Gene Shalit is all man
. This moustache is real, America. Tug on it. See for yourselves. You think Gyllenhaal can grow one like this? I have more hair on my face than he has on his entire groin
. And you can take that to the bank.
Let me clarify that when I called Gyllenhaal' character a "sexual predator,"
I actually meant it as a compliment. I know several sexual predators and they're great guys. They're the kind of guys who are the life of a party. They grow handlebar moustaches, have afros, wear bowties and make unwelcome sexual advances toward NBC interns.
So to you, the people at GLAAD: I'm insulted that you misconstrued what I wrote and concluded that I was against people preying sexually on others. Perhaps before we point fingers, we could stand to take a good look at ourselves?
Finally, how dare you, America? I was reviewing movies when Roger Ebert was a little butterball munching on doughnuts back in elementary school. Who cares if I don't like gay guys? (For the record, I don't not like them. I'm just saying. What? No, seriously. I love fags. I mean, I don't love them love them. I could probably have a beer with them, I guess.)
But say I didn't like guys having sex with each other. Big deal. I'm not intolerant and outdated. MÃ©nage-a-trois? I've had mÃ©nage-a-vingt-cinq. That' me with 25 women for all of you who don't speak French. That' right. Shalit' been with 25 ladies all at once.