Orientation for The Time-Warped
Hello friend, and welcome to the Future or Past!
If you are reading this in the future, odds are good you have been plucked out of your own era and dropped into an advanced civilization which has mastered the science of time travel. It is also possible that you have been frozen, mummified, irradiated or otherwise immobilized for some period of time, only to be revived by a brilliant-but-iconoclastic graduate student's unauthorized experiment or a sandwich-toting security guard's careless dereliction of duty regarding the red button he' not supposed to press.
If you have traveled into the past, contravening all known physical laws of the universe, you are most likely well acquainted with time travel technology (you may, indeed, have invented it, Doc Brown) and should discard or recycle this obsolete document immediately after reading, lest it be happened upon by some inscrutable character who then grows obscenely wealthy by using our pithy, sarcastic how-to guide to gain international fame years before we can ever publish it on CRACKED.com.
Getting Your Bearings
First, check your attire.
Your Responsibilities in The Future
If you are famous, you will be expected to perform the following duties:
- Express shock and amazement at the miracles of modern technology, even if such technology is in fact based upon your own work
- Be loveable despite being best known for prodigious rape and murder
- Develop a near-obsessive affection for some pointless ephemeron of the period visited, such as televised wrestling, velcro or cheese doodles
If you are not famous, you may be expected to:
- Create widespread laughter by being of odd race and obviously unfamiliar with local customs
- Die at the callous hands of an uncaring dystopian bureaucracy
Your Responsibilities in The Past
If you are a misunderstood loner whose intentions are ultimately altruistic:
- Romance a beautiful actress who is way out of your league despite the fact that, let' face it, she' old enough to be your grandmother.
If you are evil, you may be expected to:
If you determine that your "time travel" has spanned one week or less:
Psychological Tips for Re-Entry