Just like Demi Moore's whip-it binge, it's Ashton Kutcher's fault that Americans expect direct interaction with celebrities on Twitter. Until @aplusk tweeted support for a child-molester enabler and had to turn over his Twitter account to suits, he included his millions of followers in nearly every stupid fucking moment of his existence. Before long, every housebound yo-yo in Missouri felt entitled to be a part of their famous Twitter pals' lives. That cocky attitude has spilled directly into the feeds of our presidential candidates.
Some people truly believe that Obama is furiously scrolling though Twitter while he crisscrosses the country in Air Force One. And that Romney, gliding thousands of leagues under the ocean's surface in his shark-shaped luxury submarine named AquaMitt, actually has Wi-Fi down there.
Many of their ranks are made up of the charmingly naive. Here are the six types of people who Tweet at the presidential candidates ...
#6. The Totally Confused
You heard the people, Mr. President. Stop jamming tweets down their throats like all the other throat-jamming things you won't stop jamming down throats!
#5. The Information Seekers
Because why spend hours Googling information at your local public library when you could just ask your question directly to the president?
And if you don't respond here, Faith will be forced to escalate this all the way to Google+.
Just saying you want to favorite the tweet is more than enough, Dale. You should probably go lie down for a while now.
#4. The Shit Starter
President Negro, direct your attention from the Syrian crisis and defend your Twitter-honor, sir!
Indeed. This is an election, not a dick sitting.
Why is Brandon tweeting at Obama when he is at Romney's house? He should ask Mitt when the polls are opened for the people to vote and get back to John Barnhart.
This must hurt, but the Romney campaign knew going in that securing the Pooder Vote was a long shot.
#3. The Personal Requester
Any quote for SatanicSurgeon's school paper will do, Mr. Romney. So long as it's a good one and not one of the shitty ones.
No reply for Bryan? The guy's got a story! Certainly involving blood and a ferret.
Yes, Mitt, you definitely should tweet at this former frat president who runs a website telling drunk kids where to avoid cops around Columbia, South Carolina.
#2. The Voice of Reason
In fact, we'd go so far as to say that someone should have already done this ages ago.
She has a good point. And you have to admit, it's quite rare that someone on Twitter has any sort of point at all.
#1. Tami Stainfield
Because some crazy just deserves a category all its own, we'd like to introduce you to Tami Stainfield, "No Party" candidate for president of the United States. This is her discussing the platform she's running on, which is, of course, something about the government illegally tapping into your brain.
That was fun, right? Almost as much fun as you'll have trying to decipher the meaning of this tweet ...