Considering that Americans are statistically more likely to believe in ghosts than they are to be able to locate Ohio and New York on a map, we shouldn't be that surprised to suddenly find ourselves hip-deep in ghost hunting reality television shows. Drunken late-night trespassing is now officially a lucrative enterprise, which has predictably resulted in assaults, arrests, and criminal property damage, because ghosts do not actually exist.
#5. A Group Searches for Ghosts, Finds a Pissed-Off Neighbor Instead
Recently, a group of plucky paranormal investigators, presumably armed with traditional ghost hunting equipment like cans of JOOSE and iPhone 5s, traveled down to a haunted tunnel in Tennessee to prove the existence of the supernatural by attempting to photograph auditory hallucinations or whatever. Such was their tenacity that Brandi Lea Amey, a local who lives not far from the tourist-trapping spirit pipe, rushed onto the scene and chased the teens away with a Red Rider BB gun.
The tunnel is such a hotspot for hopeful ghost sightings that Amey claims it is a safety hazard, which is probably true, considering "haunted tunnel hotspot" is another way of saying "people routinely get out of their cars and stand in the road in the middle of the night." Amey had simply seen yet another set of headlights attached to a car playing terrible music pull up next to her house and decided that was the last straw. This makes us wonder if the crazy murderous hillbillies you see in horror movies are just regular people tired of drunk-ass teenagers bombing around on their property looking for haunted tractors and stuff.
#4. A Health Department Employee Hires Ghost Hunters to Bug the Public Building She Works At
A health department employee in Montana suspected that the building she worked in might be haunted, which is a thought most of us have probably had at least once in our lives. However, rather than dismissing it immediately, she decided to hire a team of paranormal investigators to come install a ghost-detecting camera without notifying management or her co-workers. To recap, she secretly had a camera installed in a government building to look for ghosts.
"Damn, we should have said that." -NSA
The camera was discovered and she was only reprimanded, so no future federal prison guards will be setting up cameras to try and catch her ghost on film.
#3. Spooky Basement Haunted by Ghost That Was Apparently a Huge Portal Fan
Amateur paranormal expert Jim Pace recently dazzled local news correspondents in Oklahoma by taking them down into the basement of an old jewelry store to capture extensive footage of crumbling fiberglass insulation. By far the most compelling evidence he brings to our attention is this ghostly message they discovered scrawled on a chalkboard:
Yeah, the cake's not the only thing.
"The cake is a lie," Pace assures us, is a historical reference meaning "the promised reward never happened." Apparently, some moaning spirit angrily slashed that message onto the chalkboard to express its bitter regret over having died before dessert was served. However, a basic Google search will tell you that "the cake is a lie" is actually a reference to the popular video game Portal, a fact we are amazed no intern in that news station managed to point out. Despite the fact that Pace and his team have made over 30 unsupervised trips into this abandoned building themselves, it somehow never occurred to him that obnoxious teenagers might be doing the same thing.
#2. "Spiritual Contact" on a Hotel Ghost Tour Is Just a Guy Hiding in the Attic
Self-professed psychic medium Chris Date (who hilariously calls himself the Knight Guider) recently led a paying group of customers on a ghost hunt through a supposedly haunted hotel, where he proceeded to make contact with a phantom spirit through a series of knocks on the hotel ceiling, because ghosts do that in movies, right?
A few of his suspicious guests waited around after the tour to see if anyone climbed down from the roof of the attic, and to the surprise of absolutely nobody on the planet, someone totally did. The man denied responsibility for the spooktacular knocks, and the Knight Guider himself jumped in his car and drove away before he could be questioned, because he needed time to come up with a response other than just an incoherent string of nervous stuttering.
Knight Guider. A shadowy flight into the douchey world of a man whose powers do not exist.
#1. Ghost Hunters Get Super High and Burn Historic Mansion to the Ground
The stern, Amityville Horror-esque facade of the LeBeau Plantation House in Louisiana has been an alleged hotspot of paranormal activity ever since it was abandoned 60 years ago by responsible owners who could chase aspiring ghost hunters off of the property. Recently, a group of seven such individuals decided to camp out in the plantation and try their best to contact the spirit world by smoking all of the weed in New Orleans (citation needed).
Incidentally, these seven gentlemen will compete on the next season of Guess Who Shoplifted the Metallica CD.
When they failed to receive a transmission from the realm of the phantasms, the intrepid truth-seekers decided to burn the plantation to the ground, presumably because they figured that would provoke the ghosts into revealing themselves. (Although, considering that the ghosts are supposedly those of former slaves, convincing seven chucklefucks to burn down that plantation house might've actually been part of the haunting.)