If you're like us, you probably have no desire to learn about every jackass who's been inside Kim Kardashian. That said, one of these jackasses, famed sex partner Ray J, has recently released a new single called "I Hit It First."
The song is clearly about Kim:
See that? That's the spitting-image actress in the music video, which we're actually pretty sure will be used as evidence in a future courtroom trial. See, while the song itself is pretty innocuous as far as rap star boasts go, the accompanying video appears to be a high budget serial killer memoir.
We'll take you through it.
Like pretty much every music video, the structure is a loose narrative of events intercut with scenes of the artist performing his song in various places where one doesn't normally do that. In Mr. J's case, that appears to be overlooking some kind of unnatural half-rural stretch where giant, out-of-focus naked women are painted atop cold steel temples that exist every few miles -- so we're guessing Los Angeles.
Or any Japanese city.
With this, we watch Ray J proudly checking his reflection before leaving what appears to be a one-night stand and getting into his ridiculous vehicle.
It should be illegal to drive that car without an electric blue clown wig.
This horseshit continues to prevail as we watch Ray sing about "blowin' on OG" while he cruises in his fancy TRON car and hops up and down in front of a rented jet. It's only about a minute in that the first red flag pops up, when we are introduced to what appears to be an R2-D2-rendered hologram version of Kim Kardashian.
Ray stares creepily at his AI sex woman as she sits by his side on the plane, which then takes off into what can only be described as oblivion.
Of course she has her pilot's license. Don't be sexist.
After that, the video continues as if we're supposed to not find it weird that he just materialized or possibly hallucinated his ex-girlfriend before flying into the set of The Lawnmower Man.
And while it appears like it's all back on track, you can't help but notice that he's been essentially talking to himself on what appears to be a ledge in the middle of nowhere for most of the video. The crazy pointing and gestures don't help either ...
There is a 0 percent chance he has pants on in either picture.
... nor does the now ominous cuts to him on a bed giving the fuck-eye to what we now know is an imaginary person.
At this point it's not unlike that moment in a blind date when you notice a copy of Shotgun News resting on their toilet and are forced to consider your own mortality.
And right before we can chalk it up to our own imagination, the whole ordeal goes Chuck Manson at around the two-minute mark when this happens:
We don't know where he is, but wherever it is, there's apparently a giant blue shrine of his lost lover there that he likes to dance with when he's not standing in the darkness and grinning silently.
The sunglasses presumably worn to keep track of the visions in his eyes.
Before we have to question it, at 2:20 the song breaks into a flat-out beg as Ray directly addresses the camera for the first time, going right for the stalker gold as he lists off exactly what he'd do if she'd come back to him, which includes going in a Jacuzzi and making another "movie."
This man is an auteur.
While the former probably had more to do with the limited range of what rhymes with the latter, the latter is way more ominous when sung from the hulking wall stance that he appears to be engaged in the entire time.
By the final chorus, you don't even want to look anymore as he smiles on his weird outdoor perch while gazing off into what is now most likely a backyard.
The whole spectacle winds down with a series of terrifying video camera POV shots of his sex slave, topped off with Ray watching the real Kim Kardashian on TV while in his best about-to-masturbate pose.
As if the whole thing had actually existed in this single breaking moment inside his own psyche, Ray J makes one final turn to the camera ...
... and effectively signs his own restraining order in a single, horrifying glance. It's like the end of "Thriller," but with rapists instead of werewolves.