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I am a fan of sex. Even when it's not nuzzling against my lap, I find it heartwarming to know it's still out there in the world. Yet sadly, there are people who insist on handling it recklessly. The lack of care isn't born from cruelty but rather ignorance. I know this because I have watched over three hours of startling and confusing videos on YouTube labeled, "sexy" and wept for what I found. Like a child holding a new tool, the YouTube community understands the inherent power but has no concept of how to wield it. Somehow the years of sex education have failed them. I aim to fix that. Where gym teachers were unsuccessful I will triumph. I will crack the door and shed light onto the dark and humid room of fornication. But the first step toward understanding what sex should be is to identify what it almost certainly is not.

It's Not Licking a Bottle of Hair Gel

The Intent:

This woman demonstrates a firm understanding in the male attraction to visual stimuli. By cramming large items in her mouth she stands a good chance of attracting someone interested in that skill set. She also shows tremendous forethought by dressing up for the occasion. Her sparkling earrings compliment her smoky eye shadow, and the lip gloss shines as if to say, "Hey, right here! You should concentrate here, where I'm stuffing this plastic tube of something!"

Where the Wheels Came Off:

In the same way a slant rhyme can ruin a poem, so too can a bottle of hair gel ruin a sideways pretend blowjob; the ingredients are there, but something feels gravely wrong. How can a woman who shows such focused consideration toward her own appearance not find an object a little more phallic and a little less toxic to fellate? I imagine most viewers are generally worried for her health because any gel in a tube like that has a way of coating the outside of the bottle and it's probably not intended for ingestion.

Furthermore, the atmosphere raises several questions: Why is it shot sideways? Why is the TV on? Is that water running? I'm willing to chalk the sideways angle up to artistic intent but there sound of the distant shower is too unsettling to ignore. Either there's someone else home, which is far from ideal, or that's her shower, in which case I'm a little upset that she's so cavalier about wasting water while she sucks on hair gel for a minute and a half.

It's Not Dry Humping Furniture

The Intent:

When you've invested hours in any hobby, it's only natural to want to share it at some point, and these 5 hobbyists are proud to present to the world how good they've gotten at fucking stuff. They showcase most of their skills on an ottoman but then move on to the more technical wall boning, door slaying, and mirror tapping. The whole video is presumably an advertisement to any women who might be interested in getting pushed around a room underneath some teenagers in dirty socks.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

This project really falls apart the moment the camera turns on. I have to wonder if any of these kids stopped during the dress rehearsal that almost certainly preceded this and questioned whether the ends would justify the means. Even in the video you can watch the enthusiasm disintegrate; at the half way point they give up on the pretense that there might be a woman there and just start wander-thrusting in and out of frame. In fact, if there is anything in this video working in their favor, it's the sheer commitment to such a colossal mistake even after the moment they know it's a bad idea. I can imagine some girls might find endearing.

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It's Not Naked Family Time

The Intent:

The cinematographer understands that sexuality is inherently better when it's lighthearted and fun. By capturing this scene, the videographer is offering the audience a charming access point into the world of sexuality where the heavy hand of secrecy and shame can gain no purchase. So accessible is sexuality in the situation, that apparently kids are welcome too.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

The scene changes from lighthearted to startling in under a second when the camera gets close enough to reveal that the pile of blankets behind her is actually a little boy. A little boy watching his naked mom play video games. Then, in case anyone missed him, another child bolts into frame to share in the awkwardness. I'm certainly in favor of teaching kids the importance of sexuality from an early age but this unsavory malt of naked mom, Rick James and a video camera is not the ideal lesson plan.

It's Not Shaking Your Ass at Children

The Intent:

As far as I can tell, Andressa Soares wants to show the world that a) ass shaking is a commonly neglected gym exercise and b) the right kind of ass shaking can make anything look sexy, including the legs of a running back. In those respects, she is successful. The skin-tight clothes, the perspiration-soaked hair, and the attention to detail she gives to each air-hump are triggers for anyone's biological imperaOH! Oooh wow, a school of children. That's unfortunate.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

Again, I'd have to say this otherwise spectacular moment is ruined by its proximity to children, but Andressa, the consummate professional, remains unfazed and continues unapologetically grind the purity out of the eyes of eight small boys. A closer examination also reveals that the kids are forced to stand behind a rope because, after all, it's a gym and children aren't allowed in gyms for their own safety.

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It's Not Stepping on Desserts

The Intent:

?

Where the Wheels Came Off:

Without the context of the comments and the hundreds of other food-feet fetish videos out there, I wouldn't have known this was supposed to be sexual at all. Assuming that the bon bons are supposed to represent testicles then I would have to say that this stops being sexy right around the time she stabs one with her shoe. Also, keeping with that suspension of disbelief, I'm then curious what the ice-cream is supposed to represent. Is it semen? Or is it just supposed to be ice-cream? I'd argue that ice-cream is worse because it sets unrealistic and, frankly, dangerous expectations for the male anatomy.

It's Not ...This

The Intent:

Steve Rooster knows women. He knows that women like music, women like sex, and, unless they have celiac disease, women like bread. So in an ambitious attempt to overstimulate every woman in the world, Steve Rooster, that weaver of womanly desires, effortlessly combined all three indulgences into pure female masturbation fodder.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

Right around the time the shot opens on a flour-caked loaf of something this video heads in the wrong direction of sexuality, and then stubbornly insists on continuing down the same path for another two minutes and twenty seconds. Steve Rooster sucks on a piece of the bread and wipes it across his neck and chest, earnestly. He strips a little, then runs out of things to take off and makes some halfhearted pulls at his his skin and face. The highlight is when he shows off some of the soggy breadcrumbs on his tongue while simulating cunnilingus. Steve Rooster is so good at cunnilingus, in fact, that he has a two-part series on the intricacies of oral stimulation which should be all the indication you need that he is not joking. The whole thing is so far removed from sexuality that it's just easier to pretend he's taking a highly stylized approach to reminding us all that we don't enjoy our food enough.

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It's Not Chewing

The Intent:

Bananas are the closest penises will ever get to growing on trees. The fruit is so phallic that Youtube is littered with videos of women eating bananas and each has well over one hundred thousand views. The lesson seems to be that the easiest way to get moderately famous with no discernible talent is to eat a banana while a camera rolls.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

As suggestive as a banana can be, it can't do all the work. I suspect that this woman may be missing the point of why eating a banana is sexy. She pulls it into bite-size pieces and then chews each a full 25 times while lazily staring into the camera and daring us all to fall asleep.

At the end, it offers everyone an opportunity to download an extended version where I can only assume we also get to see her cut the rest of the banana into wheels and seductively feed them to an infant.

It's Not Dick Slanging

The Intent:

Unlike women, who have the opportunity to display their breasts in form fitting clothing and low-cut tops, men with particularly remarkable genitals are limited by law in methods of exhibition. But when a man is given such a gift, he wants the world to know how special it is and the only social acceptable methods available to him are porn and chatroulette. That is, until now. The Dick Slang crew has cleverly created a third option: slapping it around under basketball shorts in a tiny room with friends.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

The "with friends" part of this showcase is really doing the most detriment to their cause. The five guys are packed so tightly into that room that all their units are in constant danger of crashing into tables, laptops and even each other. Watching this video is, at best, nerve racking. The excitement of showing off their packages has made them all lose sight of the ultimate goal: sex. In my experience, women are generally nervous about men who carelessly throw their genitals around a room, especially men who are so absorbed in the way it bounces around that they forget she's there.

Each of these men thoughtlessly slangs his dick hither and fro without any respect for its fragile nature, like a manifestation of sexuality itself. This negligence is exactly what I hope to fix. I want the world to know that sex isn't meant to be tossed around or chewed or stabbed with a shoe, it belongs in a bed or properly displayed up on a shelf. Or, if you have one, rocking gently in a sex swing wearing a full-body latex suit.

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