The Total Shithead"s Guide to Finance

We've all seen the "Complete Idiot's Guide" series of how-to books. But what if you're more than just an idiot? What if you, or someone you know, is in Dave Coulier territory and is a total fucking shithead? And what if, on top of that, he needs some sound financial advice? That's where we come in and whip the poor bastard into financial shape.

Listen up, cockmouth! Wipe your boyfriend' semen offa your gaddamned chin and snap to it! I'm about to teach your retarded ass some motherfucking finance!

There' literally no way you have any fucking clue what an IPO is, right? Thought so, fuckstick. That' probably because you spent most of high school jacking it to Lisa Simpson and huffing paint thinner in the garage before your whore mom got home from her job at the daycare center. Well, shithead, an IPO is an "Initial Public Offering" of a company' stock. Don't tell me you don't know what stock is. Jesus H. Christ.

Which do you think is smaller: your brain or your rod? I bet the jury' still out, huh, Sally? You make me want to puke blood, you sorry son of a bitch. Stock is a corporation' ownership element, usually divided into shares and represented by transferable certificates. That went right over your fat, misshapen head, didn't it? Let' try it in terms a halfwit moron like you would understand: Your stock has gone way down since everyone saw that video of you blowing your dog on YouTube. Make sense now, you rotten coward fuck?

Not that you'll ever have any money of your own, or even work for a company that has any (because lazy plus dumb equals a one-way ticket to Shittown), but a balance sheet is the record of a company' or individual' assets, liabilities and equity. For you, a balance sheet would be a great way to keep track of how many other brainless pantywastes' cocks you've sucked, how much paint thinner' left in your parents' garage (you probably still live there, asshole) and how many times you're gonna cry like a little fucking baby girl while you struggle to comprehend this book. Fag.

You're an ignorant prick. Fuck off.

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