Most criminals have seen enough CSI to know when they're going to get caught. Nonetheless, they often feel like they owe it to themselves to hazard an escape despite the comically low odds of success. Sometimes this risk is worth it. And other times, these escape attempts are so damn embarrassing that surrendering oneself to authorities while wearing crying hobo clown makeup would be the more dignified option.
#5. Man Goes on a High-Speed Police Chase (on a Moped)
After being spotted driving on a suspended license and approached by the police, James Phillips of Bristol, England, panicked and put some pedal to the metal. Or, to be more precise, put the handle-thingamajig-of-his-moped to the metal, because that's what the dude was driving: an effete 30-mile-per-hour insult to motorized vehicles. And because the suburbs of Bristol apparently don't see a lot of action, this chase somehow warranted four police cars and a helicopter.
Bristol Crown Court
At one point they are all outrun by a grandma on a Rascal.
The most adrenaline-filled moment of the thrilling video of the chase is when a random guy standing in the street tries to take a swipe at Phillips, but misses just barely.
Bristol Crown Court
He knew nothing of the chase. He just really fucking hates mopeds.
The chase ended two minutes later when Phillips simply pulled over and surrendered, presumably out of pure fucking tedium.
#4. Convict Attempts to Flee on Canoe (Without a Paddle)
For a while, Frederick Neil Rushing of Savannah, Georgia, had a pretty good thing going: He had successfully escaped from Georgia Coastal Transitional Center and set up camp in a cozy spot in the woods. That's when his jerk neighbors pointed out to police officers that there was a creepy guy living in said woods and they went after him. Fortunately, Rushing had a canoe and made it into the water. Unfortunately, he didn't bring a paddle.
"Suspect is currently heading up toward Schitz Creek; units stand by."
If the image of an escaped convict paddling a canoe with his arms wasn't already wonderful, the police found him not too far off hiding underneath the canoe after becoming fatigued. Someone please give this man a reality show.
#3. Arrested Man Tries to Escape on Little Girl's Bicycle
New Mexico resident Manuel Munoz was being taken into custody for burglary when he decided he'd much rather go home and bailed on the cops. How, you ask? By taking a page from Mikey's brother in The Goonies and sitting aboard a little girl's bicycle (because this plan worked out so well for that guy). Even though the bike was in all likelihood pink and covered in glitter, the 32-year-old criminal somehow failed to pass for an innocent girl riding around in the neighborhood and was spotted right away.
Roswell Police Department
If only he had shaved that morning ...
The officers caught up with him shortly after his brilliant escape, only delayed by the time it took them to stop convulsing from laughter at the sight of this silly motherfucker.
#2. Man Swims for Seven Hours to Evade Police, Doesn't
John Michael White of San Diego, California, was about to be arrested on drug charges when he figured out the perfect way to avoid detention, possibly forever: just going into the water. With the police on his back, White ran into the ocean and swam a total of 2.5 miles in the middle of the night, under the impression that life is exactly like Grand Theft Auto, in that cops can't swim and simply vanish if you venture out far enough.
"I'm just waiting for my wanted level to go down."
The alleged drug dealer spent seven hours swimming back and forth and yelling threats at the police before being apprehended by a crack dive team at 5 a.m. So he was wrong, life isn't a video game -- it's a bad episode of Baywatch Nights.
#1. Half-Naked Lady Tries to Escape on Toy Truck
Jamie Craft of Jonesboro, Arkansas, was taking part in an afternoon drunken joyride when she crashed her Grand Am into the side of a mobile home. Lucid enough to know that the cops would be on their way, and with her car somewhat indisposed, she hijacked someone's truck and took off. Oh, here's the truck she jumped into, by the way:
"Goddamn Hybrids ... no leg room ..."
Yup, when cops arrived to the scene, Craft was trying to flee in a kid's power-wheels car. She was also not wearing pants, and upon being caught, scored a .217 on the blood alcohol content test. Let this be a cautionary tale to all you kids out there: Always wear pants.