In case you don't follow the mainstream news media, basically the last few weeks have been one big cloud of scandals, involving pretty much every branch of the U.S. government. But while depressing stories about the IRS and NSA have dominated headlines, all sorts of other, far more hilarious scandals have slipped under the radar. While nobody was watching ...
#4. Vladimir Putin Stole a Super Bowl Ring
Back in 2005, the owner of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft, met with Vladimir Putin in St. Petersburg. When Kraft left that meeting, his latest Super Bowl ring was missing from his hand. When asked about it later, he said that he gave Putin the ring to show his respect for the president and the Russian people. What an extraordinarily kind gesture!
Alexander Nikolayev / AFP / Getty
He's just one Stanley Cup away from the classiest night of vodka in history.
Except last week, Kraft's story changed. What really happened was that Kraft showed Putin the ring, Putin slipped it into his pocket, and three of Putin's bodyguards walked him out of the room. No, really -- there are photos of Putin just ... totally stealing the ring. A baffled Kraft quickly called the White House, only to hear that he should play along with it ... to make America look good. And Putin's reaction? Feigned confusion, calling Kraft's comments "weird."
Or maybe Putin just got confused, and the ring is still in his closet somewhere? Perhaps we'll never know why the ring was ...
Dmitry Kostyukov / AFP / Getty
... Putin his pocket. YEAAAAAH.
#3. M. Night Shyamalan Claims Credit for the 1999 Film She's All That
She's All That was a 1999 movie with a premise that we've heard more times than Freaky Friday's: the jock turns the "ugly" girl into a gorgeous prom queen. Out of the blue, M. Night Shyamalan recently came out and said that he was actually the guy who wrote it, and that his name isn't credited because he was hired as a ghostwriter. However, R. Lee Fleming -- the man who was credited for the screenplay -- claims that Shyamalan did indeed write it, but "only in his mind." Dude, if he wants credit for that movie, just let him have it.
"But who actually wrote She's All That?" is the question none of you are asking, and that no one has ever asked, ever. Well, it turns out both men were right -- Fleming's script was the one that was bought by the studio, and Shyamalan was hired to do the rewrite that made it to the screen. Which explains the dramatic twist that Rachael Leigh Cook was really beautiful all along.
#2. Moonwalking Pony NOT the Father of His Suspected Foal, Says Paternity Test
Last February, the Internet was blessed with a hilarious yet confusing commercial featuring a moonwalking pony named Socks.
Because bored and lonely men all over the world are currently under the influence of a plague that forces them to obsess over ponies, the news recently broke out that Socks is apparently not the father of Scamp, mothered by Kimberley across the loch. This was announced after a paternity test was conducted to know for certain. And get this: Not only did Socks' rival Nuggets hook up with Kimberley to produce Scamp, but Nuggets also went creepin' with another mare named Felicity. Felicity's baby was aptly named "Scallywag." So who has the weirder job, the reporter whose beat is to cover all of this, or the person who did the paternity tests on the moonwalking pony?
Also we bet these look hilarious when they're humping.
#1. A Potato Cartel Is Spying on Members With Satellites
When you're eating mashed potatoes or hash browns or tater tots, you probably don't think, "Who are the conniving scoundrels who grew these potatoes? If only I could reduce my dependency on them." A grocer advocacy group called Associated Wholesale Grocers wants to change that, because according to them, the United Potato Growers of America are running their little potato club like a cartel. Specifically, like OPEC.
"First you get the potatoes, then you get the power, then you get a shitload of hash browns."
According to the AWG, the UPG jacked potato bag prices from $8 for a 10-pound bag in 2007 to $15 for a 10-pound bag the next year. And since 80 percent of America's potatoes are coming from states in the United Potato Growers' union, there's not much consumers can do about it if they want to get their potatoes. (And we do!) The best part of Associated Wholesale Grocers' suit is that the UPG keeps members in line by acting like mobsters, intimidating farmers who don't keep production levels at the right range and using fucking potato drone satellites to spy on them. Yeah, the future is going to be weird, guys.