Product-selling parties (like Mary Kay cosmetics demonstrations and those dildo parties that women always seem to be having in zany romantic comedies) are traditionally harmless reminders of how little your friends actually value your company. However, hosting one of the following parties would be nothing less than a hero's trial, as it would be difficult enough to admit to your friends that you own these products, let alone convince anyone to purchase them for themselves.
#4. Taser/Stun Gun Parties
DivaDefender allows you to host your very own Taser party, gathering together a group of your irrationally paranoid friends to demonstrate the finer points of shocking the bejesus out of any minority bold enough to approach them in the street.
Ethan Miller / Getty
"He said he needed directions to the mall, but I'm pretty sure that was some kind of gang code, so I let him have it!"
There are stun guns shaped like lipstick, pink cellphones that deliver 4.5 million volts of neuromuscular impairment, and 16-inch steel batons with holsters (which are slightly less subtle, but ordering one in pink probably isn't out of the question).
#3. Emergency Food Rotation Parties
Companies like Shelf Reliance give you the opportunity to dazzle your friends with crates of freeze-dried food, "survival whistles," and waterless toilets to prepare for the inevitable apocalypse as predicted by the John Cusack docudrama 2012.
The survival whistle comes with a compass, a mirror, and a copy of Con Air.
Once you've gathered the whole crew together, be sure to make them all jealous of your superior preparation instincts with the "Under the Bed Harvest" canned food stash, a bulletproof cataclysm-response system that is essentially an entire supermarket of astronaut food crammed underneath your bed.
When the real apocalypse hits, this will keep the hordes of ravenous rape-mutants from breaching your front door for a good five minutes.
#2. ManCave Parties
ManCave seeks to enter the nonexistent male home product party market with what can only be described as the most unintentionally gay piece of ad copy ever written. Flanked by photos of burly guys in ManCave T-shirts, the company proudly dubs itself "Mary Kay on steroids" and features a wealth of information about how you can start hosting your own ManCave parties (called MEAT-ings), in which your best guy friends can "buy our manly items," enjoy "unique meats and nuts," and play with "Man Blocks." On paper, this sounds like the Chippendales-iest cock-slapping fest ever organized, but in practice, it's really just a bunch of nerds eating hot dogs and playing Super Jenga.
To be perfectly honest, this is not at all what we pictured.
#1. Fingerprinting Parties
Women who want to get their children involved in the boredom-bred hysteria of suburban living can now throw fingerprinting parties, inviting all of the neighborhood mothers that they haven't already begun spying on to bring over their own screaming brood for fingerprinting and DNA sampling (once they've finished arguing over which child's name is the most unique spelling of Jayden).
The fingerprinting and DNA kits are disguised as fun art projects for the kids to do, while providing the parents with the comforting knowledge that should their child be abducted, they will have sufficient physical evidence on file to identify the body, regardless of how decapitated and/or bloated with drainage ditch water it may be.
My Precious Kid
Peace of mind has a price, but thankfully it's just $4.99.
We understand that's a bit of a worst-case scenario, but there is literally no way collecting your child's fingerprints is going to prevent an abduction, despite what the website specifically claims (alongside what is arguably the most terrible party invitation advice ever given):
"How about the gal in the grocery store? You know they [sic] one in the baby isle [sic]? Yea, the one shopping! Have you told her about the fabulous products you sell? Give her a catalog! Get her name and tell her you would love to call her later and tell her some ways she can prevent her baby from a child abduction!"
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Wave a gun around for best results!"
Yep, just grab that new mother in the diaper aisle and tell her to come to your house if she doesn't want her baby stolen by nightgaunts.