Baseball season got underway recently, so mark your calendars for sometime in late September, when things will finally become worthy of your time and attention. In the meantime, have fun with us as we take a look at the newly redesigned Miami Marlins, whose transformation into the Don Johnson circa 1985 of Major League Baseball is finally complete.
They lost in their bid to lure Albert Pujols to town, but at least they've got animatronic fish and the guy from Creed to show for it.
Here are four reasons why the Miami Marlins are the tackiest franchise in sports.
The Team Colors
The team colors, when gathered loosely together, as they are in the above collection of jerseys, don't look particularly tacky. Every pro team these days has an inexplicably ugly uniform or two that they decide to wear at various points throughout the season. Why should the Marlins be any different?
But for some perspective, have a look at the team colors up close ...
"It's hard to take in that color scheme without being reminded of those classically tacky 'Greetings from Florida' postcards of days past," said a Cracked researcher who's way into design stuff so everyone thinks he's gay, but he's really not. And he's right:
Those are apparently also the colors that Springsteen uses to welcome you to his shitty hometown:
Alright, so maybe this is tacky in an awesome sort of way. It still counts, though. And there's nothing awesome about this next atrocity ...
The Home Run Celebration
What you're seeing in the above video is what happens every time the Marlins hit a home run. If for some reason you can't watch the video, just drink in this screenshot and imagine everything is flashing and moving:
You aren't imagining that the wall immediately behind that marvel of shitty decision-making is lime green. That's very real, and very tacky. The only thing missing from the stadium now is a metallic purple van with that very image airbrushed on the side to bring the relief pitchers into the game.
Fortunately, as a general rule the Marlins don't hit a lot of home runs, so the chances of this thing springing to life when you're close enough to be victimized by it are slim to none.
The Bobblehead Museum
Inside Marlins Park is a museum dedicated solely to bobble-head dolls. Your city has won two World Series titles, possesses a rich Cuban history and has been the setting of some pretty iconic films, and the best museum theme you can think of is bobble heads?
Aren't shrines like this normally built in a place that somehow relates to the history of the item? Like the Spam museum in Austin, Minnesota. That's where Hormel, the company that makes Spam, is headquartered. That makes as much sense as a Spam museum possibly can. But Miami was decades away from even having a MLB team back when baseball and bobble heads got married in the 1960s. Who died and made them the kings of creepy knickknacks?
The Guy from Creed Wrote a Song About Them
The Miami Marlins weren't exactly sending out press releases endorsing it as an officially sanctioned act, but nevertheless, at some point in 2010, Scott Stapp wrote a song for the Miami Marlins.
It's no surprise that the Marlins weren't too keen on claiming the tune as their own. It's pretty clear from the lyrics that these are the words of a man who couldn't give less of a shit about baseball. Instead of being a diehard fan, he seems more like a guy who just bought a big book of baseball terminology and built a few verses around it. Check out the opening line ...
Really? That's all you want to see? Strikeouts, double plays and slow dribbling singles into left field? That's going to be a shitty game, bud. What else do you have in mind?
Notice anything missing in that list? Right, not a single home run in the bunch. We'd say that leads us to believe that Scott Stapp had not caught wind of the masterwork of home run celebration design that the Marlins have since "upgraded" their stadium with, but we know that can't be the case. Where else would Scott Stapp have gotten the idea that a fish can soar?