived dressed in clothing that resembles your own wardrobe, but is unusually colorful and constructed of cheap, non-standard materials, it is safe to assume that you have arrived in the future by magical, fantastic or otherwise scientifically untenable means at the convenience of popular entertainment. It is extremely likely that you are a famous person, or will be/have been recognized as one at some point after your death.
If you arrive nude, youngish and attractive, you have probably traveled into the past via technology native to your own time period. You should expect to be clothed almost immediately, charged with a mission of earth-shattering importance, confused by temporary amnesia and/or thrust into a wild cosmic adventure beyond all comprehension.
If you have arrived in the future wearing a familiar outfit that has become smelly, rumpled and stained, or are naked and thoroughly unsightly, you have simply passed out after excessive indulgence in your chemically assisted "hobbies" and a large period of time has passed by without your knowing. Depending on your particular circumstances, you may be unemployed, homeless or pregnant.
Your Responsibilities in The Future
If you are famous, you will be expected to perform the following duties:
- Quote popular maxims attributed to your person on a regular basis
- Express shock and amazement at the miracles of modern technology, even if such technology is in fact based upon your own work
- Be loveable despite being best known for prodigious rape and murder
- Develop a near-obsessive affection for some pointless ephemeron of the period visited, such as televised wrestling, velcro or cheese doodles
If you are not famous, you may be expected to:
-Cause a global pandemic by carrying some long-vanquished virus through the time portal
- Create widespread laughter by being of odd race and obviously unfamiliar with local customs
- Die at the callous hands of an uncaring dystopian bureaucracy