17 Times Steven Seagal’s Hair Dye May Have Seeped Into His Brain

With a history of violence and sexual assault allegations, it would be wrong to wish Steven Seagal a happy birthday. But since he was born on April 10, 1952, and birthdays are a day of reflection, allow us to review all the times Seagal has sucked as hard as Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and Exit Wounds. 

Cheers to maybe turning it around in your 71st year, big guy. (And please don’t throw me into a pond.) 

The time he tried to entirely change the ending of The Glimmer Man by ad-libbing:

When he claimed to be a NAVY Seal despite not being able to read a map or compass:

The time he literally shit himself:

When he stormed off set and walked right into a lake:

His reality show about being a cop:

The time he slammed John Leguizamo into a wall:

The time he marveled at his own writing skills:

The time he said his knowledge of karate could bestow peace upon the world:

His infamous SNL appearance:

Which Bob Odenkirk has a story about:

Dana Carvey has a story about it too:

The accent he’s adopted while kissing up to Putin:

The way he handles produce:

His, uh, guitar skills:

The time he threw an interviewer into a pond:

How he chooses to wield a knife in this scene:

And finally, his MMA moves — or lack thereof: