How To Enjoy the Impending Apocalypse

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently announced that state scientists succeeded in enriching uranium, allegedly for providing energy. Sane members of the international community know that that's like Tara Reid alleging she'd only use her Ashton Kutcher penis for a washcloth hook. In other words: we're in serious trouble. But fear not, soon-to-be-dead reader, we've come up with a few simple ways that you can have some fun during the upcoming catastrophe. After all, who ever said that the apocalypse had to be a downer?

	Wear 3D Glasses Thanks to landmark documentary True Lies, most Americans know that looking directly at a nuclear blast can permanently blind them. If you don't have Jamie Lee Curtis nearby to help you shield your face from the blast, you're going to need something else. A lead blanket? Only if you're a square! Instead, try some 3D glasses (the paper ones that cover your eyes with space-aged blue and red plastic, not the plastic ones from the Michael Jackson movie at Epcot). Once you've located the 3D glasses in the back of your childhood closet, you can probably look directly at a nuclear blast without risking too much bodily harm. And here's the best part: you'll be able to brag to any of your surviving friends that you witnessed the downfall of America in 3D! Sweet!
	Make Some Toast Are you ever sitting around the house with five or six loaves of white bread, and you're all "Damn, I wish I could toast all this bread!"? Sure you are-it happens to everyone. But when the nuclear holocaust arrives, you won't have to toast all those pieces of bread two at a time for hours on end; it'll be toast time, baby! Just round up ten or twelve children and/or easily-confused old folks and give 'em each a handful of bread to hold above their head when the shockwave hit. Worried about having too much toast? Well, you'll have plenty of time to worry about all that toast as America tries to rebuild itself using what's left of its population and resources. One of the most important of those resources? You guessed it-toast.
	Stay Positive A lot of naysayers will say to you, "Nay! Nay!" Just kidding. Ha ha. No one would say that. But what they will say is probably something like, "Hey, get inside! The radiation will kill you!" Well, screw them for trying to rain on your toast-making parade. Just tell those squares that the nuclear holocaust can be a dope of fun, too. A response of "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" should get the message across. Besides, they're probably just jealous of all that toast.
	Use Cannibalism Only as a Last Resort Most people, when confronted with the fact that life as they know it is over, will probably want to start eating each other right off the bat. Sure, it sounds like a good idea, but is it really? The answer is yes, but only as a last resort. For example, if you start chowing down on your young women, who's going to help you repopulate the Earth? Not grandpa, that's for sure. You could probably have sex with him; that might be "fun" after a few years without human contact, but you're not going to get any babies out of it. Everyone plays a vital role, and therefore should not be eaten. That said, you should eat anyone who you think doesn't play a vital role.
	Swear Allegiance to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad If you took a survey of the top three people on the globe who shouldn't have access to a nuclear bomb-or even the technology required to whip one together in a jiffy-the list would probably read something like this: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Emeril Lagasse and the President of Iran with the Funny Name. While America, however slightly, is restrained by "morals," the only thing holding Iran back from bombing us back to the pre-cable age is time. And they've got that. So the best way to have the most fun during the nuclear holocaust is to swear your allegiance, loudly and proudly, to this man. After all, what's more fun than not getting executed by the government of the new United States of Iranica? Well, besides watching a big explosion with 3D glasses?

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