I set a tree on fire in Central Park today.
I walked into the tallest building I could find and asked to see the most important person in the building. I reasoned that the most important person in the tallest building in the biggest city in the world must be the most important person on Earth. They didn't let me see the most important person on Earth because I was covered in blood and mustard. I guess all important people are allergic to mustard.
I saw a beggar. He asked for change. I asked for advice. Nothing. We saw a man get out of a really nice car, and figured he had both, so we dragged him into an alley. He didn't have change, only dollar bills, and when he tried to give us advice, we ended up more confused than before. The beggar wanted to kill him, but I said that he didn't deserve it, so we let him go to his meeting.
I walked to Central Park. A tree was on fire. "That' weird," I thought. I walked closer. A fireman asked me if I had seen how it started. I looked around and pointed to the first person I saw with really nice shoes. "Him," I declared. "HIM!!!" They directed the hose at him, and I ran off screaming.
While my collection is not yet complete, it's time to head home for Thanksgiving, so I figured it's time. When I got back to my sewer, they were all there: the Paris Hiltons, the street vendor, the important people, and a few others. "Why?!?" I demanded to know. "Why are you trying to kill me?!?" They were groggy and unresponsive to my interrogation, so I beat them all to death with a trash can and slept in the first unlocked car I could find.
I hope mom doesn't use celery in her stuffing this year. I hate celery.
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